Friday, February 22, 2008

What Ho, Jeeves!

THAT FOUNT of all knowledge, the Mate In The Pub, suddenly announced last night that 50 per cent of the total working UK population was now in the direct employ of the government, either in the public sector or in private companies employed by the public sector. He also reckoned that the working population of the UK is around 20 million people. So that’s 10 million people in the ranks of the Turkey Army and 10 million of the rest of us without (without pensions, mainly).

Now this got me thinking. Wouldn’t it make sense to give each of us private sector wealth-generators our own, personal public servant? A sort of Jeeves character, although obviously a lot more common?

They could just follow us around doing all the essential but annoying things we don’t enjoy, like taking our household refuse to the rubbish tip, cooking us healthy, five-a-day food, nagging us when we smoke or drink, filling the potholes in the road on our way to work, and advising us on safe sex as we stagger out of nightclubs because they’re going to have to deliver the resultant baby and then teach it for 18 years.

In fact, all the things our local authorities should be doing in exchange for our council tax but patently don’t. And we’d pay Jeeves direct, instead of coughing up ever increasing amounts to the council to fund advertisements for one-legged, black, bicycling outreach workers in the Guardian.

And another thing: this sort of thing would wipe out the problem of benefits cheats at a stroke, as there simply wouldn't be any. They couldn’t get away with not working, or pretending to work, as we’d notice straight away and grass them up to the Jeeves Police who’d ship them off to camps for corrective training.

You know, I think we’re on to something here.

WITH THE football season reaching such a busy stage, Mrs Beelzebub has been deputed to decorate the master bedroom suite. Nothing major – bedroom, dressing room (his), dressing room (hers), bathroom, observatory and terrace with hot tub.

Because of her arthritis (a condition she carelessly exacerbated when moving the four-poster bed) Mrs Beelzebub struggles a bit with those big paint rollers, so I sent her off to DIY store Homebase to treat herself to a small one. She returned having spent a rather extravagant £5.49 and set to.

One small problem: the roller, once assembled, wouldn’t fit in the paint tray. It was a classic of useless design. Not even the Irish could have come up with this one.

Back to Homebase she went, where the giggling nincompoop on the returns desk wiped her nose on her sleeve and said: “Oh, yes. We’ve had a few of those brought back. The roller doesn’t fit in the paint tray.”

And over what time period, Mrs Beelzebub enquired, had these faulty items been returned? “Ooh, a couple of weeks, now,” snuffled the be-fleeced phlegm monster.

Mrs Beelzebub then asked, quite correctly, why the useless product was still on the shelves, causing inconvenience and irritation to everyone who bought it?

“Ooh, I don’t know,” giggled the minimum-wage idiot.

You see, that’s what’s wrong with this country. All it needed was for someone with a bit of gumption to drag the manager away from watching pornography on his office computer to tell him that his shelves were stocked with an item that was not only unusable, but the purchase of which would annoy anyone foolish enough to buy it.

He could then send the damn things back to China (where the children who assembled them would no doubt have their wages docked) and everyone’s happy. Instead stupidity and indolence rules, dozens of wasted carbon-emitting journeys to the DIY store are made and several polar bears drown as a result. I hope they’re pleased with themselves.

If it was me, I’d have had the manager either refund my petrol money or pop outside to be introduced to my new, on-board baseball bat. Or I’d have sent my Jeeves in the first place.

WE HAVE a splendid high-speed dual carriageway in our neighbourhood, linking two motorways in a really efficient manner. One afternoon last week there was a nasty car crash involving two vehicles travelling in opposing directions on the same side of the carriageway.

Not pleasant. Both drivers dead, no passengers involved, yet still the cops saw fit to close this vital link road for EIGHT HOURS. No, really.

I know that they now consider fatal accidents to be crime scenes as they try to pin the blame on one driver or another (must get those targets met) but in this case there was no point in spending hour after hour trying to establish blame. You can’t haul a dead man through the courts, after all. You can’t give three points to a corpse.

All that was needed was a cursory examination of the scene to keep the Coroner happy, and then it should have been a case of “wagons roll”. The cost to the economy, in the middle of a busy week, is almost unquantifiable. And we won’t even mention the succession of accidents which left several people injured as HGVs rampaged through the villages unfortunate enough to be on the diversion route.

Perhaps it’s time we each had our own personal policeman; someone to focus on our personal concerns and protect our own property. I shall call mine Dixon.


Anonymous Tony B.Liar said...


