Saturday, July 29, 2006

The dogs bark, but the caravan has moved on


IT’S THE first day of the school holidays and a pall of black smoke hangs over the fields as the amateur arsonists get to work on the newly-built haystacks.

Inside the house, I am shouting at the wireless. You see, I listen to The Archers Omnibus on a Sunday morning. It’s a simple pleasure, and one which keeps me away from the Chardonnay bottle until at least 11.15am.

But some idiot at Radio 4 (and there must be plenty to go at) has decided that what this mainstay of British broadcasting really needs is some of those television-type trailers which reveal upcoming storylines. Hence, six full days before I’ll actually listen to it, I already know that the runaway Ed Archer, whose disappearance has sustained the plot for many weeks, has turned up in Borchester General Hospital.

This simply isn’t good enough. At the time of writing, I still don’t know who’s won the Ambridge Vegetable Olympics, and I won’t until about 10.15 on Sunday morning. Now that keen anticipation has been ruined, leapfrogged even, by the actions of a thoughtless minion at Broadcasting House. I would write to my MP if he hadn’t just started his 78-day holiday.

SPEAKING OF which, if you’re driving towards the Channel ports next week and you find yourself held up by a 23ft Bailey Pageant Champagne caravan driven by an 80-year-old man wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt and a Russian fur hat, be warned.

Do what you usually do and overtake on a blind bend while hurling abuse and empty Red Bull cans at the vehicle and you could find yourself looking down the barrel of a Heckler and Koch MP5 machine gun. Because Margaret Beckett is going on holiday and she’s taking the Special Branch with her.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a dafter story. While the world burns, the Foreign Secretary and her resolutely Old Labour husband Leo are refusing to forego their traditional holiday and are heading off on a caravan tour of France. Given the current political tensions, I think we have to agree that Mrs Beckett may well be a terrorist target. We also then have to agree that she requires some degree of protection.

This means the ludicrous situation whereby at least four armed spooks will have to go with her, presumably tagging along in a caravan of their own. With gun turrets on the roof and those special wheels with spikes on that James Bond had on his car.

And that’s just what you need when you’re staggering bleary-eyed across a damp field alongside the N10 on the way to your morning ablutions – a man in a black balaclava laying trip wires across the entrance to the toilet block.

TWO VALLEYS away from my palatial estate is a windfarm. Well, not so much a windfarm as a single wind turbine. It is often turned off because the wind is too strong (no, really), and when it is operating it emits a high-pitched whine, much like the weird-bearded, sacking-clad lentil-eaters who campaigned for its erection.

As with many things environmental, it’s a complete charade. Stuck on a hillside towering over a pretty little village, it doesn’t actually produce enough electricity to power the light in my fridge, but it serves to assuage the middle class Lefty consciences of the kind of people who can afford to live there. It’s gesture politics of the worst possible kind.

Which brings me to Richard Chartres, the Bishop of London, who waited until the start of the school holidays to blithely announce that “flying abroad for a foreign holiday is a sin against the planet”.

The Bish refers, of course, to the damage caused to the environment by the massive increase in cheap flights. Now I’m not an expert in ecumenical events, but isn’t this the same bloke who accepted a freebie cruise around the Med last Easter? When, presumably, he flew there and back?

So where does blatant hypocrisy come on the tariff of mortal sins then?

NOW THIS may seem a little harsh, but why is every pilot who crashes their plane – often fatally - automatically accorded hero status?

“He steered it away from the primary school”, goes the mantra. “Without his bravery, hundreds could have died.”

Well, to a point. Have you ever been up in a light aircraft? Or a balloon? Look down and you will see green fields – hundreds and hundreds of square miles of them. In fact, spotting a primary school amid this green and pleasant landscape and then successfully crashing a plane into it would be a feat of flying prowess worthy of a space shuttle pilot.

Still, I suppose it gives them something to talk about at the funeral.

I’M NOT sure that Vauxhall have got their advertising strategy right when it comes their latest ubiquitous television commercial.

What are they saying? Buy a Zafira and your kids will grow up fat and Northern? Unless you want your child to carve out a career touring working men’s clubs telling jokes, is that really a good selling point? Oh, and suicide bombers will move in next door and scatter broken china on your lawn ...

O The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this website, of anyone moaning that their runner beans haven't set, of anyone bothering to water the lawn with bath water when Mr Blah's gardener has been caught red-handed with a hosepipe, or of anyone who rushed out and bought an air conditioning unit in the mistaken belief that this is the Ballearics, not Britain.

26 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

No comments yet! - Has everyone gone on holiday in their caravan?

