Friday, June 02, 2006

I'm right, you know I'm right



IT’S NOT always easy swimming against the tide. I’ve been harassed by tree-huggers, threatened by animal rights nutters, attacked by militant vegetarians and once had the entire Muslim Council of Great Britain marching down the road towards me carrying burning torches.

But it’s a cross I gladly bear, not least because sooner or later I always turn out to be right.

Take global warming, for instance. The do-gooders have been preaching at me for years, saying that we’re all doomed and will be up to our knees in melted icecap by Christmas just because I use a 4x4 to drive my empty wine bottles to the recycling skip. Now it turns out that the biggest generator of carbon monoxide on the planet isn’t a yummy mummy doing the school run in a Chelsea tractor but … trees. Yes, trees.

Whole jungles of the malicious bastards, pumping out enough guff to put a hole in the ozone layer the size of Australia every week. So all those smart-arse millionaire pop stars who came over all holier-than-thou by planting forests as a tax dodge will be smiling on the other side of their faces when their Norfolk estates are under six feet of seawater.

Then there are the so-called veggies and their weird eating habits. I’ve always been of the opinion that if you’re going to do something, you should do it properly. So that means no handbags and no leather shoes. Otherwise all they’re achieving is killing a cow and then chucking away the best bits, i.e. the meat.

And what’s “vegetarian bacon” when it’s at home? Tree bark and minced balsa wood mushed up, coloured, and then extruded into the shape of a rasher? What’s the point in that?

Then there’s soya, the staple diet of daft teenagers and poncey middle-class women who think it’s just a harmless affectation. Oh really? Do you know where soya comes from? The Amazon. And did you know that vast swathes of jungle are being cleared, at the cost of huge damage to wildlife and the environment, just to grow the stuffing for vegetarian sausages? I thought not.

IT APPEARS that I am not alone in having somewhat trenchant views on this subject. A visiting fellow in evolutionary psychology at Newcastle University has had his e-mail and internet access rescinded after upsetting the bunny-huggers by writing an article entitled “Why vegetarians should be force fed with lard”.

This follows his earlier efforts “Why banning hunting is wrong” and “A woman’s place”, which makes some very valid points about how letting women out of the kitchen is threatening to cause the collapse of Western civilisation. (I have to say, he seems like a very sound chap.)

Needless to say, the Thought Police have now swooped after complaints from the hairy armpit brigade. Still, we all know what value our current Powers-That-Be attach to freedom of speech. The poor bloke’s probably been deported by now.

NORTH OF
the border we must go, to the land where the women smell of mutton and sound like Wee Jimmy Krankie. There, the Scottish Executive (the governing quango that is awash with English taxpayers’ money) is warning landlords and bar owners that they may be forced to stop serving traditional pub meals.

Apparently the Executive is considering proposals to force landlords to promote “sensible eating” as a condition of their licences by banning pies, beans and chips from their menus.

For goodness sake, have you ever been to Scotland? It’s a horrible place, full of drunks, shortbread and drizzle. The poor inhabitants (i.e. those who can’t afford the rail fare South) must have some consolation in their lives. That’s why they invented the deep-fried Mars Bar. And what’s better to soak up the pints of heavy and chasers? Pie, chips and beans or a nice rocket salad?

POOR JOHN Prescott. First everyone complains that he hasn’t got a proper job, then everyone complains because he was caught playing croquet instead of doing the proper job he hasn’t got. Work that one out.

And it’s good to know that class-hatred works both ways within the ranks of NuLabour. Am I the only one who thinks that this “story” wouldn’t have registered on the national radar if he’d spent the afternoon cleaning out his pigeon loft in Hull, rather than playing a game for toffs on the lawns of a mansion? They just can’t help themselves, can they?

And meanwhile some MP called Alan Johnson has decided that he would quite like to be the next former union leader to while away the hours reading Marxism Today from the comfort of a state-funded four-poster bed by replacing Prescott as Deputy Prime Minister.

Well excuse me. Isn’t this the man who only last month was appointed Secretary of State for Education? Is there any chance that he might set aside his rampant opportunism and spend at least half a year teaching our children to read and write before rushing off to stick his snout in another trough?

THE FORMER
boxer, Prince Naseem Hamed, in prison for almost killing a man while showing off his sports car, has landed himself a cushy job training other lags in the gym.

Is this altogether wise? It’s already bad enough trying to defend your home from burglars and robbers without the State giving them free lessons in the efficacy of a good left jab.

