Friday, September 01, 2006

Good morning, Mr Respectable. Now please bend over

WE FLY at dawn. Yes, Italy, seeing as you’ve asked. Villa with a pool, on the coast south of Genoa.

Being a middle-aged, middle-class white man who couldn’t possibly be a terrorist threat, I’m anticipating the full monty at airport security so I’ll be wearing new underpants and hole-free socks. I’m also told that every thing of any value will be taken from me at the checkpoint, including make-up and my cigarette lighter, but that I can replenish all supplies from approved duty free shops. Hmm … how convenient.

Now obviously I don’t want to hurtle to earth in a ball of flames, but are we not overdoing the possible weapon thing? I ask because I went to a football match on Saturday and had my newspaper confiscated on the way in. The reason? It was apparently a potential weapon.

Now I don’t know about you, but if half a dozen hard core hooligans are coming at me across the terraces, I’d want something a bit more substantial than a damp copy of the Daily Star to defend myself with. But still, I can remember the Sixties when for a while you had to remove your boots before they’d let you into a football ground. That was really fun, particularly given the primitive toilet arrangements that encouraged a rather liberal attitude to public urination.

week of Tom and Jerry frying pans and falling anvils inspired me to wonder about other cartoon clichés. I mean, when did you last see a dog running out of a butcher’s shop dragging a string of sausages? In fact, when did you last see a string of sausages, now that we’re all buying pre-packed supermarket crap?

Do desert islands really just have one palm tree and a bloke with a beard living on them? And are scantily-clad blondes washed up there on a regular basis? Do cats still get stuck up trees? (The answer is yes, and the fire brigade is banned by the Health and Safety Nazis from rescuing them. Oh, and they can’t slide down poles anymore in case they hurt themselves either.)

Have you ever seen anyone slip on a banana skin? Do women in rollers really lurk behind front doors clutching a rolling pin? Even in Hartlepool? Has anyone ever put a freshly-baked pie on a window sill to cool? And then had it stolen by a cat wearing a trilby? Or an unshaven man dressed up as John Prescott?

You know when you’re really, really hungry? Have you ever eaten a huge sandwich and then watched in the mirror as a sandwich-shaped lump slowly descended down your neck? And if you did swallow a lighted stick of dynamite, wouldn’t it go out when it arrived at your stomach?

Now I have to confess that I have actually stood on a rake, but there weren’t any swallows flying in circles around my head after I did it. Just a trip to casualty for seven stitches. And despite all the head injuries I’ve received down the years, I’ve never had a three-foot long perfectly formed bump spring from my forehead. I’ve also hit my thumb with a hammer, but of the red, throbbing, 20 x actual size bruise there was no sign. I’ve also run into a wall, without leaving a body-shaped hole.

I’ve never painted a black circle in the middle of the road, and if I did I certainly wouldn’t expect any passing cars to fall into it. And if I accidentally ran over the edge of the Grand Canyon, I would hold out no great hopes that simply keeping running in thin air would get me safely to the other side.

And tell me, why isn’t the ACME corporation as big as Walmart?

You know, there’s a film script in this somewhere. Anyone got Bob Hoskins’ phone number?

I TRUST you’ve all seen the tragic news about the clown who was crushed to death during a circus performance in County Clare, Ireland, the other night? He was killed when a cage, held aloft in the Big Top by a hot air balloon, fell on him from a great height.

Now that’s very sad. But I do wonder if it was simply karma catching up with him. Let’s face it - I bet he's spent years driving round in a patently unfit motor vehicle with the doors and wheels falling off and the engine exploding. Sooner or later, irresponsible behaviour like that is going to catch up with you.

And a final thought. How did they fit his shoes in the coffin?

NOT A week passes without another dose of confusing health advice. One day a cup of tea too many will kill you; the next you’re being encouraged to chew tea-bags to ward off cancer.

Now it’s the turn of cider. Yes, folks, a glass of cider a day apparently keeps the Grim Reaper away, although this research from Glasgow University hits an immediate stumbling block. I mean, how many 80-year-old Scottish tramps have you ever seen? They’ve usually popped their clogs (or their shoes stuffed with newspaper) long before their fifties.

And what if it turns out to be true? That will mean that all those feral children you see hanging around outside the off licence drinking White Lighting from two-litre plastic bottles will be a burden on the State for another 70 years. Pass the scrumpy, quick.

O The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this website, of anyone who isn't trying to find the address of Cillit Bang's Barry Scott so they can hunt him down and kill him, of anyone who doesn't wish that if Ruth Archer and Sam the cow man are going to have an affair they'd just bloody well get on with it, or of anyone who is vaguely impressed with the ungrammatical claim of Smarties' advertising that "they're ain't not no artifical colourings in Smarties". Maybe not now, but what was in those blue ones, you bastards?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm surprised Barry, never heard of the 'Millwall Brick'? Comes in handy for those rainy mid-week trips to the city of self-pity, mind you it's a bastard to get the print of your hands!

12:28 PM  
Anonymous Mark said...

Since youre such a fan Barry, can I recommend

Top stuff!