I'm somewhat surprised that you haven't taken the opportunity for a bit of good old Nu Labour bashing with this week's debacle concerning the Nationalisation of Northern [C]Rock. God knows the bunch of incompetents deserve it. We will look back at this week's announcement as the day the scales finally fell from the eyes of the electorate, and Nu Labour was finally exposed in all its incompetent, bungling glory. It was the turning point when the Tories will finally believe they have a chance of being re-elected.
Perhaps Mr Bliar could be persuaded to act as consultant for the new "People's Rock" - for a million or so a year, OF COURSE!! Hang on though, they've already appointed a part-time Zimbabwean who pays no UK tax to the job -DAMN!

4:33 AM  
Anonymous paul Newton said...

I love your comments on Homebase......the country is full of people that just don't care about anything any more. Its about time teh silent majority took control in my view....if only I could be bothered, I would.

4:34 AM  
OpenID thisisstokenewington said...

Oh Mr B.liar

Remember your the little innocents you weeped for who were cruelly and unjustly extridited to the USA?

2:51 AM  
OpenID thisisstokenewington said...

Oh Mr B.liar

Remember those poor unfortunate innocents who were cruelly and unjustly extridited to the USA?

2:52 AM  
Anonymous tony b. liar said...

Oh Lord, our friend Met Police Kommander Kris is on the loose again!!! I had hoped we had heard the last of him some time ago, and that he had gone back to his real job as Chief Inspector of Park Benches in Stoke Newington. But no such luck - he seems to have a new Blog for those with a penchant for such mind-numbing trivia as Luke Akehurst and stray cats.

You have a very long memory, Kris, [but unfortunatley so do I] and you choose to bring up, yet again, your daft comments about the so-called NATWEST 3 - those 'fine' chaps having recently been found guilty, fined and sentenced for their part in the ENRON fraud.

At the time [July 14, 2006] you were not quite sure what you thought about their being tried in the US - first agreeing, then not agreeing with Bazza, BlackDog and myself. This is what you wrote at the time:

"Personally, I hope the NatWest Three had a nice flight: They bought a company to Enron at an undervalue and cashed in at the expense of Enron shareholders- mostly pensioners- who were left high and dry",

But then a day later [when implicitly taken to task by Black Dog] "I agree that British Subjects should be tried in Britain for their crimes- trouble is- you commit crimes in other countries- you have to be prepared to pay the price in that country."

Which was it, Kris? In point of fact the NatWest 3 purchased an ENRON subsidiary in the Cayman Islands at a knockdown price - so who did they defraud: ENRON, pensioners, NATWEST or the shareholders? Your call, since you seem to have more extensive knowledge of financial and legal matters than me.

From my perspective [and that of Bazza and Black Dog, in case you missed the point], I was NOT in favour of extridition [sic] to the US, for identical reasons. But that said, I am delighted that they have been found guilty and will pay for their crimes - God knows they deserve it!

3:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can call me nancy for all I care.
No paperwork, unlimited Guinness and a relaxed approach to violence and I'm yours.
Sergeant Bastard of the yard

3:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Has thisisstokenewington got a stutter?
Easier done than said.

11:36 PM  
OpenID thisisstokenewington said...

I see that Mr B.liar hasn't gotten any smarter in my absence.

He quote me: -

"I agree that British Subjects should be tried in Britain for their crimes- trouble is- you commit crimes in other countries- you have to be prepared to pay the price in that country."

Which was it, Kris? In point of fact the NatWest 3 purchased an ENRON subsidiary in the Cayman Islands at a knockdown price - so who did they defraud: ENRON, pensioners, NATWEST or the shareholders?

Mr B.liar, on a closer reading of the reporting of the matter, the transaction was handled, in part, by a US bank.

That transaction was sufficient to attract the jurisdiction of the US Courts.

The UK extridation court accepted that and they cut a plea bargin in the US.

but, as per usual, the witless B.liar knows better that High Court & US Federal judges. Hell, he even knows better that the NatWest 3 themselves!

How long do you propose to witter on about Blair's "lies"? There's a new PM in town, in case you hadn't noticed.

pip, pip.

1:45 AM  
OpenID thisisstokenewington said...

"The trio have pleaded guilty to conspiring with former Enron staff to defraud NatWest of $19m (£9m) and then splitting $7m between them".

I trust the above is self-explanatory, even for your Mr B.liar....

1:48 AM  
Blogger Forty_Two said...

We could always eat everyone on the dole or serve them on a bed of cous-cous at Michael Vick's Restaurant.

6:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even the Irish ? If only you were bright enough to compare yourself with the cleverest people on the planet.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Forty_Two said...

I thought everyone was Irish.

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8:10 PM  

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