Sunday, July 27, 2008

Burn their kilts and stamp on their shortbread

A TOURIST attraction in Scotland banned visitors from south of the border on one day last week and instead spent the time destroying ‘English’ items such as bone china and important books.

The Edinburgh Dungeon said that the one-day ban was in revenge for the Battle of Falkirk, fought 710 years ago, in which the Porridge Wogs got their usual battering at the hands of God’s Own People. In this case, six thousand of William Wallace’s idiots came up against half a dozen of Edward I’s archers. The result? Longbows, 6,000; face-painted, skirt-wearing Nancy Boys, 0.

This seems to have displeased the Jocks to the point that they thought that they’d ‘celebrate’ another miserable defeat by scoring some cheap publicity for their crappy museum.

The obvious point here is what would happen if an English museum decided that they’d have a day of burning kilts and stamping on shortbread. I think we know – the Thought Police would be around sharpish, clubbing the curator and spraying CS gas in the face of the old lady serving lemon drizzle cake and cups of tea.

As it happens, some sad bugger actually complained to the Lothian and Borders police about the event, and much time was therefore wasted investigating a perceived slight. I can only think that it was someone from Carlisle. No-one else could care less.

THE PONCY middle-class columnists of the national press have been hurtling into print to condemn Boots the Chemist for getting a security guard to ‘arrest’ a 12-year-old girl and then summoning three policemen to interrogate her over the alleged theft of a pot of nail varnish.

Well I’m sorry, but I don’t see what they’re complaining about. This kid wandered into the store, unwrapped the £7 nail varnish and painted one of her nails. It wasn’t what Mrs Beelzebub tells me is called a tester; it was a valuable product.

What if I wandered into an off licence and popped the top of a can of wife-beater before deciding whether to buy it or not? I’d be banged up quicker than an English museum curator who’d been burning kilts.

To be fair, the store didn’t actually help itself with its moronic NuLabour-speak comments after the incident: “During the recent event at our Folkestone store, we worked with Miss Gilbert [the accused] and subsequent local law enforcement to ensure an effective resolution was met.”

What does that mean? Why can’t they just speak English? And burn a few kilts?

I MUST admit that I occasionally get tired of trying to defend Margaret Thatcher. I know that her policies caused much hurt, particularly in the former coalfields, but when you survey her body of work in the context of British history, 1975-2008, then I honestly believe without her input we’d all still be driving Morris Marinas and living in run-down, pebble-dashed council houses, while rubbish lay uncollected in the streets and inflation ran at unheard of levels. (Hang on, scratch the last two points.)

I think what annoys me most is the lazy, left-wing abuse of a frail, 82-year-old woman. Only last week I had a barney in snug bar of The Shivering Whippet with a spikey-haired, wannabe Trotskyist who was railing at the assembled stoodents about the plans for a State Funeral for the Blessed Margaret.

She did this, she did that, she was responsible for gassing miners and introducing compulsory euthanasia for pensioners. On and on he went. In the end I had to pull him up.

“So how old are you?” I asked.

“23,” he said.

“Right,” I said. “So you were five years old when she stepped down. You didn’t actually experience a single minute of her rule, yet you’re happily bragging about how you’ll dance on her grave. Frankly, sonny, you’re just a fraud.”

And that’s the problem. A whole generation of Guardianistas has grown up with this image of the Bogey Woman lodged in their lentil-fed brains. If they were there, like I was, and had to get on their bike to find work, like I did, then I’d listen to their opinions. Instead casual venom is the order of the day; in my case it was two winters on oil supply boats off Shetland and a summer on the door of a night club in Gibraltar.

As expected, the letters pages of The Guardian have been frothing at the mouth. Here’s a few choice comments: “The country owes her a 19-gun salute. Yeah, but she can have a blindfold as well.” “A State funeral would be a farce. But how about nationwide street parties or perhaps auctioning coffin nails? I’d pay good money to hammer the lid down.” “Give her a nice marble tomb – in the shape of a public toilet.” “A State funeral? A televised public execution would be far, far too good for her.”

