Saturday, October 28, 2006

Like Dennis the Menace hiding in a post box


WHEN I were but a lad, there were things we called crofts at the back of our rows of terraced houses – basically just an area of waste land, inhabited by stained mattresses and scabby dogs.

The crofts were where we built our bonfires, raiding wood from the houses slated for demolition … and from other gang’s bonfires. (And people’s garden gates. Sorry, Mrs Thingy at number 124 Shrewsbury Street.)

This blatant piracy meant that as the great day drew near – and it was a really big deal back then – a shift system would be brought in whereby the bigger lads would take it in turns to sleep in the bonfire to guard against marauders. Sure, kids occasionally died if someone was careless with matches, but that went with the territory. And at least we left them the means to defend themselves and alert the rest of us – a sturdy leather glove, a Roman Candle and a box of matches. The Taliban look like pussies by comparison.

Little did I think that 40 years later, people would be sleeping by their bonfires again – only this time on the orders of the Health and Safety Nazis. It has come to my attention that bonfire organisers across the country have been told that as a condition of their entertainment licence (and what a puritanical Roundheaded laugh that procedure is), they must remain by their bonfire until it is completely extinguished. Apparently small children and passing animals might otherwise accidentally wander into the embers and be incinerated. (Cases to date? None.)

So we now have the prospect of the nice men from the Round Table having to camp out alongside the embers for as long as it takes for them to go out. This could take several days. Now I’m no fan of accountants, but even they have to go to work sometimes. If only to annoy the rest of us.

Still, as long as there are 45-year-old, grey-suited, social-climbing, would-be Freemasons prepared to put up with such nonsense, it avoids the situation that has arisen in Ilfracombe in Devon, where the local rugby club has given up completely and has settled for a “virtual bonfire” to accompany their charity fireworks.

The “virtual bonfire” is a video of a previously-filmed bonfire projected onto a 22ft wide by 15ft high screen hanging between the goalposts. Loudspeakers have been arranged to relay the sound of crackling and fizzing. There will also be gas heaters arranged to give those nearest the screen a rosy glow.

Is this what it has come to? How long will it be before your local fire pushes drawings of fireworks through your letterbox so you can show your kids what used to happen? And what would those kids on the croft have made of it all?

SO THERE you are, Mr Small Businessman, and you’ve got a vacancy for a salesperson or a receptionist or a rep. Something “customer-facing”, as the trendies would say. And when it comes to interviews, this nice Muslim woman turns up.

She seems perfectly normal (if that’s the right term of reference). Smart, personable, well-presented - a bit like that Sariah woman out of The Apprentice, only with less gob. And she’s the stand-out candidate, so do you give her the job? Do you buggery.

Because experience tells you that one day she might just turn up to work in a burqua, or a niqab, or a bin liner, peering out of the veil like Dennis The Menace trapped in a post box. And, frankly, the hassle that will cause is just not worth the risk. So you’ll employ the lumpen, pasty-faced, uneducated prole from the council estate instead. It’s safer, if not better.

Aisa Azmi, the Muslim woman who’s put this topic back at the top of the agenda, argues that her demand to wear the veil is a fight on behalf of women everywhere. Nonsense. It’s actually the opposite – a warning to employers to watch out for any signs of loony fundamentalism.

And that, I think, is my main objection to Ms Azmi’s employment: not the fact that she managed to undergo a job interview in front of a panel that included a man without needing to cloak up; not the fact that she had the stupidest job title in existence ( Ethnic Minority Achievement Curriculum Support Assistant); not the fact that the wearing of the burqua is a near criminal undermining of sexual equality; nor even the fact that she spent six months of her short employment on the sick – simply the fact that anyone with such extreme and unyielding views shouldn’t be let within a million miles of our children.

Incidentally, have you wondered why NuLabour are so keen to take on the thorny subject of multiculturalism, or the lack of it, so suddenly? Think about it. Their despicable lies about Iraq and Afghanistan have lost them the important Muslim vote for good. So let’s write that off, do a full U-turn, and go after the borderline racists on the fringes of every political party. You can’t fault them for lateral thinking.

