Friday, April 14, 2006

Creeping with the enemy

IT’S JUST before midnight and I’m crawling silently through the undergrowth wearing a balaclava, camouflage pants and black face paint

On the other side of the valley, the enemy lookout post seems quiet. But you can’t be too careful. There’s a lot at stake here.

At last I’m in position. I breathe in and pull the trigger. The spray of precious liquid showers down on the hellebores. This is how we water our gardens in Britain 2006.

Now I don’t know for a fact that old Mrs Wozniac in the house across the way is a snout for the water board, but I don’t want to take any chances. A man of my public standing doesn’t really want to be hauled through the courts and exposed as a threat to society. And 1,800 people have already been grassed up to Thames Water by their neighbours for the heinous crime of illegally using a hosepipe.

It’s not very British, is it? What would you rather do on a spring day – enjoy a glass of chilled Chardonnay in your garden, or lurk behind twitching net curtains with a video camera in case the bloke next door decides to wash his Skoda?

And so the Powers That Be find yet another way to criminalise the law-abiding middle classes. We’ve already got speed cameras on every corner, we can go to jail for smacking our kids and we’ll soon face a fine for sparking up a gasper in a public place. Now we face arrest for nurturing the narcissus. Or narcissi.

I’m not surprised that the number of Brits jetting off to Florida has dramatically declined. Given the American immigration service’s attitude to criminal records, there can’t be many of us left who can still get a visa.

ONE PERSON who doesn’t seem to have any problem jetting around the world is the Environment Secretary, Margaret Beckett. Only she chooses to do it in the planes of the Queen’s Flight, rather than endure the orange hell that is Easyjet.

It appears that in the past three years Mrs Beckett has made use of the Queen’s Flight on no fewer than 110 occasions. She is even in the habit of ordering a jet to fly up from its base at RAF Northolt to pick her up at East Midlands Airport, near her constituency, before clearing off to Brussels.

You couldn’t find a clearer example of how power can tend to corrupt than this. When Mrs Beckett first took her place in government she was, to all intents and purposes, an unpretentious caravanner whose only travel crime was to block the A38 on a Bank Holiday Monday. She is also in charge of the department that regularly lectures us on how the advent of cheap air travel is destroying the ozone layer.

Now we find that she’s clocking up the air miles faster than Richard Branson, and at public expense as well.

Of course her boss isn’t exactly shy when it comes to choosing opulence over economy. His travel log is even more impressive, with 670 Royal flights since 1997, many of them taking himself, Cherie and the kids off on another freebie holiday.

The natural stance of NuLabour when forced to admit such spendthrift behaviour is to lie until its spokesmen are blue in the face. So it was that we were reliably informed that it costs only £1,200 to use a Royal jet to get to Brussels when it would have cost £1,300 to send a party of five via Eurostar. What utter tosh.

From my very preliminary investigations (a chat with a commercial pilot in the snug of the Dog and Blunkett) I can tell you that £1,200 would just about cover the fuel involved. It takes no account of landing fees, staff costs, capital costs or depreciation. A fairer estimate would be four times that figure.

Why does nobody get angry about this bare-faced sham? Have we all grown so accustomed to being lied to that it doesn’t matter any more? No wonder our political masters look down and laugh at us as they fly overhead.

THE DEPUTY head who claimed £1million compensation because she had to sit on a “flatulent” chair has lost her case. Give thanks ... but not for long.

It emerged this week that members of just one of the six teaching unions were paid a horrendous £7.6million in compensation for assaults by pupils or for injuries sustained in the course of their duties in 2005. The mind truly boggles.

Awards included £27,000 for a teacher in London who was assaulted by a 12-year-old and £129,600 for a teacher in Preston who was injured when a brick was thrown at her head.

Now nobody would argue that these aren’t serious cases, but doesn’t the teaching profession itself have some responsibility for what appears to be a complete breakdown of discipline in the classroom?

Modern teaching methods, the abandonment of school uniform, overly-liberal attitudes and a lack of commitment to the profession by the professionals are more to blame for unruly kids than single mothers, video games and a diet of oven chips and Pot Noodles.

O The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this website, of anyone who doesn't want to punch Sayed from The Apprentice very hard in the face, of anyone who's surprised that Ruth Badger from The Apprentice is a "wearer of sensible shoes", or of the couple who sent me a wedding invitation last week and asked for money towards their honeymoon instead of a present. Sod that. I'm buying them an African goat.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The lack of school discipline is almost totally down to teachers having a complete lack of meaningful sanctions which can be imposed on miscreants. They're not even allowed to smack their own kids let alone somebody elses!

5:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bazza, why don't you just reprint the same column every week - nobody would notice as they are all the same - "NuLabour", "Turkey Army", unfunny anecdote about Whittaker, blah blah blah. Nobody cares - except for your three regulars who are too scared to come out from behind their Daily Mails to voice an opinion in the real world.