Well, I guess we can all see the intelligent comment and careful thought behind those comments.

OF COURSE, what really hurts the Lefties is that it’s Gordon Brown’s government which has given the nod to a suitable celebration. But, to be honest, they’ll do anything now. It’s like the last days of the Roman Empire.

Why do you think that so many Labour MPs voted against the reform of their expenses? It’s because they know that within two years they’ll be out of a job. Let’s get our snouts in the trough while we’ve still got a chance. After that, it’ll be back to lecturing scrotes at the local polytechnic. And dancing on the grave of an 82-year-old woman.


Blogger Fidothedog said...

Remind the Haggis boys that their "hero" was paid by a drunk Jew hater in Braveheart!

2:36 AM  
Anonymous arescee said...

"Remind the Haggis boys that their "hero" was paid by a drunk Jew hater in Braveheart!"

Mel Gibson paid William Wallace! I must have missed that scene! How much was that then? Fucking clever these Aussies Eh! - invented time travel when the rest of us blinked.

What goes around comes around Baz - Remember Bannockburn when hordes (About 10000) of Englishmen were beaten by a few Scots? I think it was three - but you are probably going to correct me by pointing out that we cheated when we used a sheepdug to round up your deserters!

10:45 AM  
Anonymous arescee said...

"at the hands of God’s Own People"

Is this some sort of thinly veiled reference to Diego Maradonna Baz?

11:35 AM  
Blogger Seaman Staines said...

Really, fuck right off is the only thing one can say to Bazza. You can write some pish at times, normally there is an element of humour but this time it's pure shite.

1:12 PM  
Anonymous Austin Allegro said...

"face-painted, skirt-wearing Nancy Boys" - don't hold back Bazza - tell us what you really think of the ginger scroungers!
All this talk of Margaret Marinas and Morris Thatcher (?) takes me back. I actually owned a Marina at one time. It was truly awful with crappy paintwork, plastic seats, appalling handling and screaming wind noise when I could coax it beyond 70mph. I reckon it was a worse car than a Lada, Yugo or even a Polski Fiat.

PS the cartoon is great but it's mistitled - it should read :-

Wallace and Vomit

2:09 PM  
Anonymous Craig said...

Seaman Staines, Baz has a point. It is time the Enhlish White man stands up for himself. That is not a racist jibe, more an observation that we are the only race that dare not speak out for fear of punishment.

Personally, I dont care that some Scottish tosser banned the English for a day. However, I would like to see how long a shop displaying a 'No Polish' signed was allowed to trade for in this country. The answer will be in minutes not hours!

3:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, frothing well today, Bazza.
You have been off form for a while, but back on track again.
Strangely, you have developed a hatred of Jocks, which, if it was Poles or Arabs, you would get sin-binned for.
It's a funny old world.

PS - can you still write these missives from Belmarsh?

5:28 PM  
Anonymous morris dancer said...

Funny as fuck!

Those porridge gobblers don't like it up 'em.

1:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another glaring distortion of history in Mel's daft film was in having Willy the Wall knighted for his services to over-acting. The real WW was a Sir because his father was a Sir - he inherited the title.

And that girl who nicked the nail varnish - she couldn't have been just sampling it because she didn't have any money on her.

And finally - does it make other posters feel big to use foul language in their posts, or is it just the usual ignorance.

1:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

there's only six of you out there, so who cares?

8:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I’m 56 and wasn't alive when Hitler gassed millions of Jews but I still think he was a bastard. Surely the 23 year old is entitled to his view however wrong it may be.

3:15 PM  
Anonymous moshe said...

The 23 year old Spartist wasn't expressing an opinion or a view. He was spreading lies and extremist propaganda - the sort of stuff Mr Hitler had Goebbels doing.

Baz didn't have him arrested or beaten with a rubber truncheon but challenged the little twat rather than sitting there open mouthed.

10:25 PM  

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