Thursday, April 23, 2009

Piling into the decrepit crush

I HAVE kept you informed before about my travails in supermarkets, Tesco being the worst culprits when it comes to upsetting the equilibrium. Now those posh buggers at Waitrose have come up with yet another way to enrage the passing shopper.

When you now pay your bill (and after the headmistress behind the till has frowned at you for asking for plastic bags as if you were about to drown a polar bear in the car park), they give you a little green tiddleywink. And, on the way out, you have a choice of three boxes, all representing a charity, in which to deposit your token. I presume, although I haven’t checked, that Waitrose then gives some part of its massive profits to the charity with the most tokens.

The problem with this is that it gives old people yet another reason to get in the way of the modern, younger, time-pressed shopper. Not content with forgetting that they have to pay until all their shopping has gone through the checkout and has been laboriously packed, and then taking an age to find their purse, and paying the correct amount in cash down to the painstakingly counted-our coppers, and pausing to discuss the weather and that hairy woman on Britain’s Got Talent with the Nazi on the till, they now pitch up at the box in the exit where they have to vote with their tiddleywink.

And they stop, and they fumble for their glasses, and they read the short description of each charity carefully, then they have to go for a wee, then they’ve forgotten what they read, so have to read it all again. And they still can’t make up their minds about who to vote for. And suddenly there’s dozens of them milling about in your path.

And meanwhile normal people pile their brimming trolleys into this decrepit crush like pissed-up Scousers at Hillsborough. (Have you noticed that when the media asks Liverpool fans where they were on the fateful day, not one of them admits to being “at the back of the Leppings Lane End, pushing”?)

It’s carnage: another stupid complication in what should be a stress-free experience. The only consolation for me is that out of the three charities nominated (some homeless handout nonsense, a cat charity, and the Army Benevolent Fund), our brave boys were winning by a mile … even if I did have to tread on some 90-year-old corns to cast my vote.


Anonymous mr cliff said...

When a bloke is waiting at the checkout he goes through his pockets for the money, or plasticy thing ready for his turn.
Why is it that women just stand there dreaming about shoes or chocolate. Then when it's their turn they spend ages packaging their goods (made longer by now having to grovel for bags). they then look surprised when they are asked to pay, they then look for the handbag, look in the handbag for the purse, then look for the correct card out of dozens, then they suddenly realize they have a store loyalty card which they should have declared earlier?
Considering how much shopping they do, you'd have expected them to have cracked it by now.

3:55 PM  
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7:35 PM  
Anonymous Tony B.Liar said...

What an excellent intellectual point Mr 'OPOP' makes! Makes one proud to be British - or should I say 'English' [as opposed to the freeloaders in the Taliban tribal areas to the North and West of our bankrupt country].
IMF here we come,just like the 70s all over again - except that it's MUCH worse this time. The Jocks are still out with their begging bowls again, though [SNP leader yesterday], despite being the CAUSE of it all!!
As Bazza always says: "It's enough to make a cat laugh"

1:31 AM  
Anonymous Gregory Pectorals said...

My nearest supermarkets are 2 miles and 10 miles away. They are both Tescos ("Greed is Good") so I really have little choice but to shop at them.
This vile company has festooned their carparks with huge plastic flags showing scissors cutting a big £ sign in half. Underneath is the claim "Helping you spend less every day". Joseph Goebbels would have been proud of that bit of lying propaganda.
Every time I go to one I feel as if I've entered an alternative reality where extreme cuntishness is the norm.

2:02 AM  
Blogger Custard said...

All supermarkets should have a "happy hour", where ONLY people under the age of 55 are allowed to shop. That would certainly take the pain out of it for most.

3:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr Opop

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12:34 PM  
Anonymous CornerShopMan said...

Why is there such a panic to clear at the checkout? Where is the fucking fire?

Why is there always some hardfaced bint behind me stretching across me to get a carrier bag before I've even got me wallet out?

Show some respect to old people, half blind, half disbelieving the cost, as they fumble with their coins. One day, by the grace of God, that will be you.

1:47 PM  
Anonymous Won Hung Lo said...

"Japanese porn..

..but nice pictures all the same!!"

Indeed, I feel an election coming on.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Jim Bowen said...

When will the till monkeys have the nous not to ask "do you have a clubcard?" to a 6'2 freak with a woodmans beard? I mean hey, do I give a fu*ck about saving enough points for my next holiday at Grimsby?

4:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dont worry pig flu is sweeping around the world, it will sort the pensioners first

10:23 AM  
Anonymous A Feverish Swine said...

Wrong! Swine 'flu is most infectious to young adults.

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Liverpool Tickets said...

Scouse jokes are always the best

2:56 PM  

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