O The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this website, of anyone who doesn't think that Alistair will turn to drink now he's knocked the gambling on the head, of anyone who hasn't already made plans for a mad dash to Germany once we get to the quarter-finals, or of anyone who hasn't already seen Big Brother Leah's horrendous porno pictures. Badly packed kebab springs to mind.

34 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bazza once again you are having a dig at the great Scottish nation.
You certainly would not be living in the luxury to which you are accustomed if it was not for great Scottish inventors.

A steam car (steam engine): William Murdoch (1754-1839)
Macadam roads: John Loudon McAdam (1756-1836)
Driving on the left: Determined by a Scottish-inspired Act of Parliament in 1772
The pedal bicycle: Kirkpatrick Macmillan (1813-1878)
The pneumatic tyre: Robert William Thomson (1822-1873) and John Boyd Dunlop (1840-1921)
The overhead valve engine: David Dunbar Buick (1854-1929)
The speedometer: Sir Keith Elphinstone (1864-1944)
The motor lorry: John Yule in 1870
The steam tricycle: Andrew Lawson in 1895
Bridge design: Sir William Arrol (1838-1913), Thomas Telford (1757-1834) & John Rennie (1761-1821)
Suspension bridge improvements: Sir Samuel Brown (1776-1852)
Tubular steel: Sir William Fairbairn (1789-1874)
Canals & Docks
Falkirk Wheel: ??? (Opened 2002)
Canal design: Thomas Telford (1757-1834)
Dock design: John Rennie (1761-1821)
The patent slip for docking vessels: Thomas Morton (1781-1832)
Crane design: James Bremner (1784-1856)
Lighthouses
Lighthouse design: Robert Stevenson (1772-1850)
The Drummond Light: Thomas Drummond (1797-1840)
Power Innovations
Steam engine improvements: James Watt (1736-1819)
Coal-gas lighting: William Murdock (1754-1839)
The Stirling heat engine: Rev. Robert Stirling (1790-1878)
Electro-magnetic innovations: James Clerk Maxwell (1831-79)
Carbon brushes for dynamos: George Forbes (1849-1936)
The Clark cycle gas engine: Sir Dugald Clark (1854-1932)
Wireless transformer improvements: Sir James Swinburne (1858-1958)
Cloud chamber recording of atoms: Charles T. R. Wilson (1869-1959)
Wave-powered electricity generator: Stephen Salter in 1977
Shipbuilding Innovations
The steamship paddle wheel: Patrick Miller (1731-1815)
The steam boat: William Symington (1763-1831)
Europe's first passenger steamboat: Henry Bell (1767-1830)
The first iron-hulled steamship: Sir William Fairbairn (1789-1874)
The first practical screw propeller: Robert Wilson (1803-1882)
Marine engine innovations: James Howden (1832-1913)
Other Scottish shipbuilding firsts:
The first all-steel ship
The first steel ship to cross the Atlantic
The first paddle steamer to cross the Atlantic
The first ship to cross the Atlantic in less than a week
The first all-welded ship
The first merchant ship to run on oil
The first set of triple-expansion engines for a twin-screw steamer
The first ship to be fitted with two engines
The first steam whaler
Heavy Industry Innovations
The carronade cannon: Robert Melville (1723-1809)
Making cast steel from wrought iron: David Mushet (1772-1847)
Wrought iron sash bars for glass houses: John C. Loudon (1783-1865)
The hot blast oven: James Beaumont Neilson (1792-1865)
The steam hammer: James Nasmyth (1808-1890)
Wire rope: Robert Stirling Newall (1812-1889)
Steam engine improvements: William Mcnaught (1831-1881)
The Fairlie, a Narrow gauge, double-bogey railway engine: Robert Francis Fairlie (1831-1885)
Agricultural Innovations
Threshing machine improvements: James Meikle (c.1690-c.1780) & Andrew Meikle (1719-1811)
Hollow pipe drainage: Sir Hugh Dalrymple, Lord Drummore (1700-1753)
The Scotch Plough: James Anderson of Hermiston (1739-1808)
