Sunday, March 04, 2007

Poking the porkers with pointed sticks

IT’S FAT KIDS week in the nation’s media folks, so let’s all gather round and poke the juvenile porkers with pointed sticks.

First out of the traps (it was a bit of a squeeze but the cattle prod shifted him) was eight-year-old Connor McCreaddie, troubling the scales at an impressive 14 stone, who narrowly escaped being carted off into care by social workers after a film about him was shown on Sir Trevor McDoughnut’s telly programme. Anyone who saw the film will have quickly realised that it was the poor lad’s feckless, work-shy, hopeless mother who needed taking away, but until the Tories get back in we’re lacking the necessary legislation to jail scrotes simply for stupidity.

Two days later and a new contender fills the ring, or at least Page One of The Sun, this time nine-year-old Samantha Hames, who weighs in at 14 stone two pounds and is a size 18. I’m obliged to the nation’s favourite tabloid for putting Samantha’s size in context: she’s apparently the same weight as two Victoria Beckhams and is a couple of stones heavier than spud-faced nipper Wayne Rooney.

I think what most impressed me about Samantha was her sheer dedication to infant obesity. As well as a dozen family-size bars of chocolate each week and an artery-clogging daytime diet, it’s her after-school efforts that shine through. At 4pm it’s two rounds of sandwiches and a Pot Noodle. At 5.30 it’s a tea (or dinner if you get out of the bath to have a wee) of an Indian takeaway and a bowl of ice cream. At 7pm, with the hunger pangs gathering, it’s another two rounds of sandwiches and a Pot Noodle. And at 11.30pm, it’s 12 yoghurts or another full meal.

Hang on … 11.30pm? This child is nine years old. Why isn’t she in bed at that time? Where are her parents? Ah, I see. A single mother, herself a not inconsiderable 17 stones, struggling to cope with her lard-arsed little one.

And there’s the rub. When I were a lad, we were only allowed one official fat kid per school year. It was called the Bunter Principle. The council kept them in stock and issued us with a new one every time the current incumbent keeled over during a game of British Bulldog or hanged themselves from the banisters after the bullying got too much. Now they’re everywhere, wallowing around like drunken sailors behind their equally enormous parents, and generating enough static electricity from their Lycra leisurewear to power several branches of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

So why is it happening? Our food – even that of the fast variety – is healthier then ever. Low sugar, low fat, low salt, low lard … even a modern Fray Bentos tinned pie knocks nutritional spots off a traditional 1960s meat-and-two-veg. It’s a puzzle. But then I heard a programme on the wireless about Olympic silver medal winner Roger Black spending a term at a school in London in an effort to get children fitter and more active.

Despite getting them better equipment, despite getting them better organised and despite getting them better facilities, his biggest frustration was that many of them just couldn’t be bothered to do PE at all. They just didn’t turn up, or failed to bring their kit. And these days, it seems, you don’t even need a forged note from your Mum to escape the ordeal of the gym.

When I were a lad (again), if you didn’t bring your kit then you did it in your underwear – even if “it” was cross country in a blizzard. It never did us any harm, even if you had to run the gauntlet of the predatory park keeper who wanted you to pop into his hut and view his collection of mucky mags.

Now they can just refuse, point blank. No detention, no lines, no getting flicked by a wet towel in the showers by a psychopathic gym teacher. No wonder they’d rather eat sandwiches and Pot Noodles in front of the telly.

OF COURSE, all these fat kids are going to grow up into fat disableds, complete with blue badges and disability benefits. Well, those who live past 30 anyway.

But even life as a licensed lead-swinger isn’t as easy as it used to be. Just ask Lady Heather Mills McCartney.

Once she announced that she was going to appear on the American version of Strictly Come Dancing, the militant Federation of Disabled People kicked off over her future right to use a disabled badge on her Mercedes. Spokeswoman Kathy Gordon said: “Clearly she has mobility so she should refrain from using the badge. It's not fair on other disabled people.”

Ooh, hang on a minute. The country is awash with so-called disabled people shinning up rock faces, absailing off buildings, playing basketball in wheelchairs – even running the 20 metres in 20 seconds. But when it comes to bagging the best parking space at Tesco, they’re suddenly legless.

Disabled? My foot.

seriously odd about this petrol nonsense.

Think about it. The petrol companies are denying that there’s anything wrong with their fuel. But then they would say that, wouldn’t they? And we’ve got car mechanics saying that they’re having to replace bits of people’s cars at great expense. But then they would say that, wouldn’t they?

I blame all those cheapskates who bought their factory-farmed fuel from Tesco and Morrisons, instead of investing in the free range, gamboling-round-the-fields petrol from Waitrose.

AND WE come full circle, with news that the Girl Guides are dumping traditional badges like Homemaker to introduce new qualifications like Circus Skills, Film Lover and … err … the History of Chocolate.

Step forward, Samantha Hames, patrol leader of the future.


Blogger sky_dog said...

''Now they’re everywhere, wallowing around like drunken sailors behind their equally enormous parents''

Ahoy! Watch it Baz! I have often been a drunken sailor but have NEVER 'wallowed' behind anyone (certainly not my single parent) And before you ask (predictably) ... No, I've never had anyone 'wallowing' behind me either sweetie.o|--)

1:02 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...

A propos Bazza's comment on "this petrol nonsense", the most seriously odd thing about the whole affair is this:

All the motorist-punters go to Supermarket filling stations because they are - errr, CHEAP! No second thoughts on compromising the actual QUALITY of the stuff they are peddling! So, the cheapo suppliers of the supermarket forecourts make a boob - probably some lad on 'work expereince' left in charge of mixxing up a batch or two of jungle juice. OOOOPS! The stuff buggers up thousands of cars' engines, the supermarkets feign disbelief and incredulity, and then when they are finally forced to admit that it might just possibly be summat to do with their fuel, the motorists affected are told that they will have to prove that their cars were damaged as a result. Best of all we are now told that everyone will have to pay another 2p a litre because the affair has "caused a shortage on the spot market". Eureka! : the power of Nu Labour "choice" and the wonders and benefits of free market capitalism for all to see - yet again!!!

