Tuesday, August 18, 2009

If you don't like it, don't go back


IN THIS blinkered, bag-of-shite life that we endure, badgered by targets and rankings, it still comes as a surprise that prisoners of the Devon and Cornwall Police are being asked to fill out a 'customer satisfaction survey' after spending a night in the cells.

Rapists, paedos, thugs, drunks and fiddling NuLabour MPs are being asked to rate their incarceration experience based on the quality of the food, the cleanliness of their cell, the lighting and air temperature, the quality of the towels provided and how 'safe' they felt. (Safe? They're in the fucking nick. How safe can you get?)

The full list extends to 41 questions and also includes requests for ratings on bell/buzzer instruction, the provision of outside exercise if requested, the suitability of any reading material provided and whether or not lags were sufficiently instructed in how to make a complaint.

The clown in charge of this madcap pandering to miscreants is Chief Inspector Ivan Trethewey, the force's 'Head of Custody' who, in the weasel words of modern Britain, says: "I wanted a reality check: what I think the service is that we are providing versus what detainees tell us we are giving them."

The last time I spent a night in the nick (Good Friday, 1975, since you ask), customer satisfaction surveys were a bit thin on the ground. I was on my way back from a football match in a car we'd borrowed from a bloke we didn't actually know. I was booted across the concrete of a service station, 'accidentally' had my head smashed against the roof of the van as we were loaded up, 'fell down' the stairs at the nick and was given one paper plate of cold baked beans and two cups of machine tea a day, before being chucked out 64 hours later on Bank Holiday Monday morning, penniless and 150 miles from home.

But it certainly worked for me. I haven't been back since.

16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're not supposed to like it for God's sake! PC gone mad!

1:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait, fiddling NuLabour MPs are being held accountable?

6:35 AM  
Anonymous Chris said...

So, MPs from other parties are exempt from "fiddling" - even though they have been just has bad.

Anyway, what next? A set of keys to your cell?

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Surely the prisoners are not the customers - the people not locked are!! By this logic turds are the customers of a sewage plant!!!! We need to stop degrees in management

2:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't believe you.

You give it away when you say I spent A night in the nick.

You may well have been locked up overnight, but you certainly did not spend three nights inside a police cell without being charged.

3:09 AM  
Anonymous Al said...

You have to remember that all prisoners are volunteers; they know the score when they choose to break the law. It's quite simple really - if you don't fancy a spell inside, don't break the law.

3:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jails are full of innocent people. There's nowhere like a nick for meeting innocents.

3:54 AM  
Anonymous P.C. Wurld said...

Q. How many policemen does it take to break an egg?

A. None, guv. It fell down the stairs.

2:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"he slipped on a chip guv honest"!
beans,fried egg (when you cut it with your plastic knife & fork it grew back together like startrek)on a paper plate? wooden bed, one crab filled blanket,shoelaces and belt taken away in case of "oh he was deppressed and that"?
arrested on friday and before the beak on a monday?
WTF
a big boy did and ran away

7:23 AM  
Anonymous skydog said...

Anon:''Jails are full of innocent people. There's nowhere like a nick for meeting innocents.''

Well perhpas the Houses of Parliament run them a close second on that one anon. And whilst most prisoners can tell you a hard done by story, ''Fitted me up guv'' being the favourite, the reason most lags go through the revolving door in and out of clink is that they are all certain that they ''Won't be caught this time''

The other problem is that there are all those do-gooders who infest the prison system having good ideas. 'You should treat inmates with respect and decency' No problem with this other than the average con thinks that respect and decency are one-way streets and they should only go in their direction.

11:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

On his first morning as Mayor of Doncaster in South Yorkshire , Peter Davies cut his salary from £73,000 to £30,000 then closed the council’s newspaper for "peddling politics on the rates".

Now three weeks into his job, Mr Davies is pressing ahead with plans he hopes will see the number of town councillors cut from 63 to just 21, saving taxpayers £800,000.

. . .He has withdrawn Doncaster from the Local Government Association and the Local Government Information Unit, saving another £200,000. Mr Davies said, "They are just talking shops".

"Doncaster is in for some serious untwinning. We are twinned with probably nine other cities around the world and they are just for people to fly off and have a binge at the council’s expense".

The mayor’s chauffeur-driven car has also been axed by Mr Davies and the driver given another job. Mr Davies, born and bred in Doncaster, swept to power in the May election with 24,244 votes as a candidate for the English Democrats, a party that wants tight immigration curbs, an English Parliament and a law forcing every public building to fly the flag of St. George.

He has promised to end council funding for Doncaster's International Women’s Day, Black History Month and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender History Month.

He said, "Politicians have got completely out of touch with what people want.

"We need to cut costs. I want to pass on some savings I make in reduced taxes and use the rest for things we really need, like improved children’s services".

12:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

come on Bazza where's our next dose of vitriol, not even out of work journalists can take the end of the summer off.

11:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep taking the tablets, Baz - and don't hurry back. Your "adoring fans" are NOT holding their collective breaths.

12:20 AM  
Anonymous Nangy Of Nantwich said...

Dear Baz

Your Blog is Dead

Long Live The Blog

Amen

PS wake up your public needs you

2:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Right Bazza, enough's enough stop sulking and slacking off, ignore the Guardian readers and brown rice eating sandal wearers and give us some caustic commentary.

Has Whittaker locked you in the potting shed or worse is the Xmas Stilton still prowling? Ignore the lefties and raise some hell for us....

11:03 AM  
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