Friday, June 16, 2006

Release the wandering tigers


MUCH IS made of the lack of opportunity for members of our ethnic minorities, so it’s good to see a couple of bright youngsters showing the rest of their compatriots the way to a lucrative life.

So let’s say you’re a typical Muslim lad: Bollywood and bangra, baseball cap and a pimped-up Vauxhall Astra with those boom-boom speakers that let you generously share your musical taste with sleeping neighbours. How are you going to make your fortune? It’s easy. Just shave your head, grow a silly “upside-down man” beard, and start wearing a sack. Sooner or later people will notice the change in your appearance. Then just sit back and await the six o’clock knock.

True, you might have to put up with the minor inconvenience of getting slightly shot, but as long as you don’t mind that – as well as spending a few days in a nice warm nick being questioned by the spooks – you can expect a decent pay-out of at least … ooh … say £500,000. And you get to go on the telly. Money for old rope, isn’t it?

Forgive my facetiousness, but when you look at the eye-rolling protestations of the Liberal Left over the Forest Gate raids, it’s difficult not to scratch one’s head and wonder what on earth is going on. I don’t for one moment believe that MI5 relies solely on the word of the nosy old woman in the laundrette when it comes to intelligence gathering. They must therefore have had substantial and substantive information that something fishy was going on, and that it involved chemicals in some way.

What then are they to do? Wait for an anthrax bomb to go off in amongst the crowds watching Ingerland on a big screen? Keep watching and waiting until one of the suspects starts heading towards the nearest tube station? Send round Sergeant George Dixon to tap politely on the door and inquire as to whether or not the occupants were actually suicide bombers and careful as you go?

Of course not. Once there was any significant information regarding a real threat, correct or not, there was only one course of action to take. Get in there quick and sort it out one way or another. That we should now be talking about a massive tax-free compo hand-out for hurt feelings and a broken front door shows how barmy we’ve all become. Do suspected burglars and drug dealers get cashback every time they’re nicked? I think not.

And anyway, no-one’s yet explained where that £38,000 in used fifties that was hidden in the Forest Gate house came from. Perhaps someone had won an earlier series of Opportunity Knocks.

BACK TO those big World Cup screens that the BBC erected in towns and cities all over the country at massive expense to the poor licence-payer and against the advice of police. What were they thinking of?

Has no-one in the Beeb’s Stupid Ideas department ever watched a football match in a pub? Did they not think what might happen when that drink-sodden scenario was multiplied by a factor of 100? And then brought nicely to the boil by an absence of Factor 50?

Expecting some of the drunken scrotes who’d be attracted to these bright lights to behave themselves impeccably while watching the tactical genius that is Sven Moron Eriksson floundering in the face of lesser opponents was a triumph of hope over experience. It was therefore no surprise at all when minor riots broke out in Liverpool and London, resulting in the plug being unceremoniously pulled at many venues.

I would suggest that the BBC might want to pay the costs incurred by the police and councils who had to clear up the mess they created, but of course, it would be you and me who paid, wouldn’t it?

(Oh, and congratulations to The Sun for almost avoiding mentioning the war by sneaking the headline “Late rally in Nuremburg” into its coverage of the Trinidad and Tobago match.)

THERE MUST be some terribly clumsy children out there. I arrive at this conclusion after reading that the council in Torbay has identified the resort’s trademark palm trees as “a danger to the public”.

Councillor Colin Charlwood (Liberal Idiot Party) has confidently declared “What if one of those sharp leaves caught a child in the eye, for example? It’s a bit like keeping tigers – they are beautiful to look at, but you wouldn’t want them wandering the streets.”

Right, two things: firstly, thorough research via that interweb thingy tells me that there hasn’t been a single case, anywhere in the world ever, of a palm tree leaping out and blinding an unsuspecting child. That means – if Councillor Halfwit is to be believed – that it must be clumsy children stumbling onto the palm trees.

Secondly, who is he to unilaterally declare that we wouldn’t want tigers wandering the streets? I can think of several situations where a tiger or two would be a welcome addition to the pavement populace – particularly anywhere the BBC has erected a giant World Cup screen.

I WAS going to write about The Dangerous Book for Boys, the bestseller that encourages fathers to introduce their male offspring to the more robust activities of their youth, but unfortunately I’m stuck up this bloody tree at the moment …

O The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this website, of anyone who doesn't think that Argentina are going to win the World Cup, of anyone who phoned up Alan Green on 606 to say "Everything's fine, we've qualified", or of anyone who doesn't think that Sven has completely lost the plot if he can't see that Gerrard needs to play in the hole. Warning: Comments from Porridge Wogs and women will be deleted.