Now cue a dreary 600 word diatribe from The Weirdale Militia - "Nay Lad ..."

Actually, just f*ck off, mate.

9:01 AM  
Blogger Lee said...

Ohh, you have definitely done something write this week. I spot an anonymous little liberal with his knickers all in a twist.

Its not the column thats the same every week. Its life. Same old culprits doing the same old thing. If you want something different, you would have to "shoot to kill" every liberal in the world. Including yourself "anonymous".

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TO: Anonymous Fuckwit

Why don't you just go somewhere else and annoy them instead? You're nothing but a nasty little left-wing troll. Now piss off before I get angry!

10:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yead, too right, Lee- same culprits, same bollocks, but I don't see anything liberal about this damned government. Liberal in name only, same as they're labour in name only.

True, the liberal namby-pambys have destroyed the social fabric of this country- but so has 20+ years of Thatcherite economics. If only they'd one day even attempt to strike a balance between common sense and expediency. But too many jobs (i.e their own) are at stake. Britain's new growth industry is the manufacture of regurgitated US political and social theories- political correctness, anyone?

Bazza wouldn't be able to write about it if it wasn't an all too common occurrence.

5:19 PM  
Blogger BarryBeelzebub said...

I've never understood why people who don't like this stuff keep coming back to read it.

I hate the Daily Express, but I don't buy a copy and then write to them complaining about it.

It's simple - if you don't like it, don't click that mouse.

6:55 AM  
Blogger Lee said...

People read this stuff then moan about it in an effort to obstruct and cause annoyance. Dont forget obstruction and annoyance are the two key ambitions of a leftists life.

8:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Quite right Bazza - if they don't like it don't fucking visit.

11:25 PM  
Anonymous Steve B said...

How exciting an Anonymous idiot to amuse us all!

Hmmm bit touchy aren't you? Couldn't be anything to do with the fact that Bazza's writings hit their target???

Cheers for confirming that we are right and you are part of the problem!

3:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bazza, if you can't take it, don't dish it out.

If I had to pay to read your columns, then obviously I wouldn't (or would anyone else for that matter), so your Daily Express analogy doesn't really work. If I want to comment on your piss-poor "journalism", I am perfectly at liberty to do so. You are clearly courting controversy, so I have no idea why you whine when people disagree with you.

Although it's none of anybodies business, I'm not liberal, middle class or a public sector worker. I'm not even one of those "ethnics".

4:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In that case it must be personal. You're not someone who's run foul of Bazza in a professional setting, are you? Former employee perhaps? Aggrieved colleague? Tell us more.

6:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think we should give Anonymous his own little box so we can slag off the ponce!!!

1:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It'll be that Scotch bloke what works in Germany. The one who was bright enough to send his work phone number attached to an abusive email and so was suitably humiliated by Bazza.

2:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He's probably been at the schnapps!

8:43 AM  
Anonymous Mark T said...

I was going to point out that the same teachers' unions are still blaming Thatcher even though she retired before any of their pupils were actually born. I was also going to say that a lot of people are angry but have nowhere to express it. But then good old anonymous comes along... I expect they actually write a brilliant, incisive and consistently witty blog somewhere and are thus eminently qualified to comment on Barry. Either that or they are one of those people who criticises others but are totally without talent themselves. I wonder which one it is?

9:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Now cue a dreary 600 word diatribe from The Weirdale Militia - "Nay Lad ..."

Actually, just f*ck off, mate."

Actually, I think the keyword here is mate. Why would this ar*e refer to Barry as "mate". There's more here than meets the eye.

12:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can see how conspiracy theories get started now.

You lot really need to get out more.

3:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoah!! You boys are really going at it on this one, aren't you? for starters, I can confirm that I am none of the anon bloggers writing on this topic thus far. The second anon blogger is missing the point and is as unpleasant in his views as the Daily Mail [and Bazza] he vilifies. The point he's missing is that WHATEVER your politics, Baz makes some relevant comments and is genuinely funny in doing so - whether you like Whittaker or not!!! I confess to holding socialist views - or at least I did have until a certain Mr Bliar came to power. And that is the nub of the country's collective malaise - Bliar and his fellow sycophants and apparatchiks have lied consistently to all the rest of us poor sods, and have turned me personally against his party and his politics for good. Anyone who lies to get us to go to war [amongst many other things]will never get my vote again - always assuming I don't meantime vote with my feet and leave UK permanently. The only thing left here of any substance seems to be the Monarchy - can you imagine what life would be like with an unspeakable little toad like Bliar as "President for Life"???

3:18 AM  
Anonymous Bristol Mafia said...

"like Whittaker "

Now there is a contradiction....!!

2:15 AM  

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