Sunday, March 26, 2006

I didn't get where I am today ...

THIS COUNTRY has produced many literary geniuses: Jordan, Posh Spice, Will Self, Bridget Jones, Wayne Rooney, Jeffrey Archer, the man who writes the Vauxhall Zafira ads (“overtired”). Oh, and me.

But one author who has never really received the acclaim he deserves is a certain Mr David Nobbs, the brains behind Sunshine Desserts, the sometime workplace of one Reginald Iolanthe Perrin – possibly the finest comic creation of the 20th Century.

At Sunshine Desserts, in the office of managing director CJ, was a “flatulent” chair. You know the kind – squeaky, over-stuffed, leather-look plastic that makes an embarrassing noise every time you sit down or get up. Various acolytes (“Great”, “Super”) would squirm in this chair as CJ boomed at them the fact that he didn’t get where he was today by squirming in a flatulent chair. You get the picture.

But, as ever, life imitates art. This week in Bristol, an employment tribunal was told by Ms Susan Storer, 48, a deputy head, that it was a "regular joke" that her chair made embarrassing sounds, and that she frequently had to apologise to parents, colleagues and pupils.

She claimed that two other deputy head teachers, both male, were given new “executive-style” chairs in their offices while she was overlooked. The chair, of course, was part of a “catalogue of sexist behaviour that undermined her position”. She resigned from her £48,000-a-year post in September last year and is claiming constructive dismissal and sex discrimination. She wants … wait for it … a cool £1million for the loss of 17 years of earnings and pension.

I wonder what Reggie would have made of that?

IT’S BEEN a bumper week for scrotes, those people who aren’t politicians or public sector workers but who still manage to live off the labours of the rest of. Perhaps it’s the Festival of St Lidl, patron saint of the underclass, or something.

First up - and this is a cracker – is Mick Philpott (49) of Derby, a father of 14 who is demanding a larger house for him to share with his wife, girlfriend and eight of their children. Yep. Wife and girlfriend. Oh, and there’s another child on the way.

The fact that he’s only been on the waiting list for a month and already occupies the biggest available council property in Derby does not impress him. “They always come up with the same excuses,” Mr Philpott says of Derby City Council. “I love my country, but at the moment I feel ashamed of it. I think the country is going down the pan.”

Luckily, this country can still afford to pay the family £508 a week in benefits, so things can’t be that bad.

Enter stage left, 40-year-old Ellen Morris. She has 13 kids, claims £27,000 a year in benefits, smokes 40 cigarettes a day, and drives a Land Rover Discovery when not banned for imbibing too many of her favourite vodka and cokes.

Ms Morris was picked up by the scrote radar this week when she appeared in court for driving while disqualified, pleaded poverty to avoid a fine and also managed to get £1,800 of existing fines written off by agreeing to stay inside the court building for two hours in a token punishment.

“I’d like another couple of kids,” she said afterwards. “It’s not easy making the money stretch. They all want the latest gear and Nike trainers and I like Lacoste jumpers.”

So there we have it: The incontrovertible link between shelling out vast numbers of feral children and the amount of money they earn you, and straight from the horse’s mouth as well.

IT’S TIME to welcome back a couple of old friends. Remember Amy Crowhurst, who had her first child at the tender age of 12? Well she’s at it again, having popped out baby Destiny Renee a fortnight ago.

Amy lives with her 46-year-old mother, whose ninth and latest baby is the product of a liaison with a married Gambian man who has since flown the madhouse and gone back to his wife and kids. She’s been told that she’ll get her own council house – and her own benefits – when she turns 18. Job done, then.

Meanwhile, Miss Tracy Fulthorpe of Leeds, who featured in this coloumn back in 2004, has increased her output and accumulated 11 children. Sadly her latest child, a girl, died in a cot death incident last year. But no matter. Tracy is pregnant again and expecting a replacement in a couple of months.

According to my informant, she still smokes like a chimney and spends her spare time (apart from creating children) drinking Special Brew. Nice work if you can get it, eh?

SO WHO would win in a fight between The Wombles and The Clangers? I ask because in a poll to find the nation’s favourite children’s TV programmes, these two heavyweight contenders tied in sixth place. It seems only right and proper that they should slug it out to a proper conclusion.

