Friday, June 23, 2006

Reclaiming an age of innocence


WHEN THEY come to judge the reasons for the complete breakdown of British society in a 2025 show trial, they should call as evidence The Dangerous Book For Boys.

(Yes, I’ve managed to get down from that tree, thank you.)

Not because it has contributed in any way to the disintegration of life as we knew it, but because the very fact that it was published six years into the new Millennium tells us an awful lot about the innocence we have lost.

If you are unfamiliar with this best-selling tome, its premise is simple: a compendium of 100 or so subjects that boys should know about, from “Making A Bow And Arrow” to “Five Knots Every Boy Should Know”. There are useful Latin phrases, historical chapters on the British Empire and The Romans, “A Brief History Of Artillery” and the essential “Hunting And Cooking a Rabbit”.

It is a work of simple brilliance, tapping into the lost youth of 40-something fathers while hopefully tempting obese 10-year-olds away from their computer games and out into the fresh air. I mean, who could resist skimming stones or making secret ink; building a tree house or learning to play poker?

Open it up and William and his gang of Outlaws spring to life. Every pocket contains a conker, a fluff-encrusted Olde English Spangle and a penknife – used, in this instance, for removing stones from horses’ hooves, rather than disembowelling an annoying schoolmate.

It’s even educational, with sections on Grammar (remember that?) and “Five Poems Every Boy Should Know”. There’s a breathless hush in the Close tonight, Ten to make and the match to win, A bumping pitch and a blinding light, An hour to play and the last man in.

Why have we lost the combination of imagination and adventure that sustained many of us through our youth? When did we lose the ability to pass on those social skills to our children? Why are they fat and feckless, while we were lean and lively?

True, times have changed. These days a paedophile lurks in every bush when in our day it was just Barmy John, the willy-waving roundabout rider, who we instinctively knew to stay away from. Try to build a Go-Cart today and you hit an immediate problem – there are no prams from which you might steal the wheels. Everyone’s got one of these ludicrous four-wheel-drive, six-position, leather-seated, £500 baby buggies. With a CD player.

Make your own catapult and an Armed Response Unit will soon have you pinned down behind the swings; experimenting with timers and tripwires will have Special Branch storming up your stairs at six in the morning (even if you don’t have £38,000 in used fivers in the cellar); tanning a skin is likely to upset your lentil-eating sister if it doesn’t involve the local beauty salon. And then there’s the thorny topic of girls.

The Dangerous Book For Boys , clearly recognising the intense difficulty of the subject, is cautious in its advice. Don’t tell them rude jokes, don’t be vulgar (e.g. excessive bottom burps) and make sure your nails are clean. An innocent age indeed, especially when the object of one’s desire has probably got tattoos, multiple piercings and a thong by the age of 11.

WHEN I’M lying in my hospital bed, what would I rather see? An impressive array of hi-tech equipment being used by well-trained professionals, or a 9ft multi-coloured sculpture of a rock climber? It’s not a difficult question, is it?

Yet Hammersmith Hospitals NHS Trust has decided to fork out an incredible £50,000 on the aforementioned sculpture on the spurious grounds that the artwork will improve the hospital’s environment and assist in the recovery of patients.

If the Trust was awash with cash, like some of our obscenely rich animal charities that struggle to spend the millions bequeathed to them by mad old ladies, perhaps such indulgence could be forgiven. But this particular organisation is an impressive £37million in debt. To blow the cost of 12 kidney operations or the salaries of two nurses on such an indulgence therefore seems a little perverse.

But what do I know. I’m just one of the mugs who funds such stupidity through my ever-increasing taxes.

CAN ANYONE explain to me why Baden Baden is full of footballer’s wives and girlfriends? What possible purpose are they serving out there, other than to disrupt and deflect the attention of our players from more important matters at hand?