3:39 PM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:48 PM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Yet another dig at the Scots Bazza you evil English bastard - I'll have you know that we have drunken wastrels (or jakies as they are known locally)that reach the ripe old age of 80 without a problem, something to do with being well preserved due to the intake of Buckfast and Brasso. The fact that they don't have a care in the world leads to very low stress levels.

11:51 PM  
Blogger pykesmullet said...

It`s been interesting reading the fore play between you chaps,yet in with all the bollocks, there is some good stuff. If people like Bazza and yourselves are going to achieve anything from this well informed and politicaly balanced site, then we should go for the nanny nazis and not each other. Even if you are a welsh,dead sea pedestrian,papist scots,father lesbian,single parent,spastic.
I`ll be back. Just off to do a nice roast pork supper for my 9 year old son and his 3 kids. What a world.....Enjoy Italy Bazza. Where`s my holiday pressy??

8:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you ever seen a cat skeleton up in a tree ?

4:59 PM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Well according to this they do find cat skeletons up trees - not many but a few.
A representative from the Cumbria fire service completed a risk assessment, but said that a rescue attempt would place officers at risk. Tony Stoddart, Cumbria Fire and Rescue Service's area manager for Carlisle and Eden, said: "Firefighters from the UK have been paralysed trying to rescue cats.

"We don't find many skeletons of cats up trees, so the risks far outweighed the benefits in this case."

12:05 AM  
Blogger kris said...

I was more of a bugs bunny, foghorn-leghorn, sylvester and tweetie fan than tom & jerry. I suppose this is reflected in my sweet disposition!

All the Mel Blanc characters are about the most UN-pc that you can get; and therein lies the rub.

9:03 AM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Cartoon:The Smurfs
Lesson: Communism works!
For naysayers who point to the former Soviet Union as proof that communism is inherently flawed, may I merely direct your attention to Smurf Village, where everyone shares everything, wears similar utilitarian clothing, battles Gargamel and his turn-Smurfs-to-gold get rich quick schemes and obeys the dictates of a bearded, red hat-wearing, benevolent authority figure.
Quoth Comrade Papa: “From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.” Really, he actually said that.
How it affected us as adults:
Secret communist agendas ceased being dangerous, or really any adjective of consequence, years ago. The worst thing communism does these days is make students waste a couple of years wearing ugly clothes and attending boring meetings (nothing new in that).
However, the sexual politics of Smurf Village, with its one female for every 30 guys, did go a long way towards preparing us for university.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous Tavarich Tommy said...

The good ol' days of Communism!

They pretended to pay us, so we pretended to work.

It were grimski in them days, let me tell you.

11:14 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Smurfette must've been very accomodating...

Bazza, on holiday in Italy? But that's in Europe, matey. They're the enemy of us free-thinking Brits. ;-)

1:52 AM  
Blogger Bald_Bloke said...

How do they know there aren't many cat skeletons stuck in trees?

Do they go back and check after giving the cat enough time to starve?

5:06 AM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

I daresay Tony Stoddart must have done some kind of research on the subject.

10:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

14th post...13 posts gives me the willies

2:19 AM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Ah ha Bald Bloke here is proof of the cat's skeletons.

10:59 PM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Well Tony Stoddart has a sense of humour - I sent him the pic and his reply was "Thanks for the photo I must confess that this is the first time in 30 years that I have seen such a sight & so many!!
The tragedy is that many of the cats were within reach & could have been rescued or even jumped from the tree.
It is obviously a Cat astrophe!!"

I love when people have some nonsense about them.

8:15 AM  
Blogger pykesmullet said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:21 AM  
Blogger pykesmullet said...

anyone else having a problem with sign in ?
what is all this bollocks about firman not rescueing cats from trees? There is no risk if they use catapults like we did as kids. I can`t remember one ocation when a cat stayed still when 20 kids are bombing a tree with small rocks or gravy. I know that the h/s nazis would`nt allow catapults, in case used against a burgler or something.
Anyroadupwards I can`t imagine a firman or any one else brave enough to face next doors cat, Cheeks. The size of a wolf hound and would rip the arm off a postman given the chance. It`s my duty to feed the bugger every Tuesday, do you know how hard it is to find live dear on a housing estate.

4:41 AM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Were you pissed when you posted that Pykesmullet?

5:33 AM  
Blogger pykesmullet said...

was and maybe still am,Jimmy Mc. and will be later for sure. It`s the final relief left to us mollycoddled wool wrapped Brits. Having read earlier postings I use the word Brits intentionaly, as I believe we are all just people. Unless sober...then things look a little bleaker.
Thanks for response. Hard to blog at work, the bloody phone keeps going.

6:10 AM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Here's the sort of thing you should be getting your teeth into Bazza.

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat
A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.

Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

7:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aye they make better wives. No bother with divorce either - just stoke up the barbie!

10:10 PM  
Blogger pykesmullet said...

what was the goat called ?
Please recomend to Mr.Tombe, apt name. Film, Revenge of billy the kid. by powerhouse pictures. It may make the turd burgler think twice. However, where do you find such interesting and in depth news stories. That is just brilliant.
Any way, fantastic day and true to form the bbq`s on and the mullet gathers.
Lets burn some dead animals...
See you......P

10:30 AM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Strangely enough that's what the BBC thought so they put it on their news website - how odd!

12:33 AM  
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11:10 AM  

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