Deanstonisation soil-drainage system: James Smith (1789-1850)
The mechanical reaping machine: Rev. Patrick Bell (1799-1869)
The Fresno Scraper: James Porteous (1848-1922)
The Tuley tree shelter: Graham Tuley in 1979
Communication Innovations
Print stereotyping: William Ged (1690-1749)
The balloon post: John Anderson (1726-1796)
The adhesive postage stamp and the postmark: James Chalmers (1782-1853)
The post office
The mail-van service
Universal Standard Time: Sir Sandford Fleming (1827-1915)
Light signalling between ships: Admiral Philip H. Colomb (1831-1899)
The telephone: Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922)
The teleprinter: Frederick G. Creed (1871-1957)
The television: John Logie Baird (1888-1946)
Radar: Robert Watson-Watt (1892-1973)
Some Scottish publishing firsts:
The first book translated from English into a foreign language
The first edition of the Encyclopædia Britannica (1768-81)
The first English textbook on surgery (1597)
The first modern pharmacopaedia, the Materia Medica Catalogue (1776)
The first textbook on Newtonian science
The first colour newspaper advertisement
The first postcards and picture postcards in the UK
Scientific innovations
Logarithms: John Napier (1550-1617)
Popularising the decimal point: John Napier (1550-1617)
The Gregorian telescope: James Gregory (1638-1675)
The concept of latent heat: Joseph Black (1728-1799)
The pyroscope, atmometer and aethrioscope scientific instruments: Sir John Leslie (1766-1832)
Identifying the nucleus in living cells: Robert Browen (1773-1858)
Hypnosis: James Braid (1795-1860)
Colloid chemistry: Thomas Graham (1805-1869)
The kelvin SI unit of temperature: William Thompson, Lord Kelvin (1824-1907)
Devising the diagramatic system of representing chemical bonds: Alexander Crum Brown (1838-1922)
Criminal fingerprinting: Henry Faulds (1843-1930)
The noble gases: Sir William Ramsay (1852-1916)
Pioneering work on nutrition and poverty: John Boyd Orr (1880-1971)
The ultrasound scanner: Ian Donald (1910-1987)
Ferrocene synthetic substances: Peter Ludwig Pauson in 1955
The MRI body scanner: John Mallard in 1980
The first cloned mammal (Dolly the Sheep): The Roslin Institute research centre in 1996
Medical Innovations
Devising the cure for scurvy: James Lind (1716-1794)
Discovering quinine as the cure for malaria: George Cleghorn (1716-1794)
Pioneering the use of surgical anaesthesia: Sir James Young Simpson (1811-1870)
The hypodermic syringe: Alexander Wood (1817-1884)
Pioneering the use of antiseptics: Joseph Lister (1827-1912)
Identifying the mosquito as the carrier of malaria: Sir Ronald Ross (1857-1932)
Identifying the cause of brucellosis: Sir David Bruce (1855-1931)
Discovering the vaccine for typhoid fever: Sir William B. Leishman (1865-1926)
Discovering insulin: John J R Macleod (1876-1935) with others
Penicillin: Sir Alexander Fleming (1881-1955)
Discovering an effective tuberculosis treatment: Sir John Crofton in the 1950s
Developing the first beta-blocker drugs: Sir James W. Black in 1964
Glasgow Coma Scale: Graham Teasdale and Bryan J. Jennett (1974)
Household Innovations
The Dewar Flask: Sir James Dewar (1847-1932)
The piano with footpedals: John Broadwood (1732-1812)
The waterproof macintosh: Charles Macintosh (1766-1843)
Marmalade: James Keiller (1775-1839)
The kaleidoscope: Sir David Brewster (1781-1868)
The modern lawnmower: Alexander Shanks (1801-1845)
The Lucifer friction match: Sir Isaac Holden (1807-1897)
Paraffin: James Young (1811-1883)
The fountain pen: Robert Thomson (1822-1873)
Cotton-reel thread: J & J Clark of Paisley
Marmalade with peel: James Robertson in 1850
Cornflour: John Polson in 1854
Lime Cordial: Lachlan Rose in 1867
Bovril beef extract: John Lawson Johnston in 1874