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not all in their caravans....I see Tony Blah has gone to the caribbean, for a stay at his pal's place, a certain Mr Cliff Richard. Surely it's just a coincidence that Tony is now calling for an extension to the copyright laws that Sir Cliff has long been campaigning for...

3:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bought an air conditioner and what a boon it has been. Lovely cool nights for a mere pittance.

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes! And we've been swimming in the sea nearby........who would have believed it in Britain?

4:55 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

So, let's get this straight Barry: if an Asian family move next door to you, then you'll automatically assume they are "suicide bombers" and that their brand new Zafira is really a cleverly disguised bomb...

7:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seems a fair assumption. Better safe than sorry.

7:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chris [Teague],

You're almost as big a twat as your namesake Kris.

BTW. check out Kris' latest video on his blog - it's an absolute masterpiece!!!

1:22 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Don't you just love anonymity... a link would be nice.

Yes, I am twat - but I'm not an anonymous twat.

3:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps you should be. It's quicker to post being anonymous. You no more identify yourself than someone posting anonymously.

4:14 AM  
Blogger BarryBeelzebub said...

Yes, obviously all Asians are suicide bombers.

All darkies are drug-crazed muggers as well.

7:45 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Best tell a mate of mine to get a divorce then, just in case...

8:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chris,

You're an even bigger one than I first thought..

8:46 AM  
Blogger kris said...

Gentlemen, Glad to see the gang have finally returned from their summer hols and this blog is, at last,returning to its usual state! I've missed you. Once our pals Black Dog, Mr Mc Tourrette and Mr Bliar return from their caravans, all will be right with the world again.

Now I am becoming confused by all of the Chris'. BTW, I think the pair of you are twats- but thanks nevertheless to Chris T for the backhanded compliment re my ode to stoke newington.

Did you hear Arnie, star of True Lies tell Tony B that he could get him a part on Terminator 4. Priceless. I'm glad to see he too feels the urgency, along with Caravan Margaret, in bringing peace to the middle east!

11:06 AM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One's an Englishman, one a Scotsman and the other a Jamaican. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor. All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying: "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other." The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. However, we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them. With that the Scotsman raced past the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!" The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir, of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of Jamaican descent". "True", said the Scotsman, "but one of the other two is English and I'm not taking the fucking risk."

12:31 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:14 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Kris - "ode", "stoke newington"? It doesn't take a lot, I know, but you've confused me.

Jimmy - good one: I probably wouldn't take the risk either... better dead than English. ;-)

Anyone see that chavy twat on the BBC documentary last night, about English footie "fans" who called a camera man a disgrace to his English roots? Yeah, right... the only disgrace is the one wearing a burberry cap and carrying a pint of lager.

Fucking chavs.

It's not immigrants that drain this country, but rather the burberry-wearing cunts who have no work ethic, impregnate around three "ladies" a year who then demand a new house because their old three-bed is too small.

Next time we do extradite the next extremist, may I suggest we round up the work-shy weak-lager drinking twats on the estate near to me and send them to Zimbabwe and further afield, thus saving those brand new houses for those who are hard-working and pay their taxes, whether they be white or immigrant.

I'd rather live next door to an immigrant who pays into this country, then a prick with bling.

1:26 AM  
Anonymous I luv haggis said...

jimmy mctourette 12.31

See you Jimmy. Nice one. As my old Granny from Edinburgh used to say, "There's only one thing in the world worse than a drunken Scotsman and that's a sober one!"

10:06 PM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched,pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door..........

10:48 PM  
Anonymous i luv haggis said...

See you Jimmy. HaHaHa excellent!

Why have Jocks got long thin dicks?

'Cos they're tight fisted wankers!

11:40 PM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

In reference to Chris's comments about the scum underclass, I agree absolutely.

I was talking to a bloke where I used to live who'd just had 2 windows shot in with an air rifle. Now, we both knew that the kid who had done it was yer local white chav. There were very few people there of a different ethnic sort, but this bloke went from ranting about the chav with the air rifle, and onto how it was somehow the "pakis" fault. Unbelievable, but that's pretty much what's happening on a national scale. A friend of mine used to live in North Wales- a right dump, this particular town (technically a city), and the only person in the street besides her was an Indian bloke across the road. Yep, you guessed it, he was no trouble, always polite and very well behaved.

The local chav scum, by contrast, spent all day sleeping and all night getting pissed/stoned and making a tremendous racket. Yet, the amount of hate they had for anyone better than them! Like the Indian fellow across the road.

What's the point of demanding that immigrant criminals get kicked out, when we've got an overwhelming deluge of home grown, indigenous scum? Policicians and other crooks act as if we'd return to a decent society if we just kicked out Johnny Foreigner.