NICE TO
see Madonna doing her best to be a typical English woman. She’s a single mother who lives on an estate and has three children of different colours by three different fathers (one of them a bonus ball brahn baby). Oh, and her husband appears to be unemployed. Top marks all round.

O The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this website, of anyone who hasn't already had the argument about where they're going to spend Christmas, of anyone can't face mowing the lawn again (for the last time this summer, honest), or of anyone who isn't suspicious of that disabled woman on the X Factor. We've all seen Little Britain, right?

15 Comments:

Blogger The Weardale Militia said...

Er umm lad, Aye its me again, I were trapped on the moors on the moors for a few days. I have tried to conform with the new green philosophy and abandon the Landrover and trailer and try out a green alternative one of those “Smart” cars. Well then it could not handle the terrain and it’s abandoned by the Witches Peak, the garage I borrowed it from for the test drive are not too happy. I told them to refer it to the incumbent of No 10 Downing Street (not for much longer). There are a few sheep inside – two to be exact – due to the limited interior space.
With regard to your column why don’t we ask Mr Howard from Australia to come over here and sort out all the problems he seems like a no nonsense sort of bloke? In fact why don’t we become a colony of Australia as a part of “truth and reconciliation” for all the great wrongs we must have done in the past.
I went for a job interview many years ago, the position was for that of Emergency Crisis Centre Co-Ordinator. When the subject of religion was broached and I mentioned that I was in fact a Druid I felt the job opportunity slipping through my fingers. The blue woad and hemp clothing are only worn on special occasions – any day ending in a “Y”and during the full moon and of course on Tony Blairs birthday (6th May 1953). I can in fact sympathise with employers; and in my own particular case it may not have been appropriate for the Emergency Crisis Centre Co-Ordinator to be seen wearing traditional Druid garb during an emergency whilst communicating with an Oak Tree.
But back to the matter in hand – I will have to keep using my Land Rover despite the many obstacles being put in my way. I am worried about parking fees if it is outside the house but then I am 2 miles from any road of note. I am similarly worried about council inspectors coming round to check if I have a patio, off road parking (do field count), double glazing and a conservatory. I don’t notice any money being paid back for not having mains water, mains gas or connection to sewage.
Well must go I am building a bonfire around the “Smart” car and claiming it was stolen and set fire to by a Kazakhstan extremist group who object to the word “Smart”

10:41 PM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

Excellent stuff, Bazza.

Needless to say, there's an entire industry built around this health and safety lark, and finding threats where there are none. Not just the PC morons, social workers and council bosses and third rate feminist killjoys, but also the solicitors, training companies, and others who thrive on crap like "risk assesments" and henceforth to finger pointing when and if things go wrong.

I vote that we take the warning stickers off everything. The stupid go to the wall, the sensible survive, the problem's solved itself.

Quite right about NuLabour realising that the Muslims are pissed off at them- note the amount of coverage and programmes on the BBC (Nulabour's lackeys) about Muslims these days, very little of it enlightening and sensible.

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is there much that is "enlightening and sensible" regarding Muslims in this country?
If there is could you tell us about it?

11:41 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Our local council have decreed that it would be against Health & Safety issues to have our statue/mini-fountain re-installed after the town's "redevelopment" (the self-same fountain which up until a few years ago was running water and had been for near enough a hundred years).

We're having a nice modern sculpture instead.

Did they consult us? Well, we could pop along to the offices to view the plans, but only on a Tuesday between the hours of 1-2pm.

3:57 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

Is there much that is "enlightening and sensible" regarding Muslims in this country?
If there is could you tell us about it?
-Anon

Of course there bloody well is. Your question hardly deserves an answer, does it? The fact that you ask the question means any reply is a waste of time. However. Lets assume that you are one of the army of neo-racists who believe that most Muslims are planning to inflict Sharia law on us all, and beheading all who enjoy the odd hot dog. It'd be sensible and enlightening for us to hear about that, don't you think?

