I never again want to hear that 'lessons will be learned',

YOU WOULD think that there would be so many levels of Turkey Army bureaucracy infesting our public services that mistakes would almost be impossible to make; that somewhere in the warren-like system, someone, somewhere would inevitably say “Hang on a minute – this isn’t right”.

After this week’s events involving Haringey Council at the Old Bailey, the answer has to be clearly not - although I suspect, with its £100 million a year budget, it’s through utter ineptitude rather than any laughable notion of under-staffing.

The case of 17-month-old Baby P, who despite being on the council’s at risk register, despite being seen 60 times by social workers in just eight months (that’s once every three days), and despite being the subject of two police investigations, was left to die in agony in a blood-stained cot with a broken back and multiple injuries after being tortured for months by his parents almost beggars belief. It has made me very sad and very, very angry. I actually couldn’t bring myself to read the long list of injuries published in the newspapers. The detail of how they were inflicted – “he was punched so hard in the mouth he swallowed a bottom tooth” – makes me feel faint.

And that’s where the anger overcomes the terrible sorrow, because Haringey Council has previous for this sort of thing, being the same social services department that was to blame for the death of little Victoria Climbie eight years ago. You would think that if any public authority had learned how to protect its children, it would be this one. But no.

We have the social worker who visited repeatedly and yet failed to spot the injuries caused by months of torture and, just four days before his death, was fooled by the boy’s mother smearing chocolate and nappy cream over his wounds.

We have the team leader who agreed that the baby should continually be returned to his home, despite two police investigations and the warnings of hospital staff.

We have the ‘chair’ of something called the Haringey Local Safeguarding Children Board who has shifted the blame quicker than an incontinent puppy, claiming that “The council didn’t kill Baby P; his parents did.”

And we have the doctor, the paediatrician who examined Baby P two days before his death and failed to spot that he was paralysed with a broken spine and also had several broken ribs and multiple other injuries. (Read that sentence back again and consider what it means. I bet you’re shaking your head, aren’t you?) She blamed this gross negligence on being unable to carry out a full examination because Baby P was “miserable and cranky”. Yes, I bet he was.

Still, heads will roll, won’t they? The people who allowed this horrific abuse to continue unabated will be sacked, won’t they?

Err ... no. At the time of writing, three written warnings have been issued and it has been made very clear that no-one will lose their job and no-one will be resigning. (I suspect that may have changed by the time you read this.)

And then, to top it off, we have that aforementioned ‘chair’ turning up on the TV news telling us, in that patronising tone the Guardian-reading classes use when they’re talking down to the rest of us, that “Lessons will be learned”.

I tell you what. I never want to hear a public servant using the phrase “Lessons will be learned” ever again. Because they’re clearly not, are they?

DODGY VICARS have been a staple of the Sunday tabloids for years, but they’re usually male. Now, since the ordination of women, we’re getting dodgy female vicars coming unstuck – and, I would suggest, in proportionately higher numbers.

The latest example is a motorbiking mother from Daventry, Northants, who has been banned from the clergy for 12 years by a Church of England disciplinary hearing after turning up drunk for services and also boasting to fellow clergy that she and her husband went on swinger’s holidays and that she was a keen contributor to some dodgy websites. Hardly the Vicar of Dibley, is it?

The best bit about the newspaper story I read was right down the bottom: “It is thought she has now trained as a teacher.” Well, that’s all right then.

DID YOU see that TV programme on Prince Charles the other night? The one celebrating his 60th birthday today? What do you reckon?

Spoilt and tetchy? Of course – it goes with the territory. If I was a multi-millionaire heir to the throne, I’d be a right pain in the backside as well. I wouldn’t have porky male valets squeezing my toothpaste from the tube. It would be half-naked 23-year-old pole dancers. Or even half-naked 23-year-old Pole dancers. I’m not fussy.

But honest and well-meaning? I think so. Whatever the baggage he drags with him, and whatever the peculiar characteristics his upbringing has instilled, I think he’s definitely a good man who recognises his public duties and tries to carry them out to the benefit of us all. If only he was in charge of Haringey’s Local Safeguarding Children Board. There’d be fewer tortured babies out there, that’s for sure.

TOP TIP this week comes not from Viz, but from the front page of the Daily Telegraph (yes, the front page).

If you’re feeding the birds this winter and your bird table keeps getting mugged by squirrels, just sprinkle a bit of chilli powder on your nuts. Apparently the birds don’t mind it, but the squirrels hate it. Probably keeps you warm as well. Pip pip!