Sunday, June 03, 2007

Bring on the veggie bacon

YOU KNOW, you could easily get paranoid around here. Our money-grubbing former Prime Minister might be off on one of his many freebie farewell tours, but the NuLabour machine grinds on, and in the manner of a particularly spooky science fiction novel as well.

Consider this: a leaked email from the Environment Agency to a vegetarian campaign group contains the worrying news that it now appears to be official government policy to turn the entire population into vegans – no meat, fish or dairy products – as a way to “help save the planet”. No, really.

We are therefore to be “guided” towards a life of lentil-eating and encouraged to embrace the joys of vegetarian bacon. Funnily enough, they do seem to realise that this extreme plan might be a tad controversial, warning that the move would need to be done “gently” because of the risk of “alienating the public”. You’re not joking.

Our crime as meat-eaters is to require the production of hundreds of thousands of farm animals, from pigs to sheep to cows, all guilty in the eyes of the enviro-fascists of producing huge amounts of the greenhouse gases methane and carbon dioxide. Therefore “encouraging people to examine their consumption of animal protein could be a key message”.

So there you have it. We are now the enemy. The fact that we enjoy the odd burger or a Sunday roast will not be tolerated in the Brave NuLabour World. I’m reminded of the famous poem by concentration camp prisoner Pastor Martin Niemöller:

“First they came for the car drivers, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a car driver. Then they came for the smokers, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a smoker. Then they came for the drinkers, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a drinker. Then they came for the carnivores, and by that time there was no-one left to speak up for us.”

A facile comparison, admittedly. But still very true.

– the social lepers of the 21st Century. Not content with chasing us out of our workplaces and shopping centres, not content with banning us from buses and trains, not content with excluding us from the pub, the restaurant, the football ground and even the church (just when did you see someone lighting up at Vespers?), they’re now taking the fight to our own private space – the car.

Road Safety Nazis (close cousins of the Health and Safety Gestapo) are arguing that smoking at the wheel should be made illegal, with a £60 fine and three points for those who transgress. Apparently lighting a cigarette and then often dropping it into your lap while in the fast lane of the motorway is regarded as dangerous driving and results in the death of 1,327 people a year. (I made that last bit up, but you’d never know.)

The way things are going I’m going to be banned by the time I get to the bottom of the lane in the morning. Shaving at the wheel – three points; drinking coffee – three points; lighting up a fag – three points; and distractedly coasting past a speed camera at 33mph (well, wouldn’t you be distracted if you were shaving, drinking and smoking all at the same time?) – three points. So that’s 12 points, £240 in fines and a six-month ban.

It’s hardly worth leaving home any more – except that Mrs B won’t let me smoke there.

AND THE social engineering just doesn’t stop. The parents of babies and toddlers are to be required to record the progress of their children in new “learning diaries” to be introduced by Big Bro … sorry … the government. They’ll be encouraged to log details of every activity attempted by their offspring, ranging from stacking play bricks to reciting nursery rhymes.

No problem so far. Show me the proud parent who doesn’t already record little Damien’s every achievement in the baby book: “And here in this plastic bag is his first poo. Yes, very green, isn’t it. What a clever boy.”

But now the problems start. The diaries will be scrutinised by child care experts to check that parents are doing all they can to prevent their kids falling behind. Bit spooky that, isn’t it?

In mitigation, the £9 million scheme will begin in poorer areas, so it’s the scrotes who’ll bear the brunt of this invasive officialdom – and rightly so, many will argue. But don’t be fooled – it won’t be long before the middle classes loom into the Nanny State’s sights. After all, we’re the mugs who try to play by the rules.

One thing puzzles me: what happens to children who are under-achieving, or are just plain thick? Will they be whisked away by the childcatchers from social services for remedial training? Or will they be abandoned on the nearest mountain in the snow, just as the Spartans did? I don’t know, but I think we should be told.

day passes, I get more and more fed up with the antics of “Team McCann” and the parents of missing Maddie. Yes, I know they’ve suffered a terrible thing that we wouldn’t wish on anyone, but the whole performance is turning into a three-ring circus funded by millions of quid chucked into the kitty by penniless OAPs and misguided millionaires.

