Sunday, June 11, 2006

Fluttering flags and killer cake

IN THESE difficult days of international terrorism, it is important that we are eternally vigilant.

So what if it takes 450 policemen, assorted spooks and a helicopter to arrest two young brothers who’d raided the dressing-up box before going out to a demo? You just never know where the next suicide bomber or chemical attack is coming from.

So congratulations then to Age Concern, managers of a daycare centre in Barnstaple, for averting a potentially fatal incident by banning Mrs Elanie Richards, a retired district nurse and Women’s Institute member, from bringing in a home made cake when she visited an elderly friend.

The suspect Madeira was excluded on health and safety grounds because its ingredients were unknown and it could have wiped out the entire resident’s lounge. Shop-bought cakes, however, are allowed.

Let’s examine this a little closer. The “killer” cake contained flour, unsalted butter, sugar, free range eggs and grated lemon rind. A shop-bought equivalent would contain all of the above, plus E475, E100, E106b, E471, E475, E450, E500, E170 … I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point.

As ever, a mealy-mouthed jobsworth is wheeled out to try to justify the stupidity of the decision. Step forward, Andrea Scott, regional director of Age Concern: “We don’t know where these cakes come from but if something went wrong then we could be sued. If I let one person do this, it will open the floodgates.”

Like the floodgates reference, Andrea. I now have this vision of a Devon care home gradually being buried beneath a mountain of malevolent Maderia.

I SUPPOSE that if we’re no longer going to let them eat cake, we may as well make old people thoroughly miserable by taking away their televisions as well. That’ll give them something to moan about in the queue snaking round the Post Office.

It has emerged that thousands of short-stay care home residents are being pursued for the full £131.50 licence fee if they have a television in their rooms. Now while long-term residents are charged a fee of £5 a year and over-75s don’t have to pay at all, the BBC’s legalised muggers have decided that thanks to a loophole in the legislation, they can now extort the full amount from the frail and sick.

Ironically, the news comes in the same week as the announcement that millionaire BBC chairman Michael Grade is to pocket a £60,000 pay rise for taking charge of the BBC Trust, a new set-up that will replace the board of governors. This will take Mr Grade’s salary to £140,000 a year for a four-day week. Not bad if you can get it.

The back of the fag packet tells me that this is around £122.81 an hour or, in simple terms, near enough one household’s licence fee for every 60 minutes spent discussing last night’s Celebrity Karaoke Cooking On Ice over tea and biscuits. And probably enough to pay the licence fees of all those short-term patients in care homes …

MORE FLAG news: as World Cup fever spreads, the politically correct tie themselves in knots in their pathetic attempts to stamp out this rampant patriotism. Police in Hampshire have warned (with straight faces as well) that car flags could easily generate a “loud flutter” which might scare wildlife and cause horses to bolt – a major consideration, I’m sure, in downtown Portsmouth.

Meanwhile Tesco have been forced into a humiliating climbdown over their ban on delivery drivers carrying flags on their vehicles after it was gently pointed out to them that Tesco stores were currently full of … England flags.

Of course, nowhere is the snobbery over the flying of the Cross of St George more apparent than in the pages of The Guardian. As far as their readers are concerned, we’re all closet racists who are using the World Cup as a cover to plot the forced repatriation of the bloke from the corner shop.

Nice then to see a dose of reality on the letters page, the usual hang-out of smart arse Lefties. Replying to one correspondent from Surrey , who had sneeringly asked where he might obtain an Argentinian flag for his car window, Steve Ridgeway from Macclesfield writes: “Daniel Adler is in luck. I have three, all of them liberated in a place called Goose Green back in 1982. I look forward to the mirth it will produce in Farnham.”

That’s telling them, pal.

DROUGHT UPDATE: It’s stopped raining at last. Meanwhile Sutton and East Surrey Water Board has threatened circus owner Martin Burton with a fine of up to £5,000 if he doesn’t stop his troupe of clowns throwing water about in their act. The ban at Zippo’s Circus covers water in buckets, water pistols and even squirting plastic flowers.

I’m not sure if there was an official statement warning about “opening the floodgates”, but if there wasn’t, there should have been. Send in the clowns, indeed.

AND FINALLY, a man who obsessively stole eggs from birds’ nests to the point that the RSPB described him as “public enemy number one” has died.

Colin Watson fell 30ft out of a tree while trying to reach a sparrowhawk’s nest in Yorkshire. Sometimes, just sometimes, you think that there might be a God after all.

O The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this website, of anyone who knows where I can get a bet on Ruth Archer playing hide the sausage with Sam the cowman while David is away (trust me on this one), of anyone who really believes that the Big Brother Kit Kat draw was entirely random (winner - another woman with big tits), or of anyone who didn't have a barbecue at the weekend. No wonder there's a chicken drumstick-sized hole in the ozone layer.


Blogger Lord Elpus said...

Perhaps they were worried the home-made cake would have a file in it, and the old dear would be able to escape from the "care" home..?

3:08 AM  
Blogger Albert Tatlock said...

They should be allowed to give the old oxygen thieves a bit of cake.

10:54 AM  
Blogger frogspawn said...

The Kilburn Times for 31 May 06 has a story about Zippo's Circus. Apparently "wet weather has forced a change of venue on Zippo's Circus."

12:35 AM  
Anonymous tc said...

'ere Baz, this TV licence lark: I was wondering who pays the licence fee for the big screens that have been put up to show the world cup matches? I understand many of these are operated by the BBC - are they paying?

3:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get back to baiting the porridge wogs, that's much better fun !

8:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get it right fucking up you English shitebag.

12:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kiddy fiddlers the lot of them!

12:18 PM  
Blogger BarryBeelzebub said...

Who? Clowns or Porridge Wogs?

4:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clowns, Porridge Wogs....

What's the difference?

6:57 AM  
Blogger Tony B.Liar said...

Deary me,

The quality of the exchanges really is heading to the gutter, isn't it? Nobel prize for literature to the latest anon blogger who uttered the immortal words "Get it right fucking up you English shitebag." Marvellous prose old chap - what do you do for an encore???

Pip Pip!

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The English!

10:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll tell ye the difference - a clown would never be seen dead in a nice frock!

2:29 AM  
Anonymous Peter C said...

Anonymous said - "Get back to baiting the porridge wogs, that's much better fun !"

Oh alright, I give in.

Scotch people are all a bunch of cunts.

Does that soothe you little ginger-pubed soul?

4:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pip Pip ya wee English poof!

7:28 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Can anyone out there recommend a treatment for Tourette's??

Pip pip

8:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yip - choke an Englishman.

10:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hadrian had the right idea

2:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Butcher Cumberland had a better one.

5:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hardrian was a tali tim and Cumberland liked it up the spam fritter.

7:35 AM  

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