11:19 PM  
Blogger The Weardale Militia said...

hCrumbs that’s an awful lot of inventing. Let’s not forget Forfar Bridies, Edinburgh rock , The Bay City Rollers, Moira Stewart and the Clan Tartans.

1:08 AM  
Anonymous tc said...

What about Montgomery Scott and his warp drive improvements

2:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Typical Bastard Jock!

MRI is based on a physics phenomenon discovered in the 1930s, called nuclear magnetic resonance or NMR, in which magnetic fields and radio waves cause atoms to give off tiny radio signals. Felix Bloch, working at Stanford University, and Edward Purcell, from Harvard University, discovered NMR. NMR spectroscopy was then used as means to study the composition of chemical compounds.

In 1977, Dr. Damadian completed construction of the first whole-body MRI scanner

After Paul Lauterbur, Peter Mansfield, and others found a way of using NMR to generate images, Damadian used their work to produce the first magnetic resonance imaging ("MRI") scan of the human body in 1977.

Damadian was born in New York. He is of Melville, New York, a scientist of Armenian descent, who earned his BS in mathematics from the University of Wisconsin in 1956, and an M.D. degree from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York City in 1960.

You cant lie to a guy who uses an MRI scanner every day Mr. Super Smart Jock.

Warren G

6:01 PM  
Anonymous Steve B said...

Erm anything after 1900 Scotty Boy?

Great history, and blessed with amazing natural features Scotland but really, nowadays it's just lying in a pool of english-funded benefits isn't it?

1:34 AM  
Blogger Lord Elpus said...

Hey McAnonymous! I've already got that tea towel. Can't you come up with anything original?

6:23 AM  
Blogger BarryBeelzebub said...

The Glasgow Coma Scale?

That would be a Saturday night thing, then ...

8:04 AM  
Blogger Lord Elpus said...

Interesting that marmalade was invented sometime before the death of Mr Keiller in 1839 (not Mr Saville as widely believed) but it took until 1850 to come up with chunky cut marmalade. Not exactly fast thinkers, some of these "inventors".

9:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Typical English wanker.
Professor John Mallard, then Head of the Medical Physics Department at the University of Aberdeen, led a team of physicists who created a scanner which could "see" the whole body. Aberdeen clinicians then broke new ground when they put it to medical use on August 28, 1980.
You can't lie to a man that installs and repairs them everyday!

9:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Montgomery Scott has yet to be born in Linlithgow so we will hold fire on that one.

9:26 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Trees, the cause of global warming? Erm, my chemistry may be a little ropey but I thought trees converted the carbon dixode we breathed out into the oxygen we need to, erm, live...

Mind you, if we shut down the Scottish Executive, Welsh Assembly & NI Wotsit and relegated those hot-air exhaling wankers, then you may be right Bazza and we may end up not needing any more trees.

Of course, despite all that, Bazza's comments about Scotland is one of the main reasons why everyone hates the English so much: you're a bunch of snivelling little cunts who expect the world to revolve around you... and you'll cry and scream "foul!" when you get knocked out of the first round in the coming World Cup. :)

3:35 AM  
Blogger Moriarty said...

The 'problem' with all those untouched virgin rainforests the treehuggers love so much, is that dead and rotting wood and leaves are a major source of methane - which is a more powerful greenhouse gas than CO2.

Oh, and at least we did qualify for World Cup this time, unlike the porridge wogs.

1:16 PM  
Blogger BarryBeelzebub said...

One Paraguay shirt - £40.

One Trinidad & Tobago shirt - £40.

One Sweden shirt - £40.

Listening to the impotent gnashing of teeth in a Glasgow bar - fucking priceless.

2:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Like you would be in the Glasgow bar?
Not a chance you English shitebag.
Certainly potent enough to kick you all over the place.

12:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a fucking great laugh we are going to have when you wankers don't win the World Cup!

12:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BBC World Cup Guidelines For Commentary Team.

1 -Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match (Germany v Costa Rica), the commentator must mention England.
2 - Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England has to be mentioned within the first minute.
3 - The commentator shall refer to the Falkland Isles in passing at some point in the match if England plays Argentina.
4 - Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be made within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.
5 - Should England wear their red jerseys, then '1966' should be mentioned approximately 20 times.
6 - 1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times a match, or only on 4 or 5 occasions for matches not involving England.
7 - Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the commentator will mention Bobby Moore. And 1966.
8 - When Germany are playing, they must be referred to as being arrogant by the commentator on at least 14 occasions. This must refer to their style, their passing, their haircuts and their general football ability.
9 - Should England play Germany, mentions of Winston Churchill, Dambusters, The Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory. And 1966.
10 - All Scottish members of our commentary team must continue to refer to England as "we" and "us".
11 - We must ensure that nationalistic stereotypes are adhered to. Of course, the Germans are arrogant. The Spanish are bottlers, The Ivory Coast are fast but bad at defending, The Angolans are disorganised, The Argentineans are cheats and the French are only good because their best players play in England.
12 - For matches not involving England, we must only discuss the players that are playing in England. (e.g. - Holland v Argentina should be referred to as Van Nistelroy v Crespo).
13 - The mythical "bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often as possible.
14 - Each match involving England should begin with the phrase "England Expects."
15 - Should any player be involved in an injury that involves the loss of teeth, then references to Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.
16 - If in doubt, mention 1966.
17 - Praise all of the stunning new stadiums in Germany but emphasise that they lack the presence of Wembley, the spiritual home of football since 1966.
18 - Commentators should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth Wolstenholme, the hero of 1966.
19 - Should any team feature brothers playing together, then Jackie and Bobby Charlton should be mentioned.
20 - When England bow out after the first stage, we must emphasise that it is a massive blow to football and a serious loss to the World Cup.