These are high-maintenance women, more Lynda Snell than Clarrie Grundy. It can’t be easy learning how to defend a near-post corner (something most of us mastered in junior school) when you’ve got a whining wife perpetually on your mobile droning on about spray tans, hair extensions and Nancy Del Olive Oil’s suspiciously prominent Adam’s apple.

You can bet that Ecuador aren’t suffering from the same distractions. I only hope that Sven’s tactical masterplan of selecting a strike force consisting of a circus freak, a little boy and two near cripples is enough to see us through.

I REDISCOVERED the long-lost joys of oxtail soup the other day. It’s meat, only in a cup. What a fantastic invention. No wonder the sun never sets on the British Empire.

O The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this website, of anyone who was accidentally exposed to Tony Woodcock's "German porn star" hairstyle the other night, of anyone who doesn't want Ghana to thump Brazil, or of anyone not genuinely upset because a huge windfarm off the Norwegian coast has minced up this year's entire stock of white eagle chicks. Why can't the tree-hugging bastards just go nuclear like us?

75 Comments:

Blogger The Gorse Fox said...

The Gorse Fox blames it all on the Health & Safety Executive, ambulance-chasing lawyers, litigious and vexatious claimants and petrified councils who's answer to any possible Risk is to ban it.

1:28 AM  
Blogger Albert Tatlock said...

Super stuff Bazza, I knew you were capable of it.

1:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A marvelous read this week, top drawer. Thus far no scottish tourettes sufferers either.

5:03 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Your comment about there being a paedophile on every street corner is a tad mis-judged - the level of paedophile activity hasn't changed that much in over thirty years, but it's the media hysteria in today's world which gives the gullible public the perception that there are more of them about.

I blame the Dirty Digger, that Kelvin bloke and the current carrot-topped vixen.

5:32 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Nice one, Baz. You are right on the money again - and for what it's worth, I also blame the Dirty Digger and his ilk for many of the ills of our so-called "society". Maybe even Thatcher was right - there IS no such thing as society, at least not in Bliar's nanny state wonderland. And it will only get worse if [hopefully not WHEN] we are all ruled by yet another sour-faced Jock!!

Pip pip!

6:26 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

p.s.

You'd think that after about 14 years, our beloved Presidente Bliar wouldn't have the nerve to announce yet again that "Justice needs rebalancing in favour of the victim rather than the criminal" would you??

Cheers and trebles all round - let's have another Nu Labour "initiative" to tackle crime [yet again]!!

6:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best thing B.lair can do is ban his bleeding wife and her ilk from representing all the dross of society and claiming they have rights. You have rights until you commit a crime. Then shut up and put up while your locked away.

6:41 AM  
Anonymous Mike Davies said...

Chris "the level of paedophile activity hasn't changed that much in over thirty years"
- of course it has. Paedophile activity such as looking at child porn on the internet didn't exist 30 years ago, thousands of men each year are now convicted of this sort of offence.
30 years ago they wouldn't have done anything as they aren't the sort to actually abuse kids themselves.

7:07 AM  
Blogger BarryBeelzebub said...

My point about paedophiles, obviously not made sufficiently well, is that they've always been around. It's just in the last 10 years that they've been identified as a justifiable media target.

2:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I fucking knew it - you English bastards just can't keep your gobs shut for a minute. There was me trying very hard not to get involved in any argy bargying and at least two of you have a dig at Scotland again. Wankers!
I notice that you all like talking about beasts though, could be something in that.

2:46 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

The ideal cure for society's problems re: health and safety and the morons it tends to breed is to simply remove the warning stickers from everything.

The problem will solve itself, evolution and natural selection working beautifully.

For the benefit of our Scottish friends: I think you take it all too personally. The English aren't truly anti-Scots, but can you say that the opposite is true?

Paedophiles? Does internet paedophilia exist because the "market" was already there, or does the presence of internet paedophilia create more perverts? I suspect the former, myself.

Great work, Bazza. For my own part, I'm having great difficulty getting UP a damned tree.