Also, I agree with Kris- in a real democracy, real politics are local. We don't live in a true democracy because the main parties have sold us this "one size fits all" version, where even journalists and commentators state that if you voted, for example, NuLabour, then you should shut up, accept their policies, and vote them out next time if you're so displeased.

National politics are secondary to local. We may all be pissed off with national issues, but people tend to vote with local issues in mind. Nationally, you may actually agree that closing inefficient hospitals is a good idea, but when they come to close down your local hospital, it's usually a different matter.

"Big" centralised government is a bad thing.

As for caravans, well, up here's swarming with them. 4X4's everywhere, and you can wait a couple of hours if they're both women drivers, having a mexican standoff about who should reverse or not.

Good jokes, Jimmy!

3:38 PM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

In reference to Chris's comments about the scum underclass, I agree absolutely.

I was talking to a bloke where I used to live who'd just had 2 windows shot in with an air rifle. Now, we both knew that the kid who had done it was yer local white chav. There were very few people there of a different ethnic sort, but this bloke went from ranting about the chav with the air rifle, and onto how it was somehow the "pakis" fault. Unbelievable, but that's pretty much what's happening on a national scale. A friend of mine used to live in North Wales- a right dump, this particular town (technically a city), and the only person in the street besides her with a job was an Indian bloke across the road. Yep, you guessed it, he was no trouble, always polite and very well behaved.

The local chav scum, by contrast, spent all day sleeping and all night getting pissed/stoned and making a tremendous racket. Yet, the amount of hate they had for anyone better than them! (which was just about everyone). Like the Indian fellow across the road.

What's the point of demanding that immigrant criminals get kicked out, when we've got an overwhelming deluge of home grown, indigenous scum? Policicians and other crooks act as if we'd return to a decent society if we just kicked out Johnny Foreigner.

Also, I agree with Kris- in a real democracy, real politics are local. We don't live in a true democracy because the main parties have sold us this "one size fits all" version, where even journalists and commentators state that if you voted, for example, NuLabour, then you should shut up, accept their policies, and vote them out next time if you're so displeased.

National politics are secondary to local. We may all be pissed off with national issues, but people tend to vote with local issues in mind. Nationally, you may actually agree that closing inefficient hospitals is a good idea, but when they come to close down your local hospital, it's usually a different matter.

"Big" centralised government is a bad thing.

As for caravans, well, up here's swarming with them. 4X4's everywhere, and you can wait a couple of hours if they're both women drivers, having a mexican standoff about who should reverse or not.

Good jokes, Jimmy!

3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This serious politics stuff is getting a bit too deep for me so come on Bazza let's have the next instalment.

(No holidays allowed just yet - you wouldn't want to be outdone by Tony Blah would you?)

3:55 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

Sorry about multiple posts- the second one's supposed to be an edit of the first one.

5:52 AM  
Blogger kris said...

Here's a nice twist from the "you couldn't make this shit up" department... Local scuz-bag, white, yet his jamacian patois on the telephone fools even the locals, is suing the council anti-social behaviour deaprtment for, wait for, it, harassment and racism! I can't wait to hear the outcome of that compo claim.

11:33 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

"It's me culture, innit?".

Odd thing is, most of these types ARE racists.

I was forced to go on a lifting and handling course last week. 2 hours of stating the bloody obvious and finding out (a) who I could sue if I do my back in etc (b) who could sue me if I injure them and (c) who could sue me if I do my back in etc.

Apparently, we are supposed to do a "risk assessment" before lifting ANY THING. This involves checking the shape of the item, how it is loaded (top heavy, etc), the likely route we'd be using moving it, and what risks there are on the way. If it weighs more than 10Kg and it's got to be lifted above waist height, or if we have to twist to pick it up, then someone else must help. But not just any "anyone else". Oh no. NOT pregnant women. NOT a woman if the item weight more than 15 Kg. Not a minor. Not anyone who has a disability, even if we're talking colour blindness.

You've guessed it: I work for a County Council. Sheer bloody stupidity or what? This is supposed to be the same country that built the Forth Bridge, the "Great western railway" etc.

12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To comment CHRIS!


So its the 'Fucking chavs INIT' NO! It is the fucking immigrants, that drain this country! Im not sticking up for my chav mate, who sitting next to me dude, but what you forgetting is the chavs are the people of this contry; NOT THE immigrants! So what if thay are 'burberry-wearing cunts' lmao.


People who are not from this contry &/or iligal people are the ones who are draing the NHS & House etc. claiming well more than any chav ever dose (I have seem some 'propa' chavs throught my life and thay dont claim as much money/drain this contry, as much as you think). Its the pakis and polish who come over here & do!


Michael Mckenzie

7:10 PM  

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