Sunday, January 21, 2007

Shallow, stupid, ignorant and inherently racist


THE SCENE is the back room of an Islington wine bar. On one side of a candlelit table sits an executive producer from TV company Endemol. He has spiky gelled hair and is wearing glasses with red frames.

In the other side of the table sits The Devil, Beelzebub, Satan … call him what you will. He is wearing horns and a spiky tail. He burps loudly and a wave of sulphurous gas blows across the table.

“Sorry,” he says. “One too many Scotch Eggs last night. Now what can I do for you?”

Mr Endemol’s head drops into his hands. “It’s this new series of Celebrity Big Brother,” he moans. “We’ve made a right mess of it by putting Jade Goody and her family in there.

“Half the celebs have walked out, it’s boring people stiff and viewing figures have dropped through the floor. We need help.”

“Hmmm,” says Beelzebub, stroking his beard. “And what do you have to offer me for my assistance in this delicate matter?”

Mr Endemol sighs. “We can offer you the soul of Paul O’Grady – he’s on his last legs anyway – and the services of Russell Brand as your emissary on this Earth. Oh, and we can let you have series six of The Sopranos on DVD before anyone else has seen it.”


“Fine,” says Beelzebub. “Leave it with me. I’ll see if I can liven things up a bit …”

I HAVE no idea what the state of play in the Big Brother House will be by now. At the time of writing they’re all still in there bickering about a stock cube, but I expect that Jade will have been voted out by now, soon to be followed by her co-conspirators and her idiot boyfriend. And surely ridicule and vilification awaits.

There’s a delicious irony in the fact that this appalling woman was catapulted from the gutter to the glitter by Big Brother 3, only to be revealed as a foghorn-gobbed ratbag by a later series of the programme. I hope she’s banked some of the alleged millions she’s supposed to have made.

So are we really surprised that the flower of English womanhood, as portrayed on the programme by Jade, Jo and Danielle, brought up on a diet of instant celebrity and casual sex, turns out to be shallow, stupid, ignorant and inherently racist? These are escapees from the Underclass we ourselves have created – or at least allowed to evolve. Why should we expect any more of them?

And meanwhile, in the real world, four Royal Marines strap themselves to helicopter gunships and demand to be flown back into a firefight to try to rescue a fallen comrade who’d been left behind after a battle. The fact that it was only his body that they recovered doesn’t diminish their heroic efforts.

We sometimes need to remind ourselves that these chaps are the real representatives of our nation, not the cackling coven of playground bullies currently shaming us around the world.

I HAVE to confess to being gobsmacked at the television news film of BA cabin staff jumping up and down with glee after a 96 per cent majority voted for strike action over sickness pay, staffing levels and pension changes. Are these people mad? Or just too young to remember the bad old days?

And what kind of message does it send out to the hundreds of thousands of holidaymakers who have already booked their flights and who now face their precious two weeks in the sun being wrecked by union agitators?

It will not have escaped your notice that BA hasn’t had a very good year, partly through their own ineptitude and partly through terrorism scares and bad weather. Our inability to run our airports efficiently has also conspired to have queues of angry travellers camped in tents outside terminals.

I would suggest that the last thing our airline industry needs is unnecessary industrial action by a bunch of jumped-up poufs and glorified canteen waitresses. Perhaps they’ll have time to ponder that when the company goes bust and they’re all out of work.

IT’S HOWL at the moon time folks, as an illegal immigrant drink-driver who killed a 12-year-old boy turns out to be living rent-free in a council flat in Leeds.

Best take a deep breath. Zimbabwean Aaron Chisango, 29, was one-and-a-half times over the limit when he knocked down and killed Jamie Mason in Wolverhampton. Needless to say, he had no driving licence or insurance.

The CPS decided that there wasn’t sufficient evidence to charge him with causing death by dangerous driving, so he served just two months in the nick on lesser charges. On release, he was sent to a detention centre (a small mercy, I suppose) where he continued to fight a deportation order originally served in 1999. For some reason, a judge then ordered that he should be released on bail.

Thanks to your benevolence, and the huge amount of tax you pay, Mr Chisango now lives happily off a combination of state benefits and legal aid while lying in bed until the afternoon when he presumably gets up to watch Celebrity Big Brother.

With typically mealy-mouthed paper-shuffling, a Home Office spokeweasel says: “We are determined to seek to remove all those who have no legal basis to remain in the UK.” Fair enough. What he doesn’t say is that the Government currently has a policy of NOT deporting people to Zimbabwe, in case they’re roughed up at the other end.