3:43 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

I doubted it would be long before wee Jimmy McTourette resurfaced with a few choice expletives. Tiresome, isn't he?

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

England football fans in Germany have been warned they may be kept in custody until after Sunday's match against Ecuador if they are arrested.

German police are already holding 122 England fans arrested in Stuttgart after fights started on Friday night.

Every case will be heard by a judge and must first be processed by police, meaning the fans may miss the game.

Police had tried to move a group of drunken fans in the main square on Friday night who were said to have been singing songs insulting to Germans and other nationalities.

But the group refused to disperse and some threw bottles and chairs, as well as singing racist chants. One man has been charged with assault, after allegedly throwing a chair which hit a Tunisia fan.

Assistant Chief Constable Stephen Thomas, who is in charge of the British police officers in Germany for the World Cup, said the decision to make arrests was taken after consultation with his counterparts in Stuttgart.
"Rather than stand there all night with abusive and drunken people, it was decided arrests should be made," he said.
"It wouldn't be tolerated in the UK or Germany and that's what happened."
The arrests on Friday night and in the early hours of Saturday more than doubled the number of UK citizens held so far during the World Cup.

WOW! Suddenly they are UK citizens and not England fans.

9:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not as tiring as Tony B.liar - wee English faggot

9:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to SCOTLAND to see if SCOTS had the same phone. He arrived in SCOTLAND, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 pence per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in SCOTLAND now, son - it's a local call".

9:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A Porridge Wog trying to keep his mouth shut?! Do me a favour. The only time u wankers are ever quiet is when Braveheart is playing: when William Wallace is being hung, drawn and quartered. Speaking of which, that film is shite anyway, totally historically inaccurate and Wallace never got close to the French princess, it was the head of the English Guards! Sir Roger M. Plus Edward 1st died several years after the ‘freedumb’ jock was executed. (Sorry to upset you jocks but that film is about as real as a porridge wog who gives money to charity). But before Uncle Barry deletes this, I must admit, Rob Roy is a fantastic film.

7:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But he still gave you English tossers a good doing. You all seem to have trouble in getting to grips with that just like the fact that you are going out of the World Cup.

10:35 PM  
Blogger Kiwitrader said...

Of course the paedophiles always existed. Every catholic choir boy knows that!!
People kept their mouths shut back then! (pun not intended)

AND the internet is not to blame!! The Bill should be chasing / closing down internet sites, and not joining chat rooms pretending to be keen and then arresting one prat who believed what was said.

I guess I am one of the lucky ones.
I wouldn't know a paedophile if I saw his arse sticking out of a pram!!

Sorry Low Blow
(Ugh Pun again?)

10:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q: Did you hear about the thalidomide pornstar?
A: He had an arm like a baby’s cock.

3:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A convicted paedophile pictured apparently filming young girls in a park has been arrested for breaching the terms of his release on licence.

Vincent Graham, 59, was sentenced to 10 years in prison in March 2001, later reduced to eight years on appeal. He was released on 15 July 2005.

Graham, from Guildford, was arrested on Sunday in response to a report from the Probation Service, Surrey Police said they also said he's not from Scotland - he's English.

1:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Woman killed and dumped in ditch
A woman whose naked body has been found in a roadside ditch in the East Riding had been strangled, police have said they also said thank godness she never had an England football strip on.

1:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm angry and fed up. This country has gone soft and by country I mean the whole of the British Isles. Cut the crap and get out there and do something - positive.

4:38 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

I'm angry and fed up. This country has gone soft and by country I mean the whole of the British Isles. Cut the crap and get out there and do something - positive.
Anonymous

You're not alone there. The hard bit is defining "positive" and combining it with "effective". One thing's for sure- the Party Political crowd are no answer, they're too far removed from reality as too many see it, and are too ambitious and greedy to do anything to rock their career boat.