1:30 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

I'm sure Gordon Brown is considering a "Parenting Tax" for new, would be parents to make sure they're fit and able...

When I was 9, staying up until 9pm was a luxury.

2:05 AM  
Anonymous tc said...

Looks to me like the supermarkets have been eying up the computer industry method for profit generation. Create a product and flog until people have come to rely on the source. Then throw in a glitch, and charge the punters for correcting it. And better still, make sure it damages the product so your mates can make a bob or two as well.

So for computer crash, recovery and software upgrade, we now have sub-standard petrol, expensive replacement parts (with long delays of course) and charge the punters cos you screwed up. Once again a case wheresomeone causes a problem and then makes you pay for it.

I wonder if our local friendly ambulance chasers might jump on the wonga wagon and think up a legal redress....

12:15 PM  
Blogger Graeme said...

Another spot-on observation of life in the UK. I missed my weekly fix of Baz when I moved to Canada, and now thanks to the wonders of the internet, I can catch up and re-affirm why I got the hell out...
Maybe Gordon Brown should Tax fat people. He could use the money (and lets face it there will be a lot of it!) to fund the NHS which lets face it spends most of it's resources on fat people and the elderly....oh and the porridge wogs....

3:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And don't forget he wants to pour shedloads of cash into Africa, where it will go to good causes and not at all be squandered. Vote Brown, savior of the lazy, fat, and foriegn.

Christ i sound like a Nazi.


12:19 AM  
Anonymous mook said...

"Christ i sound like a Nazi."
Yes... Yes you do.

7:32 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

They claim that the stuff that knackered the petrol was an anti-foaming agent. But it's diesel, not petrol, that suffers from foaming (in low temperatures). Sounds more like cheap octane boosters to me. Since they did away with lead additives, they've put all kinds of highly dubious "substitutes" in fuel, (lead apparently causes brain damage, but the new stuff causes cancer- you pays your money....), and silicon is often found in additives you can buy to stop old and clapped out motors from smoking....just long enough for them to pass an MOT. Burnt out lambda sensors- I wish I'd seen that one coming, I'd have bought shares in 3rd party spares manufacturers.

Anyone hear the fuss over Prince Charles suggesting that MacDonald's should be banned? And hordes of bandwagon jumpers backed him up, carefully forgetting that if your kids ate too much of anything, they'd end up unhealthy. Fine, ban fast food outlets, but that wouldn't alter the fact that 2 or 3 generations (depending on where you're talking about) don't have the faintest about cookery and would simply live off over priced and nasty supermarket "convenience" foods instead. Which is hardly healthy.

Whatever happened to people actually attempting to say "no" to their kids? As Chris said, we rarely saw 9 Pm as kids, and as far as food went, we got what we were given. But I guess that all that stuff went away around the time that acquisition of material wealth and "me first" became the norm. Kids took second place, people's "careers" came first, and they've completely forgotten how to relate to their own kids. Which is surely terrible.

As for Africa- well, let's first remember that we take far more from them than they give to us, and that all them corrupt regimes are regimes put in place and backed by ourselves and the U.S (socialism- the one thing that might have helped them- being intolerable to the U.S and U.K), and that corruption from top to bottom is something we suffer from, too.

My opinion is that Africa is being groomed to be the west's sweat shop. They can't get away with paying our workers Chinese level wages, and they know that they can't continue being economic middle men forever. Hence, find another (very cheap) workforce. Africa will do very nicely.

As for their crap that they'd be giving African farmers and industry a chance to compete, well, that's hardly true, because the supermarkets hardly pay OUR farmers a fair price, never mind 3rd world ones. Admittedly, you don't need so much cash to get by in Africa, but still.

A good rule of thumb has to be "where's the money?".

Mook, I think Anonymous was a little shocked himself. But so relentless are the scare stories and misinformation that anyone could be forgiven for despairing about "foreigners" and the Nulabour inspired policies. Many basically liberal people are being turned into right wingers simply because government isn't- or isn't being represented as being for their benefit whatsoever. Ordinary people are being made to feel that government is for everyone else's benefit but theirs. Yes, the media is largely to blame, and I personally believe that it's a case of "divide and conquer".

In fact, Brown hasn't redistributed wealth downwards- he's continued the Tory redistribution of wealth upwards. Any talk of helping Africa etc are purely for the government's own aims. What you may call a scramble for the new age of empire building. No need to use guns this time, although they're there if needed. Dollars will do just fine.

3:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking of Empire building, did i hear correctly that over 200 state owned companies in Iraq have been sold of to foriegn multi-nationals along with their oil rights, another kind of empire i know but an empire just the same, protected by guns and governments.


11:55 PM  
Blogger The Reporter said...

Another great post Baz. BTW you may be interested in a blog I have just started......

12:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was amazed when I saw the size of these children I was shocked to discover that kids could grow so big.
I have to admit though when I looked at the the photos of Samantha Hames and Natalie Cox I was really really turned on and I started thinking about how much I love to have sex with them if I had the chance.
I mean if I knew either of these BIG BEAUTIFUL GIRLS personaly I would definitely be trying to get in their Knickers every single day.
IMHO Samantha is the sexiest I love to bed her and bonk her brains out daily-The regular exercise would do her the world of good.

6:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you have EXACTLY the same view on fat bastards as i do, and it is rather ironic that the POOR are fat. All in all 10/10.

9:46 PM  

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