And this trip to see The Pope – which meant LEAVING THEIR TWINS BEHIND. What exactly did that achieve? I know that they say they want to keep the story in the forefront of the media, but if you could show me a single newspaper or broadcaster who isn’t still running daily stories then I might be more sympathetic to their course of action.

(Why didn’t they just come clean and admit that given the Catholic Church’s record on paedophilia, they thought it wise to have a quick look in the wardrobes and behind the sofa in the Vatican while the Pope was distracted?)

One last thought, and it’s a bit controversial, I must admit. You know all these abandoned children waiting for adoption? Why don’t we just give one to every known nonce on the register and so wipe out this abduction stuff overnight?


Anonymous Al said...

Banning smoking and a whole host of other activities while driving are an inevitable progrssion from making use of a mobile phone at tne wheel a specific, fixed-penalty offence. Not that I support those who drive around holding a phone to their ear, but the police always had the power to nick them under driving without due care and attention or dangeous driving laws. The new law was not ncessary, it just needed someone to tell plod to get of his lazy fat arse and enforce existing laws. But now, plod can make money out of the new law, by pocketing the fines gathered - now I see it!

But now thr precedent has been set, all sort of offences & activities covered by the old laws will have specific laws passed to ban them.

The beauty of the old laws was that they gave the police the power to nick anyone who was doing something that genuinely caused danger - there's a difference between driving with a gas on and taking your eyes off the road for ages while you fiddle with the ligher, take a fag out of the packet,and look up to realise you've wander onto the pavement. Under a specific "no smoking in cars" law, both would be judged the same.

And the further problem is that the police still don't nick drivers going arounf town with a phone clamped to their ear (surely the ones the law is after?). Where I live, the hide in lay-byes and nick drivers who pull over to make a call, because the offence is using a mobile phone "while in charge of a road vehicle", and if you are sitting behin the wheel of a parked car, you are still in charge of it. Still, I suppose it helps get quotas and revenues up!

1:16 AM  
Anonymous Al said...

I meant to say "driving with a fag on", not a "gas on" in my previouis post, although both could be offensive to passengers!

1:18 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Actually, I'd ban smoking whilst driving... but apart from that, spot-on post Baz.

4:01 AM  
Anonymous Al said...

Bazza - I'm glad I'm not the only one getting fed up with the "Team McCann" machine. I see they now want to put a photo of their daugther inside every copy of the fortchcoming Harry Potter book - why?

What has happended to them is dreadful and you have to feel sympathy, but their activities are coming across to me more as an efficient, well-oiled business rather than the actions of distraught parents.

If only they'd put a fraction of their current efforts into looking after their daughter (and two other children) properly in the first place, none of this would have happened.

4:39 AM  
Blogger Ken said...

You can't grow Soya beans commercially in the UK because the growing season is to short. Presumably, it's OK to polute a third world country with pestisides to grow them, ship them to this country in fuel gussling planes and ships and then process then into pretend bacon rashers in a highly automated factory but heaven forbid that we allow a piggy to run arround in a field and then bump him off for a few rashers.

4:55 AM  
Blogger Snuffleupagus said...

Don't you know why Madeleine's parents went to see the Pope?? So that he could bless her photograph! When the police finally find her, it will surely be thanks to the Pope's involvement. Shame on you for not realising!

Smoking and eating... Hmm. My last blog post resembles yours. I wonder what you would think?

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Disillusioned said...

In Northern Ireland, Belfast City Council (jobsworths extraordinaire) are recruiting Tobacco Enforcment Officers at a starting rate of c£25K. The Turkey Army extends across the sea with no end in sight. The tobacco ban is in sight for England. Bad enough that, but these blighters in the NI Assembly have just demanded expenses alone to increase from £45K to £73K pa - that excludes 'basic' salary. Its enough to make a cat laugh.

12:17 PM  

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