I think a total change in the general population's thinking is what we need. Many people these days call themselves patriots, yet the population in general has hardly anything in common with those from, say, 50 years ago. Morality etc was something they had, we've lost, and we've lost it because we've been encouraged to lose it. (It suits big business to have a stupid, hysterical, hypocritical and greedy population). What politicians etc fear most is a moral, clever and clued up population.

9:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When you are moral, clever and clued up people treat you as if you are the one that is in the wrong......

1:31 PM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

The recent posts from "Black Dog" brought a welcome return to intellectual debate and thoughtful comment. It was much appreciated after the usual Tourette's outbursts from our Northern tribes and some tasteless and appalling jokes like the "Thalidomide" one.
You are right, we are run [led by the nose more like] by a political elite in hoc to big business [Tesco, McDonalds, etc etc] whose only objective is to feather their own nests.
Just take a look at Bliar's mortgage and his wife's hairdos if you need a better illustration. And when it comes to MPs pay, perks and pensions - well, turkeys don't vote for Christmas do they, so why on earth would they vote against their massive pay hikes? There are so many things to take issue with, it's not easy to know where to start; perhaps we need a radical new approach to politics in this country - Swiss-style local referenda maybe??
Doubtless Jimmy McTourette will object and throw a few "wanker" and "wee English Poof" choice comments into the debate? Brace yourselves!!

11:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony B.liar just can't shut his yap can he? Everything is going smoothly till he starts it all off again. Do us all a favour and keep your mouth shut after all its hardly "intellectual debate" when you come away with degratory racist comments.

11:19 PM  
Anonymous t said...

Great! Wee Jimmy McTourette is as predictable as ever! Sorry if my allegedly "degratory" comments were too much for your feeble brain old lad, you should try a dictionary [they're the books with lots and lots of words, by the way]. Can't quite figure out what was "racist" about my thoughts, though, but perhaps you'll let us all know: are you a black Jimmy McTourette perchance???

11:44 PM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Jimmy, the last posting was from me, just in case you missed the point!!

Pip pip!

11:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SCOTTISH HUMOUR


Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised

already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,
the minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in

that!

"And what's the tartan?"
Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

3:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck off ya English faggot fuck!

4:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jock, if you can't speak your own language, don't abuse ours.

Away now, small boy!

5:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just to prove that the English can swear as well as the Scots, her's a little story for Wee Jimmy McTourette [on second thoughts, maybe the pianist is Scottish?!!!]


Tourette's Syndrome

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street, he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window:
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
''Fucking get in there you cunt!'' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
''Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wankhole please you cunt'', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes downstairs.
''Can I help you sir?'' he says
''Yes you can, you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.''
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled manager cries, ''Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?''
''That song was called 'Excuse me prime minister, but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunt's blind...' ''
''Oh'' says the manager ''err, can you play me another. Something a little less.... 'lively' ?''.
''Wanker!'' interjects the pianist, before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. Through his salty teardrops, the manager asks him the title.
''That little number was called, 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit box you get crap on your bell end.' ''
''I see'', says the manager, ''Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?''
''Well there's my jazz number, "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic
"I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
''Look'' says the manager interrupting, ''I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little 'racy'. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.''
''Fuck it'' says the pianist ''Why not''.
On his first night, everything is going superbly: the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings and her panties, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval, the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bogs and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing, when the blonde approaches him.
''Hi'' she says.
''Hello'' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, ''Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?''

''Know it?'' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently. ''I fucking wrote it!!!''

6:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bit too subtle for our mentally-challenged Jockoe friends that'n. Reet over their heeeds, Aye!

8:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get it right fucking up you - shower of English wankers!

11:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I used to love the debates on this site until (1) Mr Anonymous started taking the piss out of Scots in a childlike manner and then (2) Mr Anonymous number two started biting.

Can`t you all just leave it alone. I have lived in Scotland (although English) for 15 years, now back in England (Bristol) and let me tell you - both nations are exactly the same there is nothing to separate us, in fact both nations need each other in every way - if you disagree then just remember than two voices are louder than one against those muppets who control is in Europe.