I think the Wombles would have an early edge (you don’t survive on Wimbledon Common without knowing how to handle yourself), but if the Clangers called in the Soup Dragon, it would all be over by lunchtime.

O The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this website, of anyone who doesn't think that Cherie Blah murdered Humphrey, the Downing Street cat, of anyone who wasn't mesmerised by those otters taking on a crocodile in Planet Earth, or of anyone who can explain to me how my man Whittaker has managed to add a whole family of rare, black-eared marmoset monkeys to his growing menagerie. The baby penguin has quite taken to them.


Blogger The Weardale Militia said...

Nay lad, the local press in this area “The Whippet and Snatcher” has made mention of the fact that this green and pleasant land is in need of more babies. Instead of deriding these fertile young and not so young fillies we should be putting them on the honours list. If times are hard they should be able to sell or rent these honours to people who need them.
I personally cannot afford Special Brew especially at the prices in the Local Shop run by Mrs Grabitall.
Who will pay for the extra road tax on Ellen Morris’s Discovery? That was a rhetorical question because we all know that those who pay tax will be paying for it. It would be easier for the government to enable an act that gives lots of lolly to married parents with 2 children – but no more money for any children after that. Any one with more than 2 children has made a choice to do so. Think of the savings.
Will the Turkey army please find out who is running this country? Methinks it is the supermarket chains who are now demanding that poor farmers (Yes there are many of them) now reduce the average weight of a lamb by 5 kilos so the chops will package easier on those white polystyrene plates.
In closing I must add that I have one of those noisy chairs or so my wife would believe. I think a diet of faggots, mushy peas, Cumberland sausage washed down with a couple of pints of “Old Horse Sweat” may have something to do with it.
Perhaps the “whipper in” at the banned hunting meetings could sue Mr Blah and Gordy in view of the fact they have been put out of work by the touchy feely Oiks in Westminster. Nay lad that would not work they are massively in debt now and can’t even afford the Special Brew.

11:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

These people are right to reproduce at an alarming rate according to the BBC
"EU states are trying to understand why the birth rate is falling - and if anything can be done to stem the decline. All this week, the BBC News website is asking women in various countries about how they feel about being asked to have more babies, and how easy or difficult they find combining motherhood and work."
Well maybe not work.

11:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Neither Mrs CJ nor I have ever claimed constructive dismissal or produced 14 bastard children

1:56 AM  
Blogger sky_dog said...

Clangers ! Ask any matelot ! o|--)

5:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you're reduced to sniping at a dead child this week, Bazza ? I'm sure Ms. Fulthorpe would be touched by your charmless dismissal of her and her child's life.

Really, Bazza, just give up "journalism" and drink yourself to death - this sub-Littlejohn drivel is not only boring and predictable, it's also just plain nasty.

7:14 AM  
Anonymous ManofBath said...

Well I enjoy it. Anyway... what sort of name is anonymous? And what are you coming here to read Bazza's stuff for it you hate it so much?

7:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's simply easier to post anonymously on this website than it is to go through the login process. Does that answer your question ?

I do not feel I have to explain what I look at on the internet to you or anyone else.

Nobody is interested in your opinion on anything anyway, old son - you just stick to doing what you do best - posting unfunny remarks on Bazza's forum. If he ever came to sudden stop, you're head would go halfway up his arse.

7:58 AM  
Anonymous manofbath said...

MY aren't we tetchy!

8:39 AM  
Anonymous ManofBath said...

Come to think of it... how do you know so much about me and my postings? Have I posted on this site very often. I'm ponly asking as you seem to know how close I am to Barry's arse. Care to elaborate?

8:42 AM  
Anonymous Bristol Mafia said...

He is took me all of 45 seconds to use a different name. Using "Anonymous" would have cut that down by 5 seconds at least!

1:52 AM  
Anonymous Lord Flashheart said...

It's obvious that Mr. Anonymous III is one of Princess Toni's Turkey Army. He's probably spent a large proportion of his working life defending these scrotes and getting them benefits! I know far more people who have the same point of view as Bazza than agree with Mr. A III - the only reason they don't express their views is for fear of being persecuted by the T.A. The typical man-in-the-street couldn't give a toss about the loss of someone else's baby, let alone one belonging to a scrote who sponges off the rest of us! It wouldn't surprise me if the taxpayer picked up the cost of some overpriced funeral. I'd be surprised if they didn't try to get it buried in Disneyland at the taxpayers' expense in order to get yet more freebies!

