Monday, October 01, 2007

Queue here for the Ignore a Drowning Child module


OVER THE next couple of months, 13,000 forces personnel will return to this country after torrid six-month tours of Iraq and Afghanistan.

Those who are wounded will get dumped in general medical wards of NHS hospitals and be warned against wearing their uniforms in case they offend a passing fundamentalist. Those who aren’t will get wrecked down the pub, start a fight and get Tazered by a passing 16-year-old Police Community Support Officer who’s on his way home from the Ignoring A Drowning Child module.

Is this really the way we should be treating men and women who’ve been involved in the heaviest fighting our armed forces have experienced since the Korean War? Of course not. Unfortunately, Mr Blah’s dirty wars have left our returning heroes in a kind of limbo. Many people don’t like what they’re doing out there (particularly in Iraq) so we’re not minded to celebrate their achievements when they return.

The day was that a returning regiment would be paraded through their home town while grateful citizens lined up to applaud their bravery. I remember as a child turning out myself to greet survivors of the Boer War. Yet of 16 local councils due to soon receive homecoming troops contacted this week by the Daily Telegraph, only two had any plans for a welcome parade – and only then after the regiments involved asked for permission to march.

This really isn’t good enough. You might not like the way that Our Boys were sent to war without a democratic vote; you might not like the supposed cause that they’re fighting for; but at the end of the day (cliché alert) they are only following orders and doing the bidding of their Queen and country.

They have suffered serious casualties (many more than the MoD is prepared to admit) but, thanks to their consummate professionalism, they’ve killed thousands of the enemy while keeping their own losses to a minimum.

That, to me, is something to be celebrated, not ignored. Strike up the band. I’ll be first in line to clap them home.

GIVEN THAT our police, fire and ambulance services are now so hidebound by the Health and Safety Nazis that they’re barely able to serve the public at all, I found it somewhat ironic that Wee Gordie Broon went out of his way at the Labour Party conference to latch onto baggage handler John Smeaton, who gave a terrorist a good kicking after he drove his explosive-laden Jeep into Glasgow Airport.

Mr Broon may not realise this, but in the real world Mr Smeaton would have been arrested by police for assaulting the singed suicide bomber, hauled before the courts and given an ASBO forbidding him from approaching any flammable fundamentalist in future. It’s only because the TV cameras caught him slapping the smouldering miscreant that he got away with it, with even the Scotch dibble reluctant to crucify a bona fide hero.

And meanwhile Manchester police are banned from riding bicycles in case one of them falls off (in a city where the gun crime epidemic is run by kids on mountain bikes), fireman are forbidden to climb ladders to rescue cats stuck up trees (and a hundred cartoonists go out of business), and while children drown because two passing hobby bobbies haven’t yet learned how to blow up their emergency water wings. The mind boggles.

IT SEEMS that a day doesn’t pass without some random old person coming up with a new way to kill the rest of us.

Usually the out-of-control automatic car is their weapon of choice. “I must have got confused and pressed the wrong pedal,” said 76-year-old Henry Senile after mowing down 13 people in a bus queue. Even when we ban them from driving proper cars, they continue to slaughter us while speeding along at 8mph in their invalid carriages.

So all credit then to Joan Hiscock, 84, for coming up with a new way to commit mass murder, namely burning down her care home after deciding to grill her slippers. Yes, after deciding to grill her slippers.

Mrs Hiscock, who is clearly as barmy as a Burmese monk, said: “I’ve never had an accident like this before. I put the slippers to dry under the grill after I had washed them, but I forgot all about them.”

Nine firefighters attended, but had to stand back and watch the home burn to the ground because none of them had been on the Combustible Comfort Footwear module of their training course. Such is life.

SO THESE cows that have caught this dreaded Bluetongue virus. Are we absolutely, one hundred per cent certain, that it’s not just a case of Big Daisy grabbing and chewing a biro from the shirt pocket of a passing vet?

I know it sounds daft, but it’s worth asking, surely?

SAD TO say, the seasons are turning and it’s getting colder by the day. On Tuesday night I put my vest on and the central heating was activated on Wednesday. I even had to resort to the heated seat in the four-wheel drive on Thursday morning. I’ve currently got a carbon footprint like Gulliver in Lilliput.

Still, all this means that the festive season can’t be far away. And I can exclusively reveal to you what Mrs Luciano Pavarotti is getting for Christmas.


A smaller turkey.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Chris Smith said...

>You might not like the way that Our Boys were sent to war without a democratic vote

Actually, what I don't like is the way they were sent to war (In Iraq) WITH a democratic vote - the biggest fucking disaster that fuckwit Robin Cook inflicted on this country, and a move which will only hasten our demise. If wars need to be fought, it's no business of MPs to decide. The Iraq war was entirely right; that MPs were allowed to vote on it was entirely wrong.

3:41 PM  
Blogger Shug Niggurath said...

The problem with Blair is that he didn't really know what he stood for. He used the army like some kind of bizarre diplomatic service but was burdened with the wolfie smith attitude to the army that all on the left have.

Hence he sent them into more conflicts than any PM in history but treated them like shit. Before, during and after his political ego trips.

4:09 PM  
Anonymous Alastair Muir said...

So much truth in so few words. Too many bloody left wing councils with too few brains.
If they weren't so funny B's bloggs would make me weep with frustration

6:07 AM  
Blogger Councillor Simon Renwick said...

We Councillors at Fylde Borough Council held a welcome home parade for the 2nd Battalion the Rifle's in July after their tour of Iraq ended and we did it off our own bat and invited the regiment to march and then gave them all free drinks.

We also supported the kids at the camp with extra sports programs. In Fylde we're proud of the way the troops have fought a difficult war. Well done to all our boys and girls in harms way for your bravery, valour and professional manner.

2:02 AM  
Anonymous Al said...

The two hobby-bobbies who stood by and watched the young child drown have received the full backing of their chief constable, who insists that they did exactly the right thing. He hasn't even admitted that training or procedures need looking at, or that common sense should prevail in such situations. It just demonstrates how the police close ranks and back each other up regardless of how obviously wrong they are. I bet this includes covering up for corrupt colleagues as well as inept ones.

The child who drowned had only gone into the water to save his younger sister from drowning, presumably because the hobby-bobbies refused to help her too. So, two fit & able-bodied adults refuse to go in to try to save a life, but a young child is willing to have a go. How can those people live with how they have acted? I suppose people like that have no shame or conscience.

This is really one of the worst stories to hit the news for a long time, in my opinion.

7:00 AM  
Anonymous Tony B.Liar said...

Right on, Al!!!!

Leaving aside the bent Mr Plods, you can find plenty of other examples of how "Britain's Finest" close ranks to cover for each other - look no further than the current "Health & Safety" prosecution of the brave officers who held down Jean Charles de Menezes and pumped 8 bullets into his brain [just to make, sure you understand].

Where's our daft friend [and chief apologist for the Met], Kris these days??

7:30 AM  

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