So can we leave it be now with all the piss taking and get back to the issues at hand, namely sorting this darn country out.

Keep the jokes coming though... I think they`re hysterical.

3:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Andy Murray, the miserable foul-mouthed North British tennis player, is supporting anyone but England in the World Cup. Let's make sure we all return the favour by supporting anyone but Murray at Wimbledon.

11:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When we were not tormenting and taking the piss out of each other there was about 5 or 6 comments now we are up to about 37 so if all you want is intellectual stimulation there are some very high-brow sites.

A man stops to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my slippers for me?"
The man goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

1:33 AM  
Blogger Albert Tatlock said...

A boy in second year at school comes home one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mum. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

1:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Murray wins he's be English, mate! If he makes the final, he's British but if he kops out, then he'll remain a Jockoe.

2:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another Joke that can be adapted to suit different ethnic groups.
An Aussie a Kiwi and a South African are having a beer together by the campfire. The Kiwi finishes his beer throws the bottle in the air , pulls out a gun and blows it to pieces, He says in NZ we have som much sand to make glass, i never drink from the same bottle twice.
Next round the South African finishes his beer and does exactly the same , and comments that in South Africa they are so rich he never drinks from the same bottle twice.
Any way the Aussie finishes his beer throws the bottle in the air and shoots the Kiwi and the South African.
And comments I live in Perth and we have so many Fucking Kiwis and South Africans i dont have to drink with the same ones twice.

Hope out Porridge Wog friends can adapt it to suit.

4:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are coming home - laughing like fuck!

4:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Porridge wogs are pishing themselves - 'cmon the Portugal!

4:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rooney is a wank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Fucking stuffed!

4:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll stand on your baws and get sent off for pushing my teammate - my name is wanker Rooney.

5:01 PM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Hey Bazza,

Could you ask your server if there is a possibility of installing a "Scottish Filter" to screen out the Tourette's sufferers from 'oop North??? Their reaction to the disappointment of our World Cup exit was of course entirely predictable and expected.

Jack McConnell, their "First Minister" in the "Scottish Parliament" said he didn't care who wins the World Cup "as long as it's not England". After £350 million spent on his Parliament building [and God knows how much on keeping them all there making laws which we stupid English have no say in] he should perhaps learn a little humility, gratitude and diplomacy. If he hates the English so much he should keep his mouth shut. With 8.5% of the UK population yet 26% of the UK cabinet, he might like to reflect on just how sour and fed up the English people are getting of being ruled by Messrs Bliar and Brown and paying through the nose for the Scots and their antics. They have voted themselves free University tuition and free care for the elderly [amongst other perks that we are paying for], yet Messrs Bliar and Brown [the 5th Column] see no contradiction in this, nor in the fact that Scottish MPs vote on OUR domestic affairs but we are allowed no say in theirs!

And just when we thought that they are all lovely chaps really and were all throwing our full support behind Andy Murray at Wimbledon, we find he's every bit as nationalistic and xenophobic as the rest of his cousins! We learn that the miserable foul-mouthed tennis player is also supporting anyone but England in the World Cup, yet I'm sure that this spoilt little boy wants us to support him at Wimbledon - despite his views. That is his prerogative of course, but he might like to also reflect on keeping his mouth shut [especially during a major tournament] and perhaps take some lessons in PR. So, let's make sure we all return the favour by supporting anyone but Murray at Wimbledon,eh?



With people like Murray, McConnell, Bliar and Brown around, one could be forgiven for thinking that the Scottish nation does not want to be part of the UK any longer and that perhaps Mr Salmond and his Scot Nats should be given their wish and have full independence for their nation from the people they despise so much??

12:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FIFA should install a fanny filter so Rooney would not get to the World Cup.
Noticed the commentator managed to mention 1966 before the game even kicked off, a fanny filter for him as well.