The problem with Mr. A (the first)'s plan is that just producing more mouths to feed isn't what the country needs - it needs people who will pull their weight and contribute to the economy (apologies Mr. A if you, like me, enjoy being facetious). How many of Ms Fulthorpe's brood will go on to get jobs, pay tax and contribute to this great country? I'm willing to bet it'll be less than 2 of the 11 - so we, the taxpayer, get to support at least 9 of them!

The way forward for this country is to stop supporting families who choose to have more than 3 children. Beyond that number, child support should end. I read about a family who had something like 8 or 9 kids, but went to work and didn’t live off the state. These are the people that the T.A. should be rewarding. If you can cope with only benefits for 3 kids and still churn out decent, honest, human beings (i.e. someone who works for a living) then maybe a bonus could be due e.g. a guarantee that their pension would be paid out!

If the scrotes of this country produce more than the 3 allowable offspring, they should be presented with the option to either cope on their own funds, or, as is more likely to happen with these sorts, if they couldn’t afford to feed and clothe their kids whilst supporting their need for alcohol, nicotine and bingo, they should be made to surrender them to the state. There are hundreds of thousands of decent people in this country who could bring up a child in a decent environment, but are not physically capable of having their own kids. Wouldn’t it be nice if one of the political parties introduced these policies – I know they would get huge support from the working class, who pay their way. They’d also get support from those rich-types, as less of their tax would be needed to support vermin like Ms Fulthorpe.

Bazza, keep up the good work, those persecuted types rely on you to express the word of the common man. I’ll support you for PM!

11:33 AM  
Blogger BarryBeelzebub said...


"Sadly her latest child, a girl, died in a cot death incident last year. But no matter. Tracy is pregnant again and expecting a replacement in a couple of months."

Where is that "sniping at a dead child"?

Sniping at a mother who regards children as an income stream, yes ...

12:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good shout Bazza!

4:51 AM  
Blogger Sharkey said...

come on you lazy bastard where's my next fix of Bazza, I know it's Friday teatime and they're open, but get your finger out you slacker!!

9:21 AM  
Blogger Lord Flashheart said...

BTW What time zone are you in Bazza. I posted around 21:00, but it came up as 11:33?

12:22 PM  
Anonymous tc said...

What no new column, on today of all days Bazza?! Or are you off planning the spaghetti harvest?

2:22 AM  
Blogger BarryBeelzebub said...

I was on holiday on the island of Sans Serif.

10:54 AM  
Blogger Paul Linford said...

At last, someone speaks up for Reggie Perrin as the finest comic creation of the 20th century. I am always puzzled when this marvellous programme fails to show up in all those "greatest comic moments" polls.

Did you base your management technique on CJ? ;-)

3:10 AM  
Blogger BarryBeelzebub said...

Fucking hell, Linford.

The ghost of columnists past!

3:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So Ms Susan Storer (48) claims £1 million for loss of 17 years earnings? After all, there's a glut of teachers aren't there, so clearly she'll never get another job. And as a public servant she would have worked on to the age of 65? Yeah, right.

4:40 AM  
Blogger Paul Linford said...

Not a ghost I'm afraid - very much alive in fact!!

11:53 AM  
Anonymous Andrew L Phillips said...

Wonderful words my friend, I hate scrotes and the only thing I hate worse than the money grabbing, white lightning drinking bastards is the liberal twats who try to defend them.

As an artist and filmmaker I have had times when I have been out of work, out of food and even out of a place to live but I point blank refused to become a good for nothing dole boy and have always found work to support myself, no matter how shit it was.

Talentless, lazy cunts who use the state as their piggy bank should be fucking killed, especially the ones who produce 'feral offspring' to get their money.

You are absolutely in the right about the cot death woman, I knew of one state sponsored slut who let one of her children fall out of a bloody window.
(To their untimely death) She also produced another one soon after.

Andrew L Phillips

8:25 AM  

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