40 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having a dig yet again at the Scots Bazza, you should all be made to live in Liverpool for the rest of your days.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Albert Tatlock said...

Let the tigers loose!

11:56 PM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

All those genetically-engineered anonymous Scottish persons wake up early don't they?? I tried to spot the "dig at the Scots" mentioned by #1 paranoid anon, but failed to find it [unless you count the "Porridge Wog" ref right at the end]. Still, it's all good fun, and Bazza, PLEASE keep on pissing off those Northern Tourette types - it's great sport, and they can't resist rising to the bait can they???!!!!

1:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thick as fucking mince you English wanker if you could not spot it.
You are not clever enough to piss us off, the fun is tormenting tossers like Tony b.liar (really clever name that).

5:37 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Ah, I was wondering how long it would take for one of the foul-mouthed "Tourette-Anons" from N of the border to break cover!!!!! Just proves my point!
Well over half of dear Mr Bliar's corrupt government is Scottish -and look at the state of this poor old country. As Baz, would say "I rest my case".
If you would like to cut a deal, wee Scottish person, how about we send all your countrymen [especially your politicians]back home AND give you independence on top? Since we have now exhausted most of "your" oil and gas, it would be no skin off our noses - and it would make about 50 million English people VERY happy. Give it a thought, there's a good boy, OK?
Pleased you appreciate my 'clever' name, it was chosen with great care!!
Pip pip!!!!

8:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've risen again to the bait ya wee English fanny. Who gives a fuck about what you think? Pip Pip ya wee poof.

1:55 AM  
Blogger CJ said...

One again Mr Beelzebub speaks for the nation. The only thing puzzling me is why no one listens. And as for the Scots, why do they insist on reading a Blog that they know will contain mischievious ant-Scottish comments if it offends them so much. Bugger off back to the highlands and take your stuffed sheeps intestines with you.

5:29 AM  
Anonymous Peter C said...

I like the appelation "Jockistan" and therefore the people who come from there are "Jockistanis"

6:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are still all English faggots.

8:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

C.J. what a laugh you are, not only are you a woman and a Scouser but you managed to name your child after that wee shite from the Omen!

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scousers in Heaven

St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of forty one Scousers all wanting to get into heaven.

St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all, and asks them to wait while he goes off to ask God to tell him which ones he should let in.

"Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven," says God.

Ten minutes later Peter comes running back to God, out of breath.
"They're gone!" he exclaims.

"What, all forty and C.J.?" says God.
"Not the Scousers," says Peter, "The bloody gates...!"

8:17 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

A fulsome apology to the prolific "Anonymous" Tourette's sufferer from N of the border: to my shame I hadn't realised I was in discussion with a member of MENSA!!

Clearly,I have met my intellectual match, and it was stupid of me not to recognize this earlier. Hope you won't hold it against me in any future debates, dear boy?

[Dare i say] Pip Pip ya wee **** of ******* ***** ya ******* **** ya

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You clearly have met your match and no I won't hold it against you - English twat.

12:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's an interesting bit of trivia that may amuse the masses:

A website for American sufferers of Tourette's has an online chatroom. I'll bet the quality of discussion matches that found here somedays.

Oh, well, I'm off to look at dirty pictures. Nightie night.

11:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope the pics are not the type Gary Glitter looks at (he's English as well).

11:08 PM  
Anonymous bristol mafia said...

"Well over half of dear Mr Bliar's corrupt government is Scottish"

As of course is Mr Bliar. How the hell did we ever let ourselves get ruled by another country???

1:01 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Spot on Bristol mafia! And as for Bliar's passion for devolution - but not in reverse [the East Kilbride scandal], let's not even go there.

Brace yourselves for a few creative literary comments from the Anon Tourette's cases.

3:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One minute you rule us and then we rule you - make up your fucking mind.

5:24 AM  
Blogger Albert Tatlock said...

You could not make this up!
The man arrested after he tripped and smashed three 17th Century Qing dynasty porcelain vases at a Cambridge museum will not face any criminal charges.

Nick Flynn, 42, from Fowlmere, said he had tripped over his shoelace and crashed into the vases at The Fitzwilliam Museum in January.

He was arrested and given police bail in April on suspicion of causing criminal damage.

On Tuesday, Cambs Police said Mr Flynn would not face any charges.

A police spokesman said the decision had been made following consultations between police and the Crown Prosecution Service.

Hundreds of pieces

After the vases were broken, Mr Flynn said: "I can say with my hand on my heart that it was not deliberate."

The vases are currently being restored after they were left lying in hundreds of pieces.

The initial clear-up operation took two-and-a-half days.

The first of the three vases to be restored should be back on display by the end of this month.

