Sunday, April 06, 2008

Come back when your ovaries have dried up

ACCORDING TO the front page of a so-called newspaper this week, a lady newsreader called Natasha Kerplunsky is three months pregnant. I bet her bosses are really pleased, seeing as she’s just five weeks into a million-pound contract and is now looking forward to a year off.

That cuddly old teddy bear Sir Alan Sugar got some serious flak a few weeks back for criticising the daft laws that stop employers asking prospective employees whether or not they intend to get pregnant. The fact that his new TV series was looming on the horizon must be acknowledged, but he was right.

Let’s be honest. If you are a small businessman employing three or four people, you’d have to be barking mad to take on a woman of child-bearing age. There you are, trying to be all progressive and modern, when suddenly the key sales manager you employed just three weeks earlier announces that she’s up the duff and will shortly be departing for a year on the couch scoffing Jaffa Cakes and watching Jeremy Kyle, and all at your expense.

Worse still, she knew she was pregnant when she took the job. So where’s the fairness in that? It’s only one step away from blatant fraud. I can’t believe that we’re prepared to put up with this nonsense.

No doubt the hairy-armpit brigade will already be composing their letters of complaint, but let’s turn it around. What if I, as a man, applied for and accepted a job and then announced a couple of months later that I had a bad back and would shortly be clearing off on the sick for a year or so? Yes, of course I knew I had the bad back when I came for an interview, but you weren’t allowed to ask me about it. So if you don’t mind, you can pay me for most of that time off as well. It’s madness.

The stupid thing is that legislation designed to promote the equality of women is now actively working against them. I was at a lodge meeting last week and conducted a quick survey amongst my fellow used car-dealers and near-bankrupt estate agents. Not a single one of them will now contemplate taking on a woman of child-bearing age. They’d rather employ a passing Pole or an itinerant Uzbekistani. Male, of course.

AND HERE we go again. New sex discrimination laws mean that landlords who allow drinkers to crack ‘sexist’ jokes or indulge in ‘racy’ banter can now be taken to a tribunal and sued for hundreds of thousands of pounds by their barmaids.

(I’m not sure what ‘sexist’ and ‘racy’ means in this context, but I’m sure there are legions of government-funded lawyers just gagging to argue the toss.)

And restaurant managers or hoteliers also risk action if staff object to backchat from customers asking for a date.

The frightening thing is that the burden of proof will be on the employer, not the employee. So the minimum-wage teenage scrote that you take on to shift alcopops to her fellow 17-year-olds can whisk you off to court claiming that a passing Darren looked at her breasts and said “You don’t get many of them to the pound” and you’ll have to prove that he didn’t. So where’s the justice in that?

It’s a bigger scam than getting pregnant.

RARELY DOES a day pass without some new health care surfacing in the national press – usually in the pages of the Daily Mail. And that so-called advice is so contradictory that it’s often difficult to make sense of it.

First of all you’re warned that even a sip of alcohol will result in your liver dissolving in a pit of acid; three days later you’re told that the occasional glass of red wine is actually good for your health. Similarly meat. Now we all know that a vegetarian diet is a recipe for disaster: constant sniffles, chronic wind and some dodgy bowel movements. And last week that prejudice was confirmed by research that suggested that a certain element of red meat in your diet was good for you.

Then what’s this? “Eating a single sausage can kill” bleat the headlines. Well, yes ... if you’ve bought it from a burger van outside Villa Park, maybe. (I only mention Villa Park because it was there that I bought a beefburger at the height of the BSE crisis from a van displaying the notice: “Guaranteed - our burgers contain 100 per cent no beef.”)

So there I sit in front of a plate of bacon, sausage, fried egg, fried bread, baked beans, mushrooms and tomatoes. I now know that just one mouthful might kill me stone dead. Do I care? Bring on the hash browns, the black pudding, the kedgeree. We’re all going to die anyway. We may as well go with tomato sauce dribbling down our chins.

BUT THEN, maybe not. The latest loony government initiative suggests that we should all have our own personal health care budgets, to be spent as we want. So if you’ve got a nasty case of piles, you can take yourself off to the nation’s best pile care clinic, which I suspect is somewhere in Wales. If you’re suffering from chronic wind, then the Geoffrey Boycott Clinic in Barnsley will be the place to go.

It all sounds very sensible, doesn’t it? But wait … what happens when you’ve spent your budget? That nasty bout of terminal cancer turned out to be not so serious after all, and the prospects of recovery are good, but you’ve spent all your health care cash - there’s no money left in the kitty for further treatment.

That’s it then mate. You’ve cashed in your chips. Kindly go way and die quietly in the corner.


Anonymous tony b.liar said...