As opposed to what the media are doing, which is continually banging on about Muslims as a smoke screen for the government's cock ups in Iraq, Afghanistan and yes- as is plain to see- here in the UK.

Sensible and enlightening might merely be accurate and non- hysterical reporting. Whether the subject matter be positive or negative. If some stupid woman wants to wear a veil as some crazy notion of striking a blow for "wimmin", then let her. And then let her wonder why she can't get a job. When I was a lad, I had to face the fact that in order to get a job, I had to get a damned haircut. No haircut, no job. Easy, isn't it? No need to have saturation coverage on the 5 channels.

MOST Muslims, like most UK Natives, are too busy worrying about their kids, paying the bills, crime, etc etc etc to worry too much about extremism etc. Just as most Irish were neither IRA nor "Loyalist", just as most Iraqis aren't Al Queda members, most British Muslims aren't guilty of most of what the media are saying about them.

The truth, as anyone with any experience of life would know, lies somewhere inbetween the wishy washy "multiculturalism is wonderful" daydreamers' fantasies and the "Little Englander" "we have to blame someone for this country's rapid decline" types' nightmares.

10:56 AM  
Blogger Airborne Warrior said...

Well said Black Dog. Personally I am more concerned about the low-life, dole claiming, happy slapping, pot smoking, baby making, hoodie wearing, council tax dodging, cider drinking scrotes that frequent most street corners in this country than I am about Islamic Fundamentalists. Having spent a bit of time in Iraq I am of the same opinion as BD. The majority of the people just want to get on with their lives as best they can and it's the minority (and foreign nationals) that are getting a bit grumpy.

3:01 AM  
Anonymous Saddam Hussein said...

What Iraq needs is a strong leader who's not afraid to crack a few heads - none of this democracy mallarkey which seems to have brought more death and destruction than any local chap could muster.

5:23 AM  
Blogger kris said...

"....Ethnic Minority Achievement Curriculum Support Assistant); not the fact that the wearing of the burqua is a near criminal undermining of sexual equality; nor even the fact that she spent six months of her short employment on the sick" –

It's a joke, and we're the punch line. Thank you for raising this and calling a spade a spade. Where are all the feminists?! They must be so torn between political correctness, multiculturalism and basic human dignity. You'd think after all their struggles it'd be a no brainer in favour of human dignity. Igits.

7:17 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Well said Kris!!

All those barmy feminists must really be spinning now.........

7:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sensible and enlightening would be sending them all back home!

11:55 PM  
Anonymous John Red-Bull said...

In Turkey - a muslim country - if a girl dared to enter a university wearing a veil (even though it is illegal to wear a veil in such a place) the other girls will rip it off her head.

4:27 AM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Real Radio (Scotland) were running a "Bring a £1 to wordk day" to raise funds for NCH Scotland it is one of the leading children's charities in Scotland. They support over 6475 of the most vulnerable children, young people and their families at 64 projects across Scotland so that they have the opportunity to reach their full potential.
Now I'm all for charity especially for children, but when people try to rip you off you get a bit pissed off.
Real Radio are asking you to text in "pound" to a number, it will cost £1.50 and a £1 will go to the charity - so where the fuck does the other 50p go?
Those greedy bastard phone companies get it!
The parasitic shits even benefit out of a charity - cunts!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:15 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

Sensible and enlightening would be sending them all back home

Home? Back here you mean? Most of them were BORN here. If that's the same Anon I was referring to, then plainly any reply WAS a waste of time.

Quite right, Jimmy, it's a damned disgrace, playing on people's charitable generosity whilst the bastards line their own pockets.

8:52 AM  
Blogger Rich Rostrom said...

"She’s a single mother... and her husband appears to be unemployed."

Does anyone else see a problem here?

I'm no fan of Madonna in any respect, but she is married, which is better than most showbiz bimbos these days.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are spot on Sir.

See page 19 top of page...
www.sd-commission.org.uk/publications/downloads/I_Will_If_You_Will.pdf

The Eccentric Mare (without a blogger account.)

4:13 AM  

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