The work has involved taping all the pieces together and then binding them with a special adhesive before the final polish and enamels are put back on.

The three vases are part of a set of five with an estimated value of between £200,000 and £300,000.

7:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Porridge Wogs.... Shall I continue my arguement with the Wog who still insists that MRI scanners were invented my a Feckless Jock? Scottish Women are worse that the men! Load of social security grabbing scroungers, acting that they have a gammy leg just to get increased benefits. To hell with them all!..... but keeping them in scotland will suffice.

7:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a pish argument - if out of all the inventors listed the best you can come up with is one that might be dubious.
Typical English wanker.
Can't wait till you get fucked out of the World Cup. The excuses will be brilliant!

12:47 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Marvellous stuff! So pleased to see that Wee Scottish McTourette has woken from his deepfried Mars Bar and sixteen pints of heavy-induced slumbers.

But please, McTourette, could you find some new amusing expletives to throw at the terrible English? Getting a bit fed up of f*****g w****r, c**t, etc etc.

As far as the footie goes, I'm not particularly concerned whether the England team go far or not - it's all rather irrelevent: but the fact is WE are there - YOU ain't! Must be a touch difficult to swallow, eh? Still, it takes our minds off the fact that we were lied to by a bunch of Scots to drag the country into war without reason........

Pip pip

2:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm getting sick of your smarmy English pish as well.
War usually puts the shites up your lot anyway.

2:59 AM  
Blogger count de down said...

Paranoid Scots, why can't you just sit back & let the English football team make fools of themselves, like their Rugby counterparts. And which Scottish team is European champion/world champions/Celtic League chamions? Duh.

4:48 AM  
Anonymous Mike Davies said...

Scots in the news - Skynews reports
"A seven-year-old boy has been attacked by a thug because he was wearing an England football top in Scotland.
Hugo Clapshaw had been enjoying a kick-about when a man shouted abuse and punched him."

And from the BBC "Ian Smith, a disabled man who was dragged from his car in Aberdeen and beaten by a man purely for sporting an England shirt."
Don't see Scots attacking adult, able-bodied Englishmen do you? Wonder why?

8:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, a Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks: That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Scottish bloke thinks: I can't fucking wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English cunt again.....

8:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't see you English Hooligans coming up to Hampden to cause bother do we - fucking shitebags!

8:38 AM  
Anonymous Mike Davies said...

Funny joke. But why does the Scot wait till he hidden by the dark in the tunnel. He's not scared by a grown up able-bodied Englishman is he?

8:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is there such a thing as an able-bodied Englishman?

10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, least we got into the world cup. Scotland werent allowed because the world doesnt even see them as a real country, just a gathering of ginger feckless, lazy decendents from all slime walks of life.

2:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Touch of English genius there "the world doesnt even see them as a real country" They did when Archie Gemmill's goal against Holland was nominated by FIFA as the seventh best goal ever scored in any World Cup.

11:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on shorts and a T-shirt.

15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barbi before it gets cold.

-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland get angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky.

-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500 degrees - Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup!

12:06 PM  
Blogger BarryBeelzebub said...

Right, enough is enough.

Either stop bickering or I'll start deleting.

Love, Uncle Bazza.

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Touchy touchy Bazza.

1:31 AM  
Blogger Albert Tatlock said...

You started it Bazza - if you had not slagged of the great Scottish nation this would never had happened and now you want to start deleting, dear, dear!

1:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And just think..the English subsidise the woads to the tune of £1000 per Jockoe per annum. If they're gonna hate us anyway, maybe we should stop their pocket money.

6:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is a bloody discrace that one of those brothers was shot by the police. What kind of police force do we have these days??!!!! Why oh why did they not shoot both of them?!

3:52 AM  
Blogger pewkatchoo said...

Mike Davies said..

'And from the BBC "Ian Smith, a disabled man who was dragged from his car in Aberdeen and beaten by a man purely for sporting an England shirt."
Don't see Scots attacking adult, able-bodied Englishmen do you? Wonder why?'


Well we tried looking for some but couldn't find any.

Just joking, you are all wonderful fellows.

4:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poofery is the national pastime of the English.

8:29 AM  
Anonymous CHEEKY TART said...

typical english cunts sitting in a room tickling each others arses bunch of poofters they say the scots accent is hard to understand the last time i was down london i had to tell the bus driver to take his cock out of his mouth just so i could hear how much the fare was NOW WHILST ALL YOU ENGLISH TOSSPOTS ARE AGHAST AT MY LANGUAGE HERES A BOTTY TRUFFEL TO FILL YOUSE ALL UP YILL LUNCHTIME HAHA OINK OINK

9:52 PM  

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