Once again Baz, you are right on the money. Trouble is, Nu Labour needs more wimmin to reproduce frequently - providing taxpayers of the future to keep all the olds in some sort of dignty. Nu Labour's strategic error is that it is encouraging all those single mums on the local Scrotesville estate to disproportionately reproduce rather than encouraging the the better educated. Scrote offspring then reproduce at a frighteningly early age, so perpetuating a rsther ominous cycle - just look at Shannon's mum in Dewsbury for a perfect illustration. NuLa then thinks it needs more education, more league tables, more Czars, rules and regulations, more cheap food and booze, more Turkey Army scrotes to adminiser all the new rules and benefits........and yes, more money in taxes to pay for all this nonsense!! On the day that the 10%tax rate is abolished - so leaving even the poorest worse off at the expense of the rich, isn't there anyone out there who hasn't stopped and thought that NuLa and their best mates in the Private Sector are a busted flush? The only solution? Kick them out and as soon as possible. A vote for Cameroon [with his mortgage paid for by you and me] might stick in the craw, but the Tories couldn't possibly be worse. If we don't get rid of the incompetent corrupt crew currently running the show, it will be a case of 'The Sun' running another Neil Kinnock headline "Will the last person left in Britain please turn out the light" - this time with Broon's smiling face on the front page!!!!

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Al said...

tony... I agree with you rpoints, except that I don't see a vote for Dave "Tory Blair" Cameroon being the answer. As you say, his lot would probably be no worse than the current sorry bunch, but I doubt if they be any better either. If the Tories could offer a proper alternative to NuLabour the whole fiasco would be less depressing. Every time NuLabour do something ridiculous, rather than saying that it's ridculous and explaining how they'd do things differently, the Tories just claim that they thought of it first!

If Broon gets re-elected at the next election, surely he would only last another term and the Tories may actually form a proper Tory opposition to win the next election (2015?). If Dave Cameroon gets in he'll probably be there for 2-3 terms, and not much will improve. Sadly, neither option is very palatable.

1:17 AM  
Anonymous tony b.liar said...


You are right, and I also don't have much time for "Green Dave" myself, but after voting [to my eternal shame and embarassment] for an Arch Tory [Bliar] TWICE, I feel it doesn't much matter which way one votes these days - as long as it's not for the LibDem. It seems that ALL our 'honourable members' have their snouts in the trough,as last weeks's revelations proved.
The disintegration of this country started during the Thatcher and Major years but has become immeasurably worse under Nu Labour with their social engineering, half-baked 'Elf & Safety regulations and a swathe of completely loopy 'initiatives', like the abolition of the 10% tax rate today.

If we don't want more of the same, then regrettably the ONLY solution is to "kick the bums out" at the next election, and sadly the only way to do THAT is elect "Lord Snooty and his pals"

3:50 AM  
Anonymous Al said...


I agree.

I just have this vision of me in the polling booth at the next election tossing a coin in the air muttering "heads for Labour, tails for Tories".

It's really a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils, and at this stage any change must be a good thing. Re-electing the current incumbent really says "we are quite happy you are doing a good job, please carry on", which is clearly not the case.

4:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Change them every five years, thats wot I say. If you allow them to get their feet to close to the fire they start thinking they own the place and can do what they like. Happened with Maggie, happened again with Tone

9:21 AM  
Anonymous private parts said...

When I was in the Army serving overseas they put bromide in our tea so we didn't get too frisky. I know coz when fit young men read a porno mag and nowt happens even your average squaddie can put two and two together.

Now if someone could invent some kind of contraceptive that looked and tasted like them low calorie sweeteners they'd make a fortune from small businesses and corporations.

4:36 AM  
Blogger paul said...

According to the Yahoo website today, eggs are now a little bit too dangerous for you as well.

5:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too True Barry! If it hasn't already happened, I don't suppose it will be too long now before footballers agents refuse medical examinations prior to finalisation of multi million pound contracts, on the basis of inequality and the fact that it might upset the foetus! bearing in mind that other story of the pregnant so-called "Man!?".
So, we can expect that we will soon be reading that young Shelly from the estate, who signed for Man U. has, without any intent on her/his part found Him/herself up the duff and will have to sue the entire squad and club because everyone had a go at her in the tub after her/his debut first team match!
No wonder some black guy was always growling out "An I tink to myself, what a wonderful world!" - I'm beginning to think this was maybe because he foresaw "Dat white man race is killin imselves man!"

11:11 PM  
Blogger Chalcedon said...

I wonder if businesses will hire theor own Natasha Kerplunkskys (I liked that bit)as freelance contractors so that when they do get the bun in the oven they can go home to gestate on no pay? It certainly gets round this paying for no work and having to hire another person as an interim, with no certainty new mum is going to return to the job.

Bacon, eggs, sauage etc. When I was a lad at school my mother always made a cooked breakfast saying it was important for learning to have a good breakfast. She was right and as a kid I walked everywhere and played lots of sports and burned it all off.

Life is a sexually transmitted, terminal disease. Bacon, eggs and sausage is a tasty meal. So.....don't overdo it and eat such excessively, have it say once a week. Moderation is sensible. I mean think what would happen on the 100% baked bean diet?

Every week a different food is bad for you. Then it is suddenly OK, scare over. Sells papers though.

As for drinking, remember that Beer is a sign that God loves us and those non-pork eaters owing to religion are seriously missing out in life with no bacon sandwiches. Do they live any longer? Apparently not.

6:21 AM  

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