It’s all utterly pointless. And certainly enough to make a cat laugh.

MEANWHILE a friend of mine who lives and works in Sweden emails me with some shocking news. Remember those Cillit Bang adverts starring the shouty Barry Scott? And how we were devastated to find out that he wasn’t called Barry Scott at all, but was merely an actor?

It gets worse. The adverts have just started running on television in Stockholm. Same man, same shouty delivery, but this time he’s called “Fredrik Berg".

Is there no-one we can trust anymore?

O The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this website, of anyone whose garden shed ended up three miles down the road during last week's gales, of anyone who still hasn't done their tax return and can't find their P11D anywhere, or of anyone who isn't mourning the passing of Charlie Stubbs, who wore the same vest for seven years and never, ever managed to learn how to drink a pint properly.

24 Comments:

Blogger Chris said...

Spot-on, Bazza - that Royal Marines' story was a "blink and you'd miss it" on the news, whereas Ms Goody was plastered all over the media.

I wish someone would just kick the cunt.

1:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What and lose their leg from below the knee?

Does anyone here, know anyone that actually likes and follows these 'celebrity' stories and lives, must be a lots of peoples guilty secret?

RR

1:42 AM  
Blogger Al said...

I find it ironic (or should that be "moronic") that Jade is appearing in Celebrity Big Brother when her only claim to celebrity status is winning Big Brother; i.e. she's a game show winner!

Famous for being famous, in other words.

5:53 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

Very high standard, Bazza.

Yes, Al, agreed, but that's more or less what most "celebrities" are known for these days: because they've had their faces plastered all over the tabloids and brainless women's "showbiz gossip" magazines. Even the likes of Beckham are more famous for this than actually playing football. It's not as if doing anything good or noteworthy is a pretext for "celebrity"- half the slappers who are considered newsworthy are (in)famous for shagging someone well known. Stand up Abi Titmuss and Rebecca Loos etc.

As for Jade Goody, she should be killed, stuffed and put in the British museum so that in 100 years time, everyone will know what a fat, useless Chav looks like. "Exhibit 20345: early 21st Century underclass".

Chris is right: we get saturation coverage of the horrible slapper, whilst we get bugger all news about Afghanistan and Iraq- where British soldiers are getting killed every day. During the 1st gulf war, we had legions of kevlar vested "war correspondents" out there, where have they all gone? Who needs censorship when the BBC and other channels effectively censor themselves, for fear of losing their precious licence fee, or their Franchise, next time Blair and co put them out for tender?

No, anonymous, I don't know anyone who openly admits to watching bollocks like Big Brother, or actively taking an interest in "Celebs". Not even my missus. But I suspect that it's all an extension of Soap Opera culture, which in it's turn replaced that most appalling of female traits, the need to nosey and gossip: the twitching net curtains.

8:26 AM  
Anonymous Magpie said...

It seems to me that while earlier in history people where famous because they were special. Nowadays people are special because they're famous.

Do we have great actors, writers, sportsmen etc. all over the media?

No we have Jade Goody and all those like her.

9:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's a good point about it being largly women led this 'celebrity worship' thing, is that what feminism has ammounted to, the right to rot your brain?

RR

2:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

misogynism, snobbery and anti-immigration all at one go! is this a BNP site?

6:59 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

misogynism, snobbery and anti-immigration all at one go! -Anon.

It can't be denied that the cult of celebrity is a strange thing which is almost overwhelmingly "enjoyed" by women. That gossiping and bitching is also a female trait- although also on the increase in men, too- shouldn't come as a surprise. The fact that women have their share of faults cannot be seen as misogyny. It may be "Un-PC" to mention this, but the truth is the truth, regardless of 25+ years of feminist rubbish.

Snobbery, that we should despair that someone should be famous for being brainless, with all the charm of a broken piss-pot and the social graces of a bucket of cold sick? And a RACIST, to boot?

And if you'd read MY post, you'd have read that I am not (a) a racist nor (b) anti-immigration per se (merely that British customs should come before non- British). I don't believe that our immigrants are to blame for the decline in British society.

No, I blame the middle class namby pambys, most of whom are ardently Pro- Feminist, Pro- Gay and ANTI ordinary, decent British. These people have done more to destroy racial harmony by antagonising ordinary Brits by favouring other races and cultures over them. Likewise, the double standards we have about women's rights.