ps. As this directive was issued before Rooney's injury, at any break in play a graphic of a foot, with the second metatarsal highlighted, will also be compulsory. Mentions of Beckham's metatarsal, Rooney's Euro 2004 Championship metatarsal injury, poxy modern boots [cruelly robbing England of multiple Euro/World/Pan-Galactic titles], Stanley Matthews & Gola Speedsters will all be actively encouraged from the BBC production booth.


Those who do not learn from history condemn themselves to repeat it.

12:53 AM  
Anonymous Bristol Mafia said...

Just a thought. Do any porridge wogs have actual names or are they all called "anonymous"? Perhaps this is a family name which points to a certain amount of inbreeding!!

4:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Instead of anonymous maybe they could come up with a great name like "Bristol Mafia" - must have been up all night thinking that one up!

6:49 PM  
Anonymous bristol mafia said...

Heya, Signore Anonymous 8

Youa insulto mya Sicilian roots.....

Youa wanna meet my Godfather?

Capisce!

2:43 AM  
Blogger Albert Tatlock said...

What about this Big Brother nonsense apparently of those golden tickets, 58 were found before last Friday's deadline, but two people decided not to put themselves forward for the show, two dropped out, and 19 did not pass the required background checks.
Background check? 19 managed to fail, how scary is that!

11:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jock Wanker...
It would seem that whatever source you are obtaining your information from is one of weak knowledge and reference. U should review your MRI history and not remain a stereotypical jock prick (i.e. feckless, arrogant, porridge wog, backstabbing, tight fisted) hence, a typical child to the ever lasting fried mars bar eating nation. Edward I had the right idea about you Scots, but hang on, perhaps I shouldn’t go there, as it’ll probably come up somewhere that you Scots invented him too!

1:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well we kicked Edward's cunt in at Stirling that's another thing to add to the list English fuckwit!

5:28 AM  
Blogger Stew said...

Why do scotch people always get so cross?
The song Flower of Scotland - which refers to Edward Ironside was written by Roy Williamson of the Corries.
According to Wikipedia, e was once mistaken for an Englishman and attacked in Edinburgh. Ironically, his assailants walked away singing Flower of Scotland.

Love the scotch

12:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

[i]Why do scotch people always get so cross?[/i]

Coz they're pissed most of the time.

11:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! Stew is that a pic of the famous kiddy fiddler Jonathan King? He's English is he not?

10:12 AM  
Blogger Albert Tatlock said...

You could be right there anon - looks very like him.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Stew said...

Tssch! You guys need lessons:

How to spot a paedophile

12:21 PM  
Blogger Albert Tatlock said...

I used Maddox's site to check and it confirmed that I was correct in my assumption.

11:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Jock Wanker,

Yeah, you feckless wankers got your freedom for a while... till we kicked your asses again and england took control of scotland. Ahhhh i love history.

I bet you love love train spotting the movie too dont ya? Ewan McGregor had a great line in the film about the scottish being the lowest of the low, and of-course he said the English were wankers.... leading on with 'Wankers are in-charge of us'.... hence, doesnt say much for the scottish does it matey?

3:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You forgot Bannockburn when you outnumbered us 4 to 1 and we still gave you a fucking doing!

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I suppose that's why the English are fighting each other to leave England? And lets face it - who can blame them? Overcrowded, polluted shithole that's slowly disappearing into the sea :-)

7:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought you were were overrun with Pakkis and Blacks (or whatever is politically correct these days).
White English people are the minority down there these days I heard.

10:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you have got to be the biggest tool in England you have got to get your head out of your arse if ENGURLAND is so fucking great why the fuck are all you english chirpers moving up here

4:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

after spending much pleasing times in various parts of Scotland i've recently had the displeasure of staying in Bristol. After 3 days all i could establish is that bullshitting pompus aloof elite with pathetic accents that frequent the place appear to be slowly being replaced with shellsuited, skinheaded, macho i'm gonna kikuredin laaad, teenage pisspots with the intelect of a loose brown trout. Yes its fair to say Bristol is a sprewlin chav breeding social cesspit and thats only from experiancing the white aspect of modern society in the city.

11:26 AM  

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