When the truth is stranger than fiction

REMEMBER THE hoo-ha about the revised Prevention of Terrorism Act that was introduced earlier this year? I do. In fact, I can recall railing against it on the grounds that despite Mr Blah’s vapid assurances, it would soon be used against the very people it was designed to protect, i.e. us.

How appropriate then that the first widespread abuse of those new powers should occur at NuLabour’s conference in Brighton.

I’m not particularly talking about Walter Wotsit, who is the kind of Old Labour, ban-the-bomb, pseudo-Communist donkey jacket merchant who kept the party out of power for 18 years. I’m more concerned about the SIX HUNDRED (yes, that’s right) SIX HUNDRED people who were detained under the Prevention of Terrorism Act during the week for such heinous crimes as “wearing an offensive T-shirt” or “carrying an illegal bag of sweets”. It’s like a Not The Nine O’Clock News sketch come to life.

Of course, none of these people were actually charged with any offence. They never got their day in court with the attendant publicity that would have exposed this appalling abuse of honest legislature. They were just there to be bullied by the local dibble at the behest of their control freak masters. It is absolutely shameful.

And even when they were caught bang to rights, when old Walter was turfed out by a nightclub bouncer for daring to utter a word of dissent during Jack Straw’ speech (which, to be fair, was the nearest we got to a sensible debate), what happened then? Out come the mealy-mouthed apologies, but no serious defence of the tactics.

“I wasn’t in the conference hall at the time,” whined Mr Blah. Well what if he was? What would he have done? Would he have rushed forward to stop the violent ejection of a lifelong party member? Of course not. He’s as complicit with the enforced gagging as the goons who carry out his instructions.

At least now NuLabour’s culture of spin, deceit and the ruthless extermination of any dissent has been exposed in the most visible manner possible. Little consolation to all of us who await the six o’clock knock for speaking out of turn.

YOU MAY have missed one of the most interesting stories to emerge from Hurricane Katrina. It turns out that armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, have gone missing in the Gulf of Mexico. No, really.

Up to 36 of them carrying what are described as “toxic dart guns” have done a bunk and are now presumably swimming around on the lookout for passing divers and surfers to kill. I wonder how many sick kids (i.e. those with a bit of a sniffle) will be so keen on “swimming with the dolphins” at someone else’s charitable expense in future?

And it also goes a long way towards explaining the expression “cross porpoises”.

NOVELTY PIG calendars and toys have been banned from Council offices in Dudley, West Midlands, in case they offence Muslim staff.

The ruthless extermination of what are described as “pig-related items” came after a Muslim worker complained about the council distributing pig-shaped stress relievers (yes, I know, I’m losing the plot as well) to staff. Now toys, porcelain figures, calendars and even a tissue box featuring Winnie the Poo’s pal Piglet have been banished from offices.

Councillor Mahbubur Rahman supported the ban, saying: “It’s a tolerance of other people’s beliefs”. But that’s exactly what it isn’t. A tolerance of other people’s beliefs is Muslims and members of other religious minorities understanding and accepting that they are now citizens of the United Kingdom, where the dominant religion is Christianity. And as Christians have no such problem with “pig-related items”, perhaps the whining busy-bodies ought to respect our beliefs for once, instead of inflicting their intolerance on all who come into contact with them.

Anyway, where would Mrs B be if she wasn’t able to raid my piggy bank in advance of her shopping trips?

I AM confused about all this fuss over Bob Dylan. Yeah, he can write a decent tune but let’s face it, he can’t sing to save his life.

He’s already got the guitar and the harmonica. I wonder how seriously he would be taken if you strapped a big drum to his back and some cymbals to his knees and turned him loose in Covent Garden?

MORE FROM Alison Lapper, the stumpy, no-armed pregnant woman whose statue disfigures Trafalgar Square. Apparently she has called her son “Parys”, condemning the poor lad to a lifetime of saying: “No, it’s Paris with a Y” to general bemusement.

Now she might be an attention-seeking publicity junkie, clearly over-compensating for the hand fate dealt her, but why inflict the same fate on your poor children? What is it with these people?

O The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this website, of anyone who didn’t think it was bizarre to be asked to vote on whether the Twin Towers or the Death of Diana was their Greatest TV Moment, of anyone who hasn’t called Ambridge social services on behalf of baby George, or of anyone who hasn’t popped down to the local Left-Footers’ church to light “fork handles” in memory of Ronnie Barker.