BNP my arse. A rejection of Political correctness, feminism and a call for common sense does not a BNP Nazi make.

11:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is there to be scared of in common sense? it's like this idea that's been mentioned today about buying the opium crop from Afghanistan for the NHS, it'll never happen even though it makes good sense for all involved...

RR

12:37 PM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

There's a theory that democracy doesn't work, and we're seeing aspects of it these days. Politicians are too scared to do anything truly radical (apart from wars, of course) simply because they're amoral, opportunistic careerists of the worst sort. Who amongst them has the guts to be known as "Minister for cheap heroin"?

Lots of us believe that more common sense would work wonders, and I agree: buying opium poppies from the Afghanis would solve so many problems. An other small example was the dreaded Euro. Without getting into the economics involved, nevertheless, it's plain that scrapping the good old fashioned £ was deeply emotive. But the answer was easy, really: call the Euro a pound in Britain, a Franc in France, etc. Those old enough to remember will know that money changed value overnight with the advent of decimalisation. Although I'd like to add that I was only around 7 years old at the time! I remember getting hammered for spending a "shilling" and giving my mother 2 pence change, (she used to give me 3 d for going to the shops), when in reality it was a decimal 5p coin (they used shilling pieces as 5p's).

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

2:29 PM  
Anonymous Fredrik Berg said...

Black Dog, I wish you'd shut the fuck up! You like the sound of your voice too much.

I can see you down the pub now, spouting off in front of a table full of bored blokes, their eyes glazing over, making their excuses one by one until you're left on your own, bemused.

This is Bazza's blog and you're trying to hijack his audience.

10:45 PM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

Fuck yourself, knob jockey. Comments are allowed, but you'd never know because you're too retarded to make any.

Actually, I spent too much time punching pricks like you: I'm nothing like as voluble in real life.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Lord Flashheart said...

IMO, Black Dog speaks for the majority of the people who read this column. If you have a problem Fred, crawl back under the scummy rock you've lifted your sleepy head from!

Your views are ill-informed, reported without suitable evidence, and obviously of no interest to the rest of us who want a reasoned discussion.

Where I come from they'd say "They't a tart!"

Make a reasoned input and we might consider you opinions as valid.

3:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL @ Black Dog for being put back in his kennel by Fredrik Berg !

Old Blackie has always been a boring bastard, and chief arselicker of the equally obnoxious Bazza as well.

5:48 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

LOL Anon.

The 14 year old txtspk'er is back. Why come here then, stupid cunt.

Write your own opinions, dimwit, then we'll see. Otherwise, fuck off. Unless you can, then you just show yourself up to be a dim twat,and one thing about dim twats is that they find anything with more than 5 words in it boring. Go and watch soaps/big brother or whatever. Fredrik Berg is another cunt with the same problem, and so is as irrelevant as you.

Thanks Lord Flasheart. If I thought I was simply "trolling" or disrupting, I wouldn't come here.

8:30 AM  
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2:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL LOL LOL @ Blackie ...

Loneliness is a terrible thing, eh ?

8:00 AM  
Anonymous Tabitha Dalrymple said...

I wish everyone wouldn't swear so much. It's neither big nor clever.

8:16 AM  
Anonymous Harpo said...

Good call Tabitha ! You tell em ! Blackdog - don't stoop to their level mate....

p.s.
Where has Jimmy McT gone ??


Harpo

9:28 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

Anyone offended by my swearing- except the people it was aimed at, please accept my apologies. You're right, Harpo, I shouldn't stoop to their level.

As for being lonely, nothing could be further from the truth. Sociopaths don't worry about such things.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Jimmy McTourette said...

Good to see that you have all gravitated to my level as far as fucking tourettes goes.
Chris is spot on about the Marine's heroics - never leave a man behind is the ethos and they upheld that and more.

2:38 AM  
Blogger sky_dog said...

Anon:'Does anyone here, know anyone that actually likes and follows these 'celebrity' stories and lives, must be a lots of peoples guilty secret?'

There's 600 'customers' where I work who don't get out much at night who all watch avidly. Come to think of it they don't get out at all during the day OR the night. ;o)

9:53 AM  
Blogger sky_dog said...

anon says:Old Blackie has always been a boring bastard, and chief arselicker of the equally obnoxious Bazza as well.'

They're not nearly as obnoxious as I can be ... 2hat!

12:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, guess what? A surprise winner of BB. NOT!

6:30 AM  

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