9:10 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

It's a strange thing, this relatively new found dislike of the Scots.

Why are the English so surprised that the Scots etc did not support England for the world cup? Anyone who knows anything about Scotsmen knows that they'd be happiest if the England Team's plane blew up on the runway before it even left here.

Like most racism, this anti-Englishness is outdated, yet pretty much ingrained at an early age. Most Scots hate the English, but can't really say why, apart from a highly selective view of history where, paradoxically, they managed to be victims of English aggression whilst at the same time could apparently beat them with ease.

This really shouldn't come as a surprise.

Personally, I usually get on with the Scots, but it does rankle when they appear to tar the whole of England and all Englishmen with the same brush.

I don't mind someone being moderately proud of their country, and let's not forget the 80's and early 90's when it was positively trendy to NOT want to be English. But I dislike rampant flag waving and petty nationalism, and I suspect others do, too. Yet this is what many are like in Scotland and Wales: if we don't like it, then perhaps we shouldn't emulate it.

Most Scots don't know or won't admit that the Union with England was something some Scots wanted: it was, in fact, one of the conditions of allowing King James I (VI of Scotland) to become king of England, too, although the actual Act of Union didn't happen until over 100 years later, in 1707. Most Scots who voted for the Union did so because of promises of English subsidies and open trading links. Many English who opposed the Act did so because they saw Scotland as a liability.... but also feared Scottish collusion with the French if the act didn't go through.

The truth of the matter is that whatever reasons the Scots had for emnity went on a long time ago. And both English and Scots have suffered at each other's hands. Imagine if the English- or British in general - were still holding WW2 against the Germans. Surely it'd be seen as childish?

4:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just checking out Wimbers if you don't cheer on good old British Andy Murray who will you be supporting because it won't be Tim Henman or Greg Rusedski (good old English name that) will it?

10:55 PM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

At last, some sensible comments and reasoned debate, especially from "Black Dog". [Well said old chap, whoever you are - at least you are not 'Anonymous' and suffering from Tourettes!]

It would ssem to even the most disinterested observer that the Scots have a massive collective inferiority complex and an antipathy to the English because the Act of Union was forced on them after they were defeated on the battlefield. It's therefore interesting if one reflects on the fact that the English nation has been conquered by so many invaders over the years. The Romans, the Vikings, the Saxons, the French [to name a few] have all raped and pillaged their way across the land and left plenty of DNA, yet this is now "us" and we are completely relaxed about these nations today. You will very rarely hear any English native expressing negative or xenophobic views about the Italians or the Norwegians - rather the contrary in fact. And when it comes to the French, I think that most people are pretty relaxed about them too, liking them for their idiosyncrasies, loving them for their food and their culture, and only a few disliking them for their perceived arrogance and nationalism. The Scots in particular adore the French because of the "auld alliance", and because they perceive that the French hate the English and vice versa. In their view this is very clever logic.
Yet the Scots seem to have a permanent chip on their shoulders, and despite reaping all the benefits of the Union with the other parts of the UK, continually snipe, criticise and want more, feeling themselves short-changed and hard done by. This collective paranoid xenophobia is more than just irritating - its extremely bad for the country and reflects very negatively on their character and psyche as a people. If they don't want to be part of the UK any more, then I for one would respect their democratic wishes. All they have to do is vote for Mr Salmond!!! Don't forget that it was my alter ego , Mr Bliar, who had the brilliant idea of devolved power - and look at the state of things now!

12:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony B.liar having yet another dig at the Scots, give us all a break Tony you are becoming repetative, boring and a trifle irksome.

3:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every cunt has got to keep their mouth shut apart form Tony B.lair - get yersel tae fuck fanny baws!

3:21 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Apologies for "becoming repetitive boring and irksome", first Anon. "If the cap fits" and all that.

