Monday, April 16, 2007

Time to ditch the red-headed, pasty-faced weaklings

I DON’T know if you’ve ever been to Burnham-on-Sea in Somerset, but trust me, it’s nothing like it sounds.

It’s not so much a glorious British seaside resort; more a traffic-choked, poverty-ridden, junkie-infested, benefits-claiming wasteland. This is not the West Country of Mousehole and Port Isaac; this is the West Country of Dodge City and Tombstone. The only good thing that’s happened to the place in years is the cellophane factory in nearby Bridgewater closing. Yes, a lot of people lost their jobs, but at least you can now pop out to sign on without wearing a smog mask to fend off the fumes.

Bad as it is, there aren’t groups of wannabe 15-year-old gangsters stabbing each other to death in school playgrounds, but even so you would imagine that the local police are kept reasonably busy dealing with the indigenous scrotes. So one can understand the surprise of 30-year-old Mrs Lisa Badland (yes, I know) when two police officers turned up outside her house to caution her five-year-old son for alleged criminal damage.

And little Ryan’s crime? Torching a kebab shop or keying an Alfa in response to this nation’s recent humiliations abroad? Nothing so patriotic. The little terror and his accomplices had been grassed up by a neighbour for chalking a hopscotch grid in the street. And if that kind of anti-social behaviour wasn’t enough, what was the child doing out in the street in the first place? Perhaps we should have a word with Social Services, madam.

Luckily, God intervened, it rained, and all evidence was washed away. But what have we come to when children daring to play in the street attract the attention of the forces of law and disorder? I thought we were awash with fat kids because the lazy, lardy delinquents didn’t do exercise anymore? If we’re going to force them indoors during the holidays, there won’t be enough of those newly-launched 52-inch school blazers to go around.

fat people, we must reluctantly return to mother-of-one and former hostage Faye Turney – not least because she simply won’t go away. (Am I alone in thinking that the crew of HMS Cornwall must have eaten rather well during the time that the Fayster was banged up? No wonder the Revolutionary Guard made her cover up.

As I was unable to buy a copy of The Sun on Bank Holiday Monday, I sadly missed the Page 3 pictures of her in her bra and knickers which must surely have been there. I also managed to miss the blubbing young boy’s story in The Mirror, and Sir Trevor McDonut’s misty-eyed interrogation that night. So there’s around £200,000 of media money wasted.

(Is it too much to hope that those who’ve cashed in might donate a few quid to the Navy so they can buy some bigger guns for next time they’re surrounded?)

It’s perhaps a good job that the Iranians didn’t realise how desperate their captives were to become celebrities, otherwise they’d have set up a Torture Idol TV show where you had to phone in and vote for the hostage you wanted released this week. Easy peasy, name, rank and chest measurement, and out they come in a shiny suit clutching a goody bag.

I suppose we shouldn’t entirely blame the namby-pamby apologists masquerading as soldiers and sailors for their abject performances. The real culprits are the Defence Department apparatchiks and the politicians who control them. Allowing, nay encouraging, the hostages to sell their stories was a cheap and effective way to get Government propaganda into the press in the face of Iran’s overwhelming PR victory. Let’s face it: we don’t believe what the MoD says and we certainly don’t believe what our political leaders say.

Pretending to then ban armed forces personnel from selling stories in future (they always have been) was just a typical piece of bare-faced lying from the Blah administration. It’s just got to the stage that no-one even notices anymore.

OF COURSE, our lives would be much enhanced if we didn’t have Scotch politicians interfering in our domestic matters while their mates back home are busy spending English money like a … well … like a drunk Scotchman. Happily, the rise of the SNP north of the border looks like making full independence a hot topic. And about time too.

In my humble opinion, we've generally pampered, looked after and baby-sat the red-headed, pasty-faced weaklings for long enough and, it has to be said, with little in the way of gratitude from the beskirted freeloaders. It’s time to cut the apron strings and let them go and make their own way in the world, as we English have been doing for centuries.

Anyway, if we take away their cosy seats in Westminster, what’s left in terms of gainful employment for an ex-pat Porridge Wog? Times have changed. They used to have the lucrative begging franchise in our shopping malls and town centre precincts, but that’s now been taken over by Eastern Europeans and the Jocks can’t get a look-in. And let’s face it, a wild-eyed, drunken Glaswegian clutching a can of Special Brew while wobbling about as if he’d got one foot nailed to the floor is always going to lose out to a pitiful young Romanian mother with six children and one leg.

According to the back of my fag packet, the Jocks make up about eight per cent of the UK population yet manage to blag double that in benefit claims alone. And I’m tired of paying for it. (We’ll not even mention the free prescriptions in Wales.)

So it’s time to go. As that terrible dirge of an anthem goes, “But we can still rise now,And be the nation again”. Well there’s the door, Jimmy. See you.


Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Absolutely 101% spot on this week Bazza. Brilliant stuff. No doubt the hand-wringers, 'Anons' and so on will take you to task.....and I can almost guarantee that Jimmy McTourette [or another from the Northern Tribal Areas] will be foaming at being referred to as "Scotch"!!!!

10:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am all in favour of it, but there is a potential issue with Scotish devolution, and that is that Hadrian's Wall is no longer big enough to keep the free loading sweaties out. Might be wise to build it up first although I expect all the potential budget has been spent on benefit payments north of the border.

6:01 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

As a patriotic Welshman, the sooner we get rid of that bunch of arses and that "thing" they call an Assembly the better insofar as I am concerned.

How anyone can say "devolution" is a good thing beats me - the clue is in the word, people: "devolution" as in "devolve" is the opposite of "evolve" as in evolution.

6:23 AM  
Anonymous mook said...

Re: the Burnham hopscotch story:
Just in case anyone's actually interested in the truth here
A nosy neighbour called the police, Claiming that a Gang of teenagers were putting graffiti everywhere. the police responded, immediately noticed that they were kids, it was hopscotch, and there was no crime.
There.. you see? Nothing to do with social workers, the "loony left" or the "blah army".
There is nothing to see here, the world is NOT coming to and end.
Not get back to your ovaltine and last of the summer wine repeats

1:17 PM  
Anonymous bazza said...

I wouldn't normally rise to the bait, but ...

Direct quotes from the mother:

"The police told me that my children had been chalking on the street and it could actually be classed as graffiti. They said that they could ask me to clean it off. They also said they were concerned about the children being in the street. But it's a quiet street and the reason we moved here was so the children could play safely."

Of course, the Burnham & Highbridge Weekly News has no interest in protecting its local cops (and connections) by trying to shoot down the story, has it?

2:41 PM  
Anonymous mook said...

'scuse me if I don't take Ms Badlands words as gospel.

The police statement said:
"Officers attended because anti-social behaviour is a priority. When they got to the scene, they realised that it was chalk on the road and therefore no crime had been committed."

"People have got to understand that what they are doing might be construed in a different way"

i.e. Some old biddy called us therefore we have to be seen to act.
I've had this talk when some dick in a car knocked me off my motorbike and he tried to get me done with a public order offence for shouting at him.

the cop knew the deal, had words, all's well that ends well.

4:29 PM  
Anonymous Al said...

The idea of Scotland, Wales & Northern ireland having their own assemblies, under the British Government, but England not having one is so fundamentally wrong it beggars belief; there is no way the role of the British parliament in such a set up can be clear. If the political structure of the UK is changed to incorporate an extra layer of government (i.e. national or regional assemblies), this must apply across the whole of Britain, and the revised role of the British parliament can then be defined (if it still has a role). Even many Scottish & Welsh nationalists agree with this; they want their own assemblies, but recognise that other British nations should have their own too, to make it work.

I don't like the idea of another level of beaurocracy, so I'd like to see an English assembly/parliament formed, more power given to all national assemblies/parliaments, and a severley reduced role for the British parliament. I'd see no need for "British" MPs, they should all sit in their home nation's parliament and represent their consituencies on Britain-wide matters (e.g. defense) at the British parliament.

3:44 AM  
Anonymous Black Dog said...

The whole notion of devolution is purely to divide and conquer. Petty- and often ancient- resentments spring up, whilst each "independent" region watches the others, to make sure that they don't get any more than "we" do.

It's already started: the English moan about how much the Scots get per head compared to income gained from Scotland, the Welsh are resented for getting free prescriptions...

Carefully forgetting that the English are still the richest of the 3 nations mentioned, and are likely to stay that way, despite Blair and Brown's robbery. Now imagine a north/south assembly.

And- as Chris could tell you, why in our hopes on another layer of government when national, local and county governments usually fail to even listen to their constituents, let alone act to their liking. The whole thing is divisive and a waste of money. What we should be demanding is national government that isn't crooked, isn't institutionally corrupt, isn't a hotbed of spin doctors and liars, and which at least attempts to protect, rather than undermine, democracy and the way(s) of life least harmful to the majority.

At the end of the day, it hardly matters who is shafting us: UK government, County Council or National Assembly for (insert country here). I see no reason to think that any regional government would be any different.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

What we should be demanding is national government that isn't crooked, isn't institutionally corrupt, isn't a hotbed of spin doctors and liars

In other words, a fucking miracle. ;-)

I re-watch episodes of "Yes, Minister" and even after twenty, almost thirty years, nothing has changed: the NHS is screwed; the civil service is a paper-shuffling gravy-train; and everyone is on the make.

You've gotta laugh, haven't you?

2:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bazza = Wank.

9:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree more with you.

1:35 AM  
Blogger The Reporter said...

Although one might say that someone who can't even bother to think up a name might = Wank I suppose......

1:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Although one might say that someone who can't even bother to think up a name might = Wank I suppose......"

I suppose this goes under the guise of quality reporting then:
"For fucks sake wake up! Robin Hood was a legend not a fairy story!!"
So both you and Bazza qualify for the wank title I suppose...........

1:08 AM  
Blogger The Reporter said...

Mr Man With No Name

Well it’s certainly not quality reporting. It’s not meant to be. It’s a vaguely satirical look at NML. Unless you work for that company it is highly unlikely you would understand the satire or the characters portrayed.

I think that my original post on this matter says it all.

8:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr Reporter you are spot on its not quality reporting.

7:20 AM  

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