As far as Jimmy McT's usual outburst, there's a super website which might give some relief - www.tourettescotland.org. You might also like to give a donation online or join one of their support groups so that you can swear at each other all day long?? The website is very informative, by the way - the home page particularly so:
---------------------------------
Welcome to the Tourette Scotland website!

Tourette Scotland is a registered charity (Scottish Charity No. SCO21851), who aim to:

Provide advice and support for children and adults with TS and everyone involved in their lives
Bring together individuals with TS and associated disorders, in order to share information
Produce newsletters, advice sheets and leaflets
Raise awareness amongst public and professionals in Scotland
Provide a telephone help line for information
Arrange informal meetings biannually with guest speakers
Tourette Syndrome
Is named after the Doctor who first identified it in 1825
Is an hereditary genetic illness caused by chemicals not working properly in a small area of the brain
Is not contagious
Does not mean you are stupid or disabled
Sufferers are often misunderstood or rejected
Has no known cure... ...but research continues
People with TS can sometimes have no control over:
Making noises like grunting, coughing or barking
Twitching their face, eyes, nose or mouth
Nodding or jerking their head, neck or limbs
Having bad temper outbursts
Saying things that sound rude or unpleasant (only affects a small percentage of sufferers)
Doctors have tried to explain how it must feel to have TS:
Do not allow yourself to touch or scratch any part of your body for the next hour
You eventually have to, don't you?
This is how impossible it is thought to be for TS sufferers to control or stop their noises or twitches.Not easy, is it?
--------------------------------

4:14 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

Thanks for the kind comments, Tony B.Liar.

No-one has suffered more at the hands of the English than the English themselves. Scottish resentment of the "Southron" is way outdated and yet is perpetuated despite periods of Anglophilia. The English, too, have admired Scotland and the Scots. I believe that such petty resentments such as we see today are purely a way of exaggerating one's "Scottishness": by stating how much you hate the English, you are also stating just how Scottish you are. Surely there are better ways? Surely Scots have far more to be proud of- and want to be known for more than just being anti-English?

The truth is, the two countries have been more or less interdependent for centuries. Malcolm Canmore gained his throne thanks to the English earl, Siward. Our current Royal family only has ties with the Anglo-Saxons due a Scottish connection. (Malcolm Canmore married Margaret, grand niece of Edward the Confessor, and their daughter, Eadgythu, married the Norman, Henry I). Sorry to those who hate history.

It may truthfully be said that Scotland suffered by having the English as a neighbour- but many times in history show that England rightfully distrusted Scotland as a security threat.

But that's all in the distant past, and I feel sorry for people who stand weeping at Colloden (I've seen it), and vowing revenge whilst carefully forgetting atrocities commited by their own side. There's not much to be proud about on either side.

Alex Salmond said today on the radio that FULL independence for both countries would be the best solution- and he also accepted that like it or not, we're neighbours, and emnity will do no-one any good.

England may be a sinking ship, but Scotland will also sink without her.

Flag waving, nationalism and false pride mean nothing if you have nothing else, either.

A few years ago, I lived in North Wales, and many people are the same there: it's the English's fault if it rains. People who thought you were OK instantly changed their minds when they found you were English. They thought that all the English did was plot and plan on how to do the Welsh down, and explaining that 90% of Englishmen are at worst indifferent towards them achieved nothing at all.

In the face of such Celtic hostility, independence (full independence) is the only answer. Then they can't blame us. Mind you, the only reason Scotland or Wales would want independence is because they think the EU will bail them out.

It is good that the English are finally waking up to the reality that our Celtic cousins don't like us much, but lets not emulate them.

1:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony you are becoming repetative, boring and a trifle irksome.

2:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony you are becoming repetative, boring and a trifle irksome.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony you are becoming repetative, boring and a trifle irksome.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony you are becoming repetative, boring and a trifle irksome.

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well that's Murray out of Wimbledon faster than Rooney left the field. The young Jock's all mouth and no trousers (geddit?).

1:49 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

The only people "becoming repetative [sp.?] boring and a trifle irksome" are those Anon bloggers who don't have the courtesy or the bottle to identify themselves!

A bit rich accusing me of being repetitive when you seem to think that repeating the same blog 5 times makes your point of view more interesting!!

Anyhow, Bazza started all this off with his references to "Porridge Wogs" in case you had forgotten, but judging by the quality of debate [yours included, Mr Anon repeater] the Scots don't need anyone to point out their character flaws, they do a perfectly good job of it themselves!

5:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aye right ya fucking fanny baws!

12:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can anyone out there please provide a translation? Does this man speak English?

BTW, where's the latest Bazza post - nearly a week late. Has Bazza got fed up and hit the bottle again??

5:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The verdict in the Saddam Hussein Trial was handed down today, and as expected he was found guilty and sentenced to be shot by firing squad.

As one final concession he asked and was allowed to select members of his own firing squad.

So he chose LAMPARD, CARRAGHER & GERRARD all from 12 yards !!!!!!!

2:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A translation as requested:
"Yes, correct you fucking hermaphrodite" Hope this clarifies things for you.

2:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hermaphrodite? Big word for a Scot, eh?

Could you please explain? [We English people are not too edumacated you see!!!!]

3:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't bother to explain the English are all fucking poofs (or pooves) anyway!

8:27 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

Dear anonymous Scottish person. We've got the idea, you think the English are puffs. Now can you find anything truthful or interesting to say? And identify yourself in some way, instead of being anonymous?

If the English are puffs, then why are there so many of them, compared to Scots? Puffs aren't known for breeding.

3:25 PM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Black Dog - right on. But i had long since given up on Jimmy Mc Tourette and the other Anon bloggers. He's not exactly a contestant for "Mastermind" is he?

Of far more importance than our foul-mouthed friends is the lack of any new posting from Bazza. I'm getting withdrawal symptoms already.......

11:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From November 2005 archive...

"We have fan mail again

A porridge wog writes in. (He'd left his phone numbers on, but I thought I'd better delete them in case any of you nasty people started mithering him.)

"In case you had not noticed continental Europe put their clocks back as well and the reason we are not aligned with Europe is highly geographical, take a look at a globe of the world you english Tw*t.

Martin Naismith
EE-54 Turbine Design
Rolls-Royce Deutschland Ltd & Co KGEschenweg 11
15827 Blankenfelde-Mahlow, Germany

Bless."

6:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Baz

Wassssuuuup????? Nothing from you for ages

11:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh I suppose I could call myself English Wanker or Black Dog - something highly intellectual like that. What a difference it would make according to you Mastermind contestants - not!

8:26 PM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

Why do you bother posting here then? Why not find a Scotsman only blog or forum, so that you can pretend England doesn't exist? Then we'd all be happy.

You are predictable in the extreme, and no, you don't piss me off, so why bother?

6:22 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Well said again, Black Dog - your posts are a sight more interesting and thought-provoking than the foul-mouthed rants from the various Anon Tourette's sufferers N of the border. I gave them the Tourette Scotland website but a few of the hardcore sufferers haven't yet taken the hint and gone off to THEIR blog to swear away all day at each other. Pity!

Of much more importance is the fact that Bazza has been silent for over two weeks now. He's either on holiday, pissed, or has been nobbled by our dear Mr Blah's Thought Police. There will be no point visiting this site soon if all there is to look forward to are Jimmy McTourette but no Bazza rants. E-mail him all you fans, and demand a resumption to normal service!

3:36 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

Thanks, Tony B.

Bazza posted around last Thursday? The one about 17 hours silence in memory of the 2 world wars?

As I've said, I don't mind the Scots, because, if we just decided that anyone who is Scottish is a twat, then we'd be as racist and irrational as them.

9:05 AM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

As usual it takes at least two English wanks to try and fight one Scotsman. Fucking wankers the lot